December 2003 - cypherpunks-legacy

List of reliable remailers
by Raph Levien 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

I operate a remailer pinging service which collects detailed information about remailer features and reliability. To use it, just finger remailer-list(a)kiwi.cs.berkeley.edu There is also a Web version of the same information, plus lots of interesting links to remailer-related resources, at: http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~raph/remailer-list.html This information is used by premail, a remailer chaining and PGP encrypting client for outgoing mail. For more information, see: http://www.c2.org/~raph/premail.html For the PGP public keys of the remailers, finger pgpkeys(a)kiwi.cs.berkeley.edu This is the current info: REMAILER LIST This is an automatically generated listing of remailers. The first part of the listing shows the remailers along with configuration options and special features for each of the remailers. The second part shows the 12-day history, and average latency and uptime for each remailer. You can also get this list by fingering remailer-list(a)kiwi.cs.berkeley.edu. $remailer{'cyber'} = '<alias(a)alias.cyberpass.net> alpha pgp'; $remailer{"mix"} = "<mixmaster(a)remail.obscura.com> cpunk mix pgp hash latent cut ek ksub reord ?"; $remailer{"replay"} = "<remailer(a)replay.com> cpunk mix pgp hash latent cut post ek"; $remailer{"jam"} = "<remailer(a)cypherpunks.ca> cpunk mix pgp hash middle latent cut ek"; $remailer{"winsock"} = "<winsock(a)rigel.cyberpass.net> cpunk pgp pgponly hash cut ksub reord ?"; $remailer{'nym'} = '<config(a)nym.alias.net> newnym pgp'; $remailer{"squirrel"} = "<mix(a)squirrel.owl.de> cpunk mix pgp pgponly hash latent cut ek"; $remailer{'weasel'} = '<config(a)weasel.owl.de> newnym pgp'; $remailer{"reno"} = "<middleman(a)cyberpass.net> cpunk mix pgp hash middle latent cut ek reord ?"; $remailer{"cracker"} = "<remailer(a)anon.efga.org> cpunk mix remix pgp hash ksub esub latent cut ek reord post"; $remailer{'redneck'} = '<config(a)anon.efga.org> newnym pgp'; $remailer{"bureau42"} = "<remailer(a)bureau42.ml.org> cpunk mix pgp ksub hash latent cut ek"; $remailer{"neva"} = "<remailer(a)neva.org> cpunk pgp pgponly hash cut ksub ?"; $remailer{"lcs"} = "<mix(a)anon.lcs.mit.edu> mix"; $remailer{"medusa"} = "<medusa(a)weasel.owl.de> mix middle" $remailer{"McCain"} = "<mccain(a)notatla.demon.co.uk> mix middle"; $remailer{"valdeez"} = "<valdeez(a)juno.com> cpunk pgp pgponly hash ek"; $remailer{"arrid"} = "<arrid(a)juno.com> cpunk pgp pgponly hash ek"; $remailer{"hera"} = "<goddesshera(a)juno.com> cpunk pgp pgponly hash ek"; $remailer{"htuttle"} = "<h_tuttle(a)rigel.cyberpass.net> cpunk pgp hash latent cut post ek"; catalyst(a)netcom.com is _not_ a remailer. lmccarth(a)ducie.cs.umass.edu is _not_ a remailer. usura(a)replay.com is _not_ a remailer. remailer(a)crynwr.com is _not_ a remailer. There is no remailer at relay.com. Groups of remailers sharing a machine or operator: (cyber mix reno winsock) (weasel squirrel medusa) (cracker redneck) (nym lcs) (valdeez arrid hera) This remailer list is somewhat phooey. Go check out http://www.publius.net/rlist.html for a good one. Last update: Thu 23 Oct 97 15:48:06 PDT remailer email address history latency uptime ----------------------------------------------------------------------- hera goddesshera(a)juno.com ------------ 5:03:45 99.86% nym config(a)nym.alias.net +*#**#**### :34 95.82% redneck config(a)anon.efga.org #*##*+#**** 2:00 95.44% mix mixmaster(a)remail.obscura.com +++ ++++++* 19:18 95.27% squirrel mix(a)squirrel.owl.de -- ---+--- 2:34:19 95.16% cyber alias(a)alias.cyberpass.net *++***+ ++ 11:26 95.11% replay remailer(a)replay.com **** *** 10:06 94.93% arrid arrid(a)juno.com ----.------ 8:50:34 94.41% bureau42 remailer(a)bureau42.ml.org --------- 3:38:29 93.53% cracker remailer(a)anon.efga.org + +*+*+*+ 16:32 92.80% jam remailer(a)cypherpunks.ca + +*-++++ 24:14 92.79% winsock winsock(a)rigel.cyberpass.net -..-..---- 9:59:18 92.22% neva remailer(a)neva.org ------****+ 1:03:02 90.39% valdeez valdeez(a)juno.com 4:58:22 -36.97% reno middleman(a)cyberpass.net 1:01:28 -2.65% History key * # response in less than 5 minutes. * * response in less than 1 hour. * + response in less than 4 hours. * - response in less than 24 hours. * . response in more than 1 day. * _ response came back too late (more than 2 days). cpunk A major class of remailers. Supports Request-Remailing-To: field. eric A variant of the cpunk style. Uses Anon-Send-To: instead. penet The third class of remailers (at least for right now). Uses X-Anon-To: in the header. pgp Remailer supports encryption with PGP. A period after the keyword means that the short name, rather than the full email address, should be used as the encryption key ID. hash Supports ## pasting, so anything can be put into the headers of outgoing messages. ksub Remailer always kills subject header, even in non-pgp mode. nsub Remailer always preserves subject header, even in pgp mode. latent Supports Matt Ghio's Latent-Time: option. cut Supports Matt Ghio's Cutmarks: option. post Post to Usenet using Post-To: or Anon-Post-To: header. ek Encrypt responses in reply blocks using Encrypt-Key: header. special Accepts only pgp encrypted messages. mix Can accept messages in Mixmaster format. reord Attempts to foil traffic analysis by reordering messages. Note: I'm relying on the word of the remailer operator here, and haven't verified the reord info myself. mon Remailer has been known to monitor contents of private email. filter Remailer has been known to filter messages based on content. If not listed in conjunction with mon, then only messages destined for public forums are subject to filtering. Raph Levien

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Festivity Levels
by nobody＠REPLAY.COM 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. ---------------------------------------------------------------- this is Fyodor's mailing list. to Subscribe/unsubscribe complain send message to fygrave(a)ro0ted.amalker.com.kg -------------------------------------------------------------------- Old timer, n.: One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.

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Judge's First InterNet Decision!!!
by TruthMonger 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

:: Anon-To: cypherpunks(a)toad.com A SIMPLE CHEMICAL CAN KEEP YOU ERECT!!! When the New England Journal of Medicine reported that the cause of most cases of male impotence was tied to the body's failure to produce enough of a simple chemical, our research team immediately went to work. And, while other researchers were getting congratulations for discovering the cause of the important male problem, we developed a product that could be capable of restoring a man's performance and self-confidence. The researchers found a shortage of this chemical would keep a man from performing his sexual activities at a normal level. For an erection to occur, a rapid increase of blood flow must enter the penis, causing the vessels to enlarge in diameter. The results will be an erection which can be maintained. Without sufficient amounts of this chemical, the penis is unable to get and stay erect. FORMULA 41 lets your body increase its production of this sexually vital chemical. With FORMULA 41 you are able to achieve peak performance every time. The results will astound you. Even if you're not one of the 30 million men diagnosed with some form of impotence, you will be able to reach new heights of sexual performance and potency with FORMULA 41. FORMULA 41 is the one product that is finally able to deliver and provide help for men who suffer from inadequate sexual performance. Try FORMULA 41 today. All you stand to lose is the uncertainty and disappointment of inadequate erections and unsatisfactory sexual performance. THE ANSWER TO A MAN'S MOST IMPORTANT PROBLEM IS HERE. UNCONDITIONAL GUARANTEE FORMULA 41 has been clinically and customer tested for 100% effectiveness and safety for impotency, and lack of sexual fulfillment. It should work for you. However, if, for any reason, you are not completely satisfied with this product just return the unused portion or empty bottle along with proof of purchase within 60 days for a full refund of your purchase price. To Order FORMULA 41, please mail to: Order Dept. PO Box 1242 Snellville, Ga 30278-1242 Enclosed is my check or money order for $__________, Payable to NCS. Name__________________________________________________ Address_______________________________________________ City, State Zip_______________________________________ Description Price How Many Two Month Supply $54.95 ________ Three Month Supply $69.95 ________ One Month Supply $34.95 ________ Sub Total Postage & Handling $5.00 Srfsm Total ______

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Re: Sloppy Chips from Int
by harka＠nycmetro.com 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- -=> Quoting In:emc@wire.insync.net to Harka <=- In> By now everyone has probably heard that Intel Pentium and In> Pentium MMX chips hang when executing the instruction sequence In> F00FC7C8 even when in an outer ring of privilege or in V86 In> mode. <snip> In> Unlike Unix, for which complete compilable source code is In> available, we know little about what what microcode is run In> through the several million transistors on a typical In> microprocessor. If sloppy engineering alone produces such In> dangerous faults, imagine what could happen should industry In> decide to deliberately cooperate with various LEAs and TLAs. In> (In the national interest, of course.) In> The possiblities are truly mind-boggling. Perhaps exploits In> like tapping Aldrich Ames' PC and crashing Saddam Husseins' In> PCs en masse were not done by black bag jobs and viri, but by In> the activation of "National Security" backdoors present in all In> complex modern microprocessors. This somewhat overlaps with another emerging possibility I've been thinking about since the beginning of the DES and RC5-search. While I am very supportive of the general idea of distributing any such computationally intensive applications onto the many CPU's available today, it also opens the door to another potential horror: distributed horror. The concept of "The Internet one big Supercomputer" makes sense, but if _we_ can do it so can _they_! And herein lies the immense potential danger of undisclosed source-code. Who can guarantee, that Windows 3.1/95/NT/whatever and any other OS and Applications with no open source won't employ a client similar to RC5 of it's own...secretly running in the background doing it's Big Brother work? The same might apply to the CPU's themselves, or a combination thereof. Especially Windows-users are by now more than sufficiently conditioned to see installing regular "bug-fixes" disguised as "service-packs" as a normal part of their "work". It would be fairly easy to send along an application, that does something very differently than merely fixing bugs...and since nobody can ever verify the source-code independently from MS (or Intel etc.), chances are, that it would remain undetected for the general public for a long time. The application could even be remotely triggered to cease working or be deleted by the next "service-pack" to ensure sneakiness. People might remember the Windows95 Registration-Wizard, which apparently collected data about programs found on the hard drive etc. and sent it along to Microsoft to be analyzed by them. Since things have become that easy, it'd probably be trivial from a technical perspective to send along secring.pgp, maybe even the captured passphrase. Now that the average PC is connected to the Net quite frequently if not constantly, it could do such things in the background while the user is waiting for his "web page to download". There's almost no way of telling if the system is closed off from the user, such as Windows is. First, there's no source-code. Nobody knows, what the (by now) probably millions of lines of code actually do other than what's visible. Second, "looking under the hood" seems to become more and more discouraged by the overall design and to actually know what your system is doing at any time is now almost impossible with Windows95/NT...at least outside the regular user-space. Point 1 and 2 combined create a totally non-transparent system, that could potentially be used for many (undetectable) horror-"applications" such as mentioned before... CPU's upgradable via software (Flash-ROM), modems etc. add to the problem. "Mind-boggling" indeed... Ciao Harka /*************************************************************/ /* E-mail: harka(at)nycmetro.com (PGP-encrypted mail pref'd) */ /* PGP public key available upon request. [KeyID: 04174301] */ /* F-print: FD E4 F8 6D C1 6A 44 F5 28 9C 40 6E B8 94 78 E8 */ /*<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>*/ /* May there be peace in this world, may all anger dissolve */ /* and may all living beings find the way to happiness... */ /*************************************************************/ ... "Every CPU you have can be used against you" -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- Version: 2.6.2 iQEVAgUBNGcxhjltEBIEF0MBAQFnrQf+P1+6ZzdcJ2tKF//v2zu1z0d9b7fHqEW1 zX6U7d2SUqpuHcX3YSRGyd3fR5XPnxGj91iTA2pYnSr76Fcx06k+MfFpgpo1RxYn Jnx4oBeeUyO5t2peR/CBb+2gJ54OMwv7azxpKZ1/F+GVWhzXR2KZjnWZ7vArK6kY wcehcR/4QeJa1OxMVXWBYRPyUz8TLfAS5GPnOJrqYSf/HzgwrWWlJ2USzS5/uRwA OcvI/w1fOsRKxvN6gKNeO2tZLqv2U/+AmCBCuCwos86yjXZTlpU0u2xhnxnIcJjR T3EIAk3oSXvBBmK5QET//bRllD1JjttUMdRrCGwWunO/1PNRiFzTQw== =HycV -----END PGP SIGNATURE----- If encryption is outlawed, only outlaws will have encryption...

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President's critical infrastructure commission and crypto
by Declan McCullagh 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Sat, 08 Nov 1997 20:36:10 -0500 From: Kawika Daguio <KDAGUIO(a)aba.com> To: fight-censorship-announce(a)vorlon.mit.edu, declan(a)well.com Subject: FC: President's critical infrastructure commission and crypto -Reply I worked with the PCCIP and the National Security Telecommunications Advisory Council on their recent infrastructure assurance reports. The financial sector received high marks and won praise from both groups. We shared more information about ourselves and our systems than anyone other than the regulators have ever seen. The investigators were impressed, as would you be if you were to see the unreleased parts of the report. I expect, however, that much of the report will never be released. Some of the information we shared included pictures, and physical locations (addresses, floor diagrams), and network diagrams identifying payment system and other financial sector traffic and infrastructure. These kinds of data were shared only because of the protective terms of the information sharing understandings. This information will not be made public as long as it remains sensitive. Other information about the specific security infrastructures or the typical security infrastructures employed by banks and the ways we prevent, detect, contain, and pursue compromises is also sensitive. I would hope that those seeking information about the unreleased portions of the report recognize our interest in protecting sensitive information. ****** my opinion my employer's may differ ****** kawika daguio

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Profile of a Spammer, from The Netly News
by Declan McCullagh 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

********** http://cgi.pathfinder.com/netly/opinion/0,1042,1569,00.html The Netly News (http://netlynews.com/) November 10, 1997 Profile of a Spammer by Robin Miller Whatever you do, don't call Kevin Jones a spammer. "Spammers are people who send all kinds of e-mail to everyone. I don't do that. Don't lump me with the spammers," he insists. "I send out nothing but targeted e-mail. It's not the same thing." But since Kevin's "targeting" has all the precision and subtlety of a sawed-off shotgun, chances are you've been spending your time deleting his spam. Since Kevin entered what he calls the "Internet promotion" business in January 1997, he's fired off more than 25 million pieces of "targeted e-mail" on behalf of everything from credit repair kits to surplus merchandise. Every month he hones his software, attracts new clients -- and, most importantly, adds more unsuspecting users to his mailing lists. With a little luck, he'll send out up to 100 million pieces of e-mail next year. And since he gets paid by the piece, just like companies that handle direct postal mail promotions, the more e-mail Kevin sends out, the happier he is. [...] Software is the second key to success in Internet direct marketing. Kevin's favorite program is NewsBlaster. It's probably the most popular spamware on the market today, and Kevin is one of its most devout adherents. NewsBlaster lets him extract up to 15,000 e-mail addresses an hour from targeted newsgroups -- and automatically delete addresses with .edu, .gov and .org top-level domains (which tend to be more hostile to bulk e-mail than .net or .com). Kevin also prefers to bypass AOL members "because AOL sues guys like me a lot," so he has NewsBlaster delete AOL members from his lists, and also removes e-mail addresses with more than 30 characters "because they upload so slow, and in this business speed is everything." [...] But despite these precautions, Kevin and his clients still get their share of flames. "I figure on maybe 500 every time I send out e-mail," he says, "and I still have trouble figuring out why people do that. I'm a little guy trying to make a living on the Internet, helping other little guys make a few bucks. I'm not out stealing, I'm not hurting anyone... People who don't like getting e-mail are just making life hard for small guys to make a buck, that's all they're doing." ###

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New WorldCom Order
by TruthMonger 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

http://www.msnbc.com/news/122668.asp Re: WorldCom-MCI Merger Internet access rates? It might raise them. Indirectly, it could increase the cost of doing business for Internet Access Providers, or ISPs. WorldCom would now own a large part of the Internet backbone. All ISPs pay fees to connect to the backbone. Sprint would be rates for ISPs, which would be passed along to Internet consumers. Sidenote: To those kind and not-so-kind souls who took the time to inform me that my WorldCom prediction was ludicrous, because of the fact that MCI already had a done-deal in the bag with British TeleCom... Tthhhppptttoooee! TthhhppptttoooeeMonger

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Bell vs. Woodward--justice?
by Tim May 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

Apparently shaking a baby to death is a lesser crime than opposing government fascism and having a continuing interest in chemistry. And people wonder why the militia movement is gaining strength every day. The au pair Louise Woodward will serve less time in jail than Jim Bell will. While Bell languishes in a Washington state jail, awaiting (for almost 7 months!!) his sentence, the convicted babykiller is now free. I guess having a couple of fake SS tattoos, er, "numbers," and possibly opening a vial of mercaptin where some people would smell it, is a more serious crime than shaking a baby to death. Only in Amerika. Lock and load. --Tim May The Feds have shown their hand: they want a ban on domestic cryptography ---------:---------:---------:---------:---------:---------:---------:---- Timothy C. May | Crypto Anarchy: encryption, digital money, ComSec 3DES: 408-728-0152 | anonymous networks, digital pseudonyms, zero W.A.S.T.E.: Corralitos, CA | knowledge, reputations, information markets, Higher Power: 2^2,976,221 | black markets, collapse of governments. "National borders aren't even speed bumps on the information superhighway."

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test
by nobody＠REPLAY.COM 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

test. after two inexplicable lost messages via replay.com--this test message. anon

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State of the Nation [-]
by nobody＠REPLAY.COM 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- - -----BEGIN TERRORIST PLAINTEXT MUNITION MESSAGE----- Version: 6.66 State of the Nation by Jo Min Ivan See Johnny run. See Spot run. See Spot the friendly wolf-hybrid bite Johnny in the ass. Johnny can't read. Johnny Kant spel too good neither. Johnny is graded on a curve. See Johnny get an 'A' on his next test. Johnny works for minimum wage at Wall-Dart. Most of Johnny's customers use their credit cards to go into even more debt. See Johnny give incorrect change when someone payz with cash. Johnny Kant Kount. Read Johnny's employer's policy of giving discounts to debit card customers. See the airport security body scanner at the front door of the store. See the security camera in the dressing rooms. Johnny feels very very safe. Johnny feels goatees are cool. Johnny feels that Trent and Kurdt are GOD. Johnny is sooooo alternative. Johnny has an AOL account. Johnny feels nipple rings are passe. Johnny wants to pierce his tooth with a power drill. Johnny attends public school. Johnny feels good about himself. Johnny wants to work for the government when he growz up. Johnny hearz it ain't too hard to get a job with guvmint. Johnny is functionally illiterate, apathetic, and proud of it. Johnny doesn't know the Bill of Rights from a Bill of Goods. Johnny's teacher works for the government. Johnny's teacher votes for higher taxes. Johnny's teacher thinks the Declaration of Independence is really an Entitlement to Dependence. Hear Johnny's teacher complain about pornographers during her cigarette break. See Johnny point his browser in the library to WWW.BARELY14_CYBERSLUT_LUST.NL.CUM Johnny kant unnerstan what he reedz. Johnny knowz what consolez are. Johnny knows how to get around NetGranny. See Johnny's teacher's Ben-Her balls fall out of her purse in the cafeteria. See Johnny's classmate put a fresh tape in the hidden video camera in his teacher's bedroom. Johnny's teacher is dropping her kids off at soccer practice. Johnny's teacher puts naughty things into her mouth when her children are at soccer practice. See Johnny's coins fall out of his pocket when he hops into the minivan. Johnny feels carrying cash and coins is a nuisance. Johnny doesn't know $1,000 Federal Reserve Notes were ever printed. See Johnny carry a dozen credit cards in his pocket. Johnny doesn't know FRN's were ever backed with anything other than empty promises and more debt. See Johnny's digitized picture on his SmartCard. Johnny doesn't know guvmint's promise to redeem FRN's with lawful money was nothing more than an empty lie. Johnny feels only drug dealers carry $100 bills. By Johnny's logic all of his ancestors were drug dealers. All of his ancestors should be dug up and thrown in jail where they belong; laws should be applied retroactively, don't you know. Johnny has never bought a rifle with a 1000 Franc note. Johnny has never bought a rifle. Johnny has never seen a silver dollar. See the ill-tempered bureaucrat at DMV take Johnny's fingerprints. See Johnny get his retina scanned. See Johnny apply for his Interstate Access TollCard. See Johnny's complete life history updated on his SmartCard. See the convicted pedophile on the state payroll enter Johnny's vital statistics into the DMV database. See the pedophile cross-reference several hundred guvmint and private sector databases to confirm that Johnny is not an illegal alien. The pedophile is glad, he prefers little white boys to molest when he gets out of jail again for the 3rd time. Johnny just got his first drivers license. Johnny is very very happy. See Johnny crash the family minivan into a tree. See Johnny's bong tip over. See Johnny harm the environment. See Johnny contribute to deforestation. See Johnny traumatized; mommy says he's can't drive again for six months. See Johnny traumatized; he can't get laid in the back of the minivan for six more months. See Johnny attend a tree-sensitivity group therapy session for traumatized youth. See Johnny promise to be tolerant and compassionate towards all of Mother Earth's creations. See Johnny pledge to help plug the ozone hole. See Johnny pledge to help stop global warming. See Johnny pray to God to please stop El Nino and world hunger. See Johnny pledge to do his part for sustainable development. See Johnny pledge to help fight off the coming alien invasion. Johnny feels empowered. Johnny feels a sense of unity with the global village. See Johnny promise never to own an assault weapon. See Johnny's cousin smuggle black-market CFC's across the Mexican border. Johnny's teacher tells the class that AIDS-infected crackheads are victims of societal neglect. Johnny's teacher tells the class that teenage girls who have sex with AIDS-infected crackheads in exchange for drugs are victims of societal neglect. Johnny's teacher feels that lack of sufficient sex education funding is an ongoing national crisis. Johnny wonders if any of the cheerleaders like to take drugs. See Johnny's teacher hand out strawberry-flavored condoms. See many of the students complain that they aren't banana-flavored. See the student body president complain the school is discriminating against third-world tropical fruit pickers. A lawsuit is threatened. See the feminist activist protest the discrimination against lesbians. A hunger strike is threatened. Johnny's teacher explains the school ran out of dental dams and butt plugs because mean-spirited rich people voted down the tax increase. Johnny's mommy is afraid of scary-looking black guns. Johnny's mommy wants the government to prevent her children or anyone else from being able to read messages written by people using anonymous remailers and other terrorists who own scary-looking black guns. Johnny feels Nazis who own scary-looking black guns are bad, bad people. Johnny knows that all people without badges and battering rams who own scary-looking black guns are Nazis. Johnny knows this because expert telejournalists report based on their interviews of expert professional fund-raisers that all people who own scary-looking black guns are Nazis; so it must be true. Johnny doesn't know the first thing about proper firearms safety. Johnny's been taught at school to run away very very fast when he sees a gun and tell a responsible adult right away so that a responsible BATF agent riding in an armored personnel carrier can go confiscate it. Johnny's idea of field-stripping is taking his girlfriends' bra and panties off on the soccer field. See Johnny's uncle shoot his friend in the foot while cleaning a loaded handgun. Johnny's congressman wants to pass a law to confiscate any handgun a child sees. Studies have shown the image of scary-looking black guns alters a young innocent child's brain development forever and scars them for life. Based on this study, the editorial board of the Suburba Sun Times urges all owners of scary-looking black guns to turn them in in exchange for twenty lottery tickets and a donation of fifty dollars made in the Nazi's name to the National Public Radio pledge drive. The Suburba Sun Times endorses the congressman's Child Handgun Viewing Prevention Safety Act. Johnny's congressman's armed security detail is issued brand new scary-looking black guns. Johnny's dad feels more prisons need to be built for evil drug dealers and money launderers. Johnny's uncle is an unemployed ex-prison guard. Johnny's uncle owes Johnny's dad money. Johnny's dad complains about confiscatory taxes. Johnny's dad complains about confiscatory child support payments. Johnny's dad's mistress complains he doesn't buy her enough jewelry. Johnny's dad blew his paycheck on homemade hidden-camera porno videos. Johnny hears on the news that people who smoke cigarettes, get cancer and then die are victims of evil tobacco companies. Hear Johnny's dad tell his buddies pot-smokers should be locked up for life. See Johnny's dad guzzle beer with his buddies during the football game. See Johnny's dad get pretty damn drunk. See Johnny's dad drive up to the 24-7 to buy another case of Schmeister. Johnny's dad's buddies finished the pizza that arrived before he got back. See Johnny's dad's buddy's enormous beer-belly. See it giggle when he walks. See Johnny's dad's buddy call Pizza Shack to order another one for himself. See Johnny's dad's buddy drink Diet Choke. See Johnny's dad's buddy eat potato chips made with an FDA approved fat substitute. How can you see anything with all the cigar and cigarette smoke in the room? Listen to Johnny's dad's buddy fart up a storm. Johnny hears the government say that money launderers are very, very bad people. Johnny feels money launderers must be almost as bad as PGP exporters and other terrorists he keeps hearing about. Johnny doesn't understand what it is exactly that money launderers do, but if the government and the media say it's bad, then it must be very very bad. Johnny feels it must be even worse than what murderers and child molesters and cryptographers do. After all, his uncle says money launderers stay in jail longer than murderers and child molesters, right? Johnny feels, after all, crackheads and child molesters can't control what they do, but people who keep money hidden away from the government, well, that's very, _VERY_ bad. Johnny feels if there are too many money launderers, he might be forced to have to use SmartCard to buy _his own_ strawberry-flavored condoms. Johnny feels that would suck. See Johnny's dad open a letter from his political party asking for contributions and investments for our children. The politician writes to Johnny's dad that if Johnny's dad gives him enough investment capital, the politician will be elected, then he can form a bipartisan coalition of concerned politicians to finally declare martial law to crack down on money launderers and other terrorists. The politician says it is Johnny's dad's duty to contribute to the cause. Johnny's dad writes a check for $999.99 made out to the Republicrat Peoples Party of America. Johnny's dad delivers the check personally to the party office. He ran out of stamps and doesn't like to go to the post office anyway for fear of getting shot. The politician calls his buddy at the IRS. Johnny's dad's scheduled audit is cancelled. The check bounces. The politician deposits the money in his Swiss bank account after routing it through multiple dummy corporations via cross-continent swaps and a chain of wire-transfers performed by cut-out surrogates. Strangely enough, during this time, the FINCEN Transactional Analysis Software was down for maintenance. So was INTERFIPOL's. How 'bout that? Johnny's dad picks up the remote and starts to channel-surf. Johnny's dad's mistress is watching the Jerry Stringer show. Today's show is titled "A Dominatrix needs love too; a servant's Christmas guide to buying harnesses, dildos and lubricant for that special someone." See Johnny's aunt go to the 24-7 to buy lottery tickets. Johnny's aunt doesn't have a bank account and cashes her government checks at a check cashing service. Johnny's aunt buys several money orders to send to distant relatives in the Czech Republic. FINCEN goons suspect she is a money launderer. Johnny's aunt buys a carton of cigarettes with her food stamps. She gets into her old beater and drives off. Johnny's aunt has a smile on her face. At that moment a low-elevation spy satellite is passing over the 24-7. A bored NSA spook is watching Johnny's aunt, too. He thinks to himself 'That Jerry Stringer show was much more interesting than this crap. If she's a money launderer, I'm Al Capone.' Johnny's aunt wants to play bingo at the church fundraiser tonight. The church is a thirty minute drive from the 24-7 if she gets on the interstate. Since she doesn't have a TollCard, or a driver's license for that matter, she decides to take the arterial roads. Johnny's aunt is feeling very lucky. She'll review her encrypted forwarded statements from Robber Barron Bank, Grand Cayman branch, afterwards. See Johnny's mommy stuff her face with cookies and cake. See Johnny's mommy go to the instant-no-effort weight loss clinic. See Johnny's mommy watch the nice network news anchor tell her about a new approved breakthrough magic weight loss wonder drug pill. See the nice multinational pharmaceutical's commercial promoting the revolutionary miracle cure for those victimized by obesity. Johnny's mommy thinks, at last, I can stuff my face with all the munchies I wanna eat, and still look thinner than a heroin junkie. Johnny's mommy rolls her own joints. See Johnny's sister pick up the remote. She starts to channel surf. See Johnny's sister watch a breast-implant infomercial. See Johnny's mommy pop two pen-pen pills. Johnny's mommy needs heart surgery. See the extremist doctor invent an effective treatment for pen-pen induced heart problems. See the FDA not approve the treatment. See the FDA helicopter gunships strafe the extremist terrorist doctor's clinic and confiscate his property. See Johnny's mommy get liposuction. Johnny's mommy feels socialized medicine is a right. She is relieved to hear the government has dictated that liposuction is covered under her health plan since it is approved and not done for cosmetic reasons. The government doctor that Johnny has a license to receive treatment from has some very very disturbing news. While the super-duper-penicillin will probably kill off the super-penicillin resistant strain of syphilis he's picked up, there is an eight month waiting list for a week's supply at the government-run pharmacy. Even worse, the wonder drug that was supposed to be able to treat that nasty rash on his private parts has been recalled because, although effective at removing herpes, it had the unfortunate side effect of causing male reproductive organs to shrivel up and fall off. Labeled "Lorena's Solution" by the press, several lawsuits are now pending. A spokesman for Cure My Willy LLC, had no comment. 'There's nothing more I can do except refer you to a qualified counselor." Johnny's assigned doctor said. Something's wrong. Johnny's depressed. Life is tough these days what with all the drug-dealing gun-toting money-laundering anonymous-remailing cash-using message-encrypting mean-spirited insensitively-polluting insufficiently-contributing pornography-consuming tax-evading conspiracy-theorizing uncompassionate-hateful-moral-values-imposing constitutionalist-reactionary-isolationist-survivalist bomb-building-fertilizer-buying right-wing-fanatical terrorist cells running around out there tormenting Johnny and posing a threat to all the other little children we must protect from harm. Johnny's mommy is upset. It's not supposed to be this dangerous living in a social democracy like ours. Johnny's mommy decides to get involved. She forms She forms M.A.E.D.; Mothers Against Everything Dangerous. Johnny's mommy is empowered now. Journalists quote her as an authoritative source when they write their stories. MAED is getting laws passed. Good things are happening. But something's still wrong. Johnny's still depressed. What could it be? He won't talk to me about it. Johnny's mommy is frantic, she does what any decent responsible parent would do under the circumstances, Johnny's mommy e-mails her congressman: NONE OF US ARE SAFE. DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. MAKE IT GO AWAY! NOW!!!! Johnny's therapist knows what's wrong with him. He knows just what Johnny needs. But lobotomies are not politically-correct. So we'll put Johnny on Shitalin. Johnny can cope now. Ahhh, isn't Johnny adorable? Look how calm he is. Johnny's goverment thinks Johnny is a model citizen. They'll pay for the Shitalin. Poorzac, too, if he wants it. No waiting list for those drugs. Everyone knows we must all give up our freedom to protect The Children. Anything for the Children. Like Johnny. We must make sacrifices jor Johnny. There is too much freedom. And not enough protection for The Children. If we don't do something now what does the future hold for all the Children? Children are our most precious resource. The Children are the future. Like Johnny... We can save them. Join MAED now won't you... - -----END TERRORIST PLAINTEXT MUNITION MESSAGE----- © Copyright November 1997-2067 Jo Min Ivan. All Rights Reserved. This touching bit of agitprop brought to you by: POL POT CHUCK & Associates "Exterminating the unarmed, socialist intelligentsia since 1917." Pol Pot Chuck sayz: Learn how to plant evidence, explosives and informants: Support your local N.G.O. -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- Version: 2.6.2 Charset: noconv iQCVAgUBNF6qelDd8XfHqloRAQFNxAP+JyLpZQE4gOb3ZgwwZBWq/D9wn7+fvz3R hs2zX/icFhL0YVh25foarIxEWEOBue8NY3D2xJdoXW4UZdZZtWUga0MnBjDyhUo5 /iIV1s7douE7JAWk98GXd8vSjui3DpP5c5DB6frF+xOJ9LPiXoNnowWLae27noQJ Y8hkl8b+RTU= =WI9v -----END PGP SIGNATURE-----

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