Article 185 of alt.humor.best-of-usenet:
From: tjbryce(a)unix.amherst.edu (Tom Bryce)
Newsgroups: talk.politics.crypto
Subject: Escrow Officer Trading Cards
Escrow Officer Trading Cards
I noticed I'm a little behind on the cryptographic Newspeak
being promoted by the clipper chip people when I recently read
some information on key escrow posted to the net, that is, in
article <CrK9At.E7z(a)ulysses.homer.att.com> by Steven Bellovin
<smb(a)research.att.com>. He mentions that he asked some questions
of "people on the committee" which seemed to imply they were on
the inside of the clipper thing, and their answers seemed pretty
authoritative. I noticed a heck of a lot of Shit In Capital
Letters that seems to imply Everyone Should Know What the Fuck
This Is and that This Shit Will Be A Permanent Part Of Our
Future Vocabularies. Words like Unique Keys, Key Components,
Escrow Officer, Escrow Agent, Family Key and Escrowed Encrytion
Standard. It all sounded so OFFICIAL. It also mentioned that a
hell of a lot of shit about these chips they just wouldn't tell
us because it was CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. Stuff like how to
generate psuedo-random numbers for cryptographic purposes. Now I
thought shit like this was pretty commonly known anyway, but I
suppose as it's time for us all to up and FORGET this shit 'cuz
the government tell us it's TOP SECRET and we don't really know
it anyway.
As part of our mental reorganization, it seems we are going to
have to rig up an Escrow Officer category in our minds and
Capitalize Escrow Officer Every Time We Write This Fucking Word
because Escrow Officers Will Be Very Important People like the
President of the United States and the Secretary General of the
United Nations. Just like the friendly police officer or
religious leader or boy scout leader or army general or so on of
the past, I predict Escrow Officers will be the big heroes and
public leaders of the future. They will burn the midnight oil
thinking of ways to protect our secret keys from enemy
intrusion, as well as protect us from Terrorists, Drug Dealers,
Pedophiles, Communists, Right-wingers, Leftists, and all other
kind of folk who seek to trample on the flag of the U.S.A. They
will be the sentinels keeping watch over our secret keys in the
night. All information about us - our birthdays, height, weight,
last visit to the doctor, last porno magazine purchased on a
credit card, sexual orientation, jobs we applied for in the
past, HIV status, debts we are late in paying, all this secret
information will be guarded by these silent and sure men and
women - dare I say God-like sentinels? If Escrow Officers will
become a big part of our future lives, I'd like to be one of the
first to capitalize on this phenomenon. I will soon introduce
Escrow Officer Trading Cards, so we can all have fun trading
pictures of our favorite Escrow Officers and perhaps even
following in the fashion trends they promote. Children can also
learn at a young age who the men and women are who will be
protecting their secret information for the rest of their lives.
On the front should be a photograph of the Escrow Officer. The
Escrow Officer should be shown smiling broadly, perhaps while
embracing or holding a small child or baby. The Escrow Officer
will be wearing a conservative but comfortable-looking suit, to
convey that the Escrow Officer is a Real Important Person but
also Down To Earth and Friendly. Behind the Escrow Officer
should be bookshelves with impressive titles clearly readable by
the Escrow Officer Trading Card Owner. Good titles would include
math books with real real complicated sounding titles, Profiles
of Courage by John F. Kennedy (another Real Important, Real
Smart, just plain Real Great Heroic Dude), legal books with Real
Complicated Sounding Titles, ominous sounding books from the FBI
and CIA and other Real Tough Sounding American Organizations on
things like International Terrorist Operations and Their Impact
on the Crazy World We Will Leave Our Children and Babies
Tomorrow, and things like that. Books by Richard Nixon should be
absent from the bookshelves.
On the back will be the Escrow Officer's Name, Address, Phone
Number, Social Security Number, Sexual Orientation, Blood Type,
Name Of Last Three Sexual Contacts, Best Friend's Name, and so
on. (Hey, who the fuck needs privacy anyway? The Escrow Officers
should set an example for all of us. After all, why would they
need to hide these things anyway? Unless they're doing something
they're not supposed to be doing! Like having gay sex in some
states of America, and things like that.) (PSST. Top secret: It
won't be their real phone number and stuff anyway. After all,
who would know any better. And we can even hire some actors to
pose for the picture instead of the Escrow Officer since it will
give a more accurate impression of what Escrow Officers are
supposed to represent. Some real Good-Looking Actors and
Actresses who fit the current cultural norms of beauty and
handsomeness and power. Then, since we might not have enough
black and other minority Escrow Officers, we can hire some
minority actors to pose for the pictures. Then we could even
change the names of all the Escrow Officers on the Cards to
names that sound more impressive and trustworthy.)
Then we can have a Fun Facts section under the personal
information. For example, we could have a picture of the Escrow
Officer smiling while holding the Official Random Number
Generation Keyboard used for a production run of Clipper Chips.
It will describe the make of the keyboard, color, and so on, and
might even mention some Fun Facts like the fact that the Escrow
Officer likes to stick Gumby or Snoopy stickers onto the side of
the keyboard, and even generated the numbers without using the
left half of the keyboard one day when she poured her morning
coffee onto the left half of the keyboard because she was up
late the night before catching up on the latest newsbriefs on
the International Traffic in Crack-Addicted Pedophile
Terrorists. (We won't mention that she was also reading about
how to stop tax evasion once and for all with electronic money
encrypted by Escrowed Keys, since everyone cheats on their taxes
anyway and it would scare the shit out of everyone and eliminate
support for the Official Key Escrow Standard. We need to pretend
it's only these fucking ridiculous categories of Super Duper
Arch Enemies we're after.)
Another Fun Fact section might involve a picture of an Escrow
Officer whose dedication and hard work helped catch a Super
Duper Evil Communist who was actively advocating the violent
overthrow of the Government of the United States of America. The
Escrow Officers can be shown bonking the Communist over the head
with the Official Random Number Generating Keyboard, while
another escrow agent slaps a pair of handcuffs on the Communist.
Then the fun fact section can mention the Humorous Incident that
took place when the photograph was being taken. Of course, the
photograph is only a simulation, and the Communist will be an
actor, though the Escrow Officers might be real. The Fun Facts
section will mention how everyone had a Real Good Laugh after
the picture taking session was over and they were about to
uncuff the communist when... THE ESCROW OFFICERS FORGOT WHERE
THEY PUT THE KEY! From then on, they were subjected to good-
natured ribbing every time they got to the office in the
morning. In fact, a few months later one of the Escrow Officers
came to work in the morning and found two of his desk drawers
locked together with a chain and combination lock. A post-it
note attached to his desk said SORRY BUT I FORGOT THE
COMBINATION! While everyone was roaring at the Silly Prank, the
quick-witted Escrow Officer got his other Escrow Officer buddy
to give him his half of the Key Component to operate the Decrypt
Processor and they busted the Secret Key of the lock company and
got the lock off without any extra help. That way, people will
know what Silly Pranksters our Escrow Officers are. Ever
diligent in protecting our privacy, but still one of the guys.
Perhaps the following quip can be ascribed to the Escrow Officer
in a cartoon-style bubble coming out of his mouth:
"Hey guys, sure I'm into encryption and all, but really, I'm
just a fella!!"
His buddies will be slapping their knees and ribbing each other
at his tales of Escrow Officer Pranks and buying each other
drinks.
Anyway, this is about all I've formulated so far of the Trading
Card Plan. If anyone cares to invest in my plan (and has access
to Government Restricted Encryption Technology) please send me
contact information encrypted on the following key.
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