PROLOGUE 6/0 -- SPACE ALIENS HIDE MY DRUGS
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Wasting (Everyone) Away In Mongeritaville:
A man with a gun came to my door recently, and demanded
that I pony-up thirty dollars to members of his gang's
protection racket. If I refuse to pay, he will be back
with other armed thugs.
If I resist them, they will kill me.
Sure, when they drag me in front of one of the big
bosses in their protection racket, I can try to talk
them out of robbing and/or killing me, but it will
inevitably end up with Frank Moretti telling Al Capone,
"If we let this schmuck walk away without ponying-up,
then how are we going to keep the others in line."
In the end, I either pay up or die.
It's all because of my dog...
"Dog running at large." That's what the first threatening
message from the Town of Bienfait said.
"Voluntary fine." It also said that--with a veiled hint
that if I refused to 'do the right thing', that I might
find myself having a little 'trouble'.
I had an uncle who found himself forced to deal with these
kind of thugs when he had a small shop on the bad side of
the tracks in a big city. Then he moved to the 'good side
of town' and found out that the only difference was that
the vigorish was higher, and the thugs were better dressed.
It's the American Way (TM)... If you want to be robbed
by a better class of thugs, then you can expect to pay a
little more for being beaten with gold-knuckles, instead
of brass-knuckles, if you're a little late on your payment.
I'm A Funny Guy, Eh?:
No, I'm serious...
If I fail to pay the Town of Bienfait thirty dollars
for allowing my dog, whom I have not had a single complaint
about from any of my neighbors or fellow citizens, to
experience the freedom that should be the birthright of
every living creature, then those who rule over the
land I currently live on (under the authority of armed
enforcers), are willing to put me to death.
They don't like to kill the goose that laid the golden
egg, Jane or Joe Sheeple, so they prefer to start by
placing them in bondage, kidnapping them, and holding
them prisoner in small cages until they get the message
that they are not to be fucked with.
If you resist being kidnapped and imprisoned, they have
no choice but to send more and better armed thugs to
overcome your resistance, murdering you if you refuse to
recognize and submit to their authority over you, no
matter how unjust or uncivilized their decisions and
their actions.
My dog, Baby, doesn't speak Cherokee, so when the
armed thugs approach, she just barks.
She barks, "The Revolution Is NOW!"
TownShip of MongerItaville -- Population - 1:
I have self-incorporated (self-actualized, for you
people living in New Age, California) the Township of
MongerItaville, in my own mind, and voted myself the
Grand Pooh-Bah(Humbug) of the domain it encompasses,
which can be found by reaching behind myself and
grabbing my ass. (Wherever I go, there I am...)
I was elected unanimusly (not a typo), since in
MongerItaville dogs can vote, but women can't.
(Sorry, Baby, but I only had the Founding Fathers
to use as a role-model...there weren't any Founding
Mothers.)
As the sole citizen and the head of government of
MongerItaville, I had to make a decision as to
whether it was better to attempt to reinvent the
wheel, so to speak, by following the example of
the founders of American democracy, or to take a
more realistic approach and automatically grant
myself all of the same powers as have been assumed
by the current governmental and bureacratic
representatives of the evolution of freedom and
democracy.
In the beginning, I decided to do both, no matter
how schizophrenic the results, since it seemed obvious
that anything less would be the equivalent of bending
over for the soap in the shower at the Home For The
Criminally Insane.
I wrote a 'Realistic Bill of Rights' for the TownShip]
of MongerItaville, including such gems as:
~A well-armed and well-lubricated milita being essential
to the security of my butt-hole, my right to get stinking
fucking drunk and 'Load and Lock' (or whatever) shall not
be a bridge over troubled water.
[Editor's Note: Realistically, the preceeding should
read, "Load (Boom!--"Goddamn, I just blew my foot
off!") and Lock."]
~My right to be secure in my person (especially in the
rear part) and my electronic emmissions (internal and
external) will be the responsibility of no one other
than myself (and possibly Phil Zimmerman and Matt
Blaze).
~I will not discriminate against anyone on the basis
of age, race, sex, sexual orientation, or breed.
(Although I reserve the right to call any living
entity 'old fart', 'nigger', 'slut', 'faggot', or
'mutt', if they--start a sentence with, "Kids
nowdays...'--give me soap, instead of crack, for
my twenty dollars--fuck all of my friends and
everyone in my band--drop the soap in the shower--
jump into bed before me and take the good pillow.)
Hey! Those Aren't Amendments! Those Are Justifications!:
I decided on only two amendments. One to my physical
constitution--a double-shot of Jim Beam, and one to
my intellectual Constitution--I'm the government, and
I can do anything I fucking want..."
I suppose that the latter amendment may no be
politically correct in a Berkeley kind of society,
but at least it is consistent with the recognition
of my right to life, liberty, and pursuit of cynicism.
I May Be A Stupid Fuck, But At Least I'm Not A Stupid Fuck:
Anyone who thinks I am overreacting reads the daily
news with their blinders on...
Remember the old broad in New England whose family
decided she had to be imprisoned against her will in
a looney bin for observation ("We just want to ask
you a few questions...") because she had put up with
society's bullshit long enough to have earned the
right to be 'eccentric'. (That's what you're called
if your filthy fucking rich and let your toenails
grow so long that they curl up like a ram's horns.)
Would the armed thugs pretending to 'serve and
protect' have been using rubber bullets if there was
no press present? (Can you say 'Ruby Ridge'? Sure
you can...)
What if the grandmother busted for helping a stranger
avoid paying vigorish to the armed thugs by plugging
parking meters had told the thugs, "Fuck you! You
assholes are crazy and out of control. I refuse to
be subject to the insanity of your armed rule over
every detail of the citizen's life."?
She would be one dead cunt...
What's Good For The Gander Is Good For Those Getting Goosed:
Am I overreacting?
I am being muscled by thugs that will murder me over
thirty dollars, just to maintain their control over the
Sheeple that they rule.
Any way you want to cut it, you cannot deny that you know
this is true.
Do you understand?
Do you understand that these people are willing to murder
a compound full of people holding 'eccentric' religious
beliefs--men, women and children--justifying their actions
on the grounds of what they later admit are lies?
Do you understand that instead of admitting to their
criminal actions, they will make criminals of the survivors,
placing them in prisons designed to reinforce upon the
citizenry that even their children will be slaughtered if
they are so bold as to say, "The King has no clothes."
I Know You Can Read...But Can You Understand?:
Can you pick up a paper without reading about some
atrocity being perpetrated on individuals and groups of
citizens by the armed thugs in power?
[Tuscon Nutly News--MILITARY ANALYSTS REPORT THAT IN
the last three years, 42,384,672 senior and general
Army officers were accused of offenses including child
molestation and adultery--and not one was prosecuted.
Each was allowed simply to retire.
Sgt. Maj. Gene C. McKinney, however, not being an
officer, faces 55 years in prison for lechery, as
a result of being accused of an act of foreplay
that occured during consensual sex with a woman
not his wife.
Sgt. Maj. McKinney, when reached for comment by
the Left Nutly News, said, "I should have 'accidentally'
killed her after sex. Under the Uniform Code of Military
Justice, negligent homicide only carries a maximum
sentence of *three* years."
Joseph Finder, author of the novel "High Crimes," told
Nutly News reportwhores, in response to allegations that
the Nutly News was misquoting his article and inflating
the numbers involved for shock effect, said, "I write
for the mainstream media. I'm supposed to pretend that
murdering a hundred innocent children makes someone
more of a monster than murdering a single innocent child,
especially if the murderer voted to give my publisher
a huge tax-break for requiring his staff to make certain
that the child was born naked, and thus was obviously
involved in some sort of child-pornography ring."
When asked for comment, a Pentagon spin-liar told
Nutly News reportwhores, "It's called the Uniform Code
of Military Justice because we look at what kind of
uniform they are wearing, and then decide what kind of
justice they are going to get."]
Can you pick up a newspaper without reading about some
totally clueless dickwad--who is licensed to carry a gun,
shoot any citizen on the slightest whim, and then lie
about it in court under cover of a neatly-pressed uniform
and shiny badge--performing some outrageous act that an
ordinary citizen would be lynched for?
[Tucson Nutly News--WHEN THE POLICE OFFICER WHO PLAYS THE
role of McGruff, the police dog (Take a bite out of crime)
was unavailable, a fellow police monger called upon the
services of an inmate incarcerated for child molestation
to fill in as McGruff, in a school classroom containing
one of the child rapist's victims.
Although the voice of Charles Darwin could be heard
calling out from the grave, "Put a bullet in this ignorant
Pig's head, before he breeds.", the citizenry merely turned
to the weather section of the paper, to see if the weekend
would be nice enough for them to take their children to
the park, where the same ignorant piece-of-shit police
officer would be in charge of 'serving' the children up
to convicted child-molesters, and 'protecting' himself
from suffering the consequences of his incompetence by
making sure that his union dues were paid up.
When asked for comment, McGruff, the police dog, told
this reportwhore, "The regular guy's not back yet...do
you have any children...do you have any pictures of
them naked?"
In the 'Real Sports' section of the same newspaper,
the ClueServer Sports Wire reported the results of the
True Justice Championship Game as: Child Molesters - 1,
Children - 0.]
Lucky Strike, Lucky Green -- by Defcon McCullagh Chainsaw
[Time We Found The Path--FOR THE FIRST TIME IN DIGITALLY
recorded history, the voice of the netizens has triumphed
over the paid political spin-doctoring of the mainstream
media.
In a startling development with global consequences, the
recent actions taking place in a Cult of One community
in Southern Saskatchewan, the TownShip of MongerItaville,
have been embraced by citizens around the globe in light
of the information reported by independent observers
relaying a wide variety of details via the InterNet and
the World-Wide-Web, rather from the standard government
hand-outs provided to the mainstream media reportwhores
gathered around the free drinks and snacks left over from
Desert Storm.
TruthMonger, the Grand Pooh-Bah(Humbug) of the
physico-virtual nation of MongerItaville, launched
a surprise First Strike against the dangerous armed
thugs who had threatened his physico-virtual existence
over the paltry sum of thirty dollars.
TruthMonger told this reportwhore, "John Lennon called
me the 'Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse' because I used
to say, 'Throw them all in the laundry bag, and let the
maid sort them out.' I know that this statement doesn't
make any sense, but, believe it or not, this is one of
my *good* days."
Cult of One analysts from around the globe agree
that the straw-dog that broke Joe Camel's back was
provided by a post to the CypherPunks mailing list
by Lucky Green and his secret lover, Anna R. Christ.
"We finally understand what 'The Xenix Chainsaw
Massacre' was all about.
"It was about an individual whose brain had been
destroyed from too many electroshock treatments and
years of drug abuse, finally taking a stand and
deciding to do what was right, even though he had
no idea what that meant.
"It was about people who heard the voice barfing
in the wilderness, which told them that it was
OK to tell the fruitcakes wearing crystals around
their necks to go fuck themselves, and kick their
ass if they didn't give them back the five hundred
bucks they paid to take a seminar which was nothing
more than 'The Power of Positive Thinking' with
a Barnum & Bailey/New Age spin-doctoring tacked
on to rook Spiritually Correct Rubes.
"It was about learning to follow your own wisdom,
your own conscience, and give the guru whose ass
you just kicked a few dollars to cover the cost
of the hot-dog provided by the Sufi vendor at
the back of the seminar hall, who delivered on
his promise to '...make you one with everything.'
"It was about ninety pages long..."
Jean Chretien, the former Prime Minister of
Canada, the country brought down by the Cult of
One seperatist movement inspired by the seige
at MongerItaville, said, "You can fool some of
the people all of the time, and all of the people
some of they time, but...hey, we kept the citizens
believing, for a hundred years, that Louis Riel
acted alone..."
When contacted by this reportwhore, God, the Supreme
Creator of the Universe, said that, due to the Cult Of
One phenomena currently sweeping over the face
of the earth, due to everyone now having their
own web site, "Now I, like Dog, speak only for
myself..."
This is Defcon McCullagh Chainsaw, going with the
flow and mediating on the Zen koan, "Is this a new
spin on the revolution, or vice-versa?"]
Am I Being Silly Again?:
Sure...so what's your point?
