December 2003 - cypherpunks-legacy

Greenspan Farts, Market Tumbles
by Mark Hedges 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

Greenspan Farts, Market Tumbles NEW YORK (AP) -- American stock markets nose-dived today immediately after a press conference at the Federal Reserve Bank, when Alan Greenspan, Fed Chairman, passed gas in an audible expulsion of flatulence. Investors, spooked by the ominous noise, panicked. The Dow Jones industrial average lost 364 points in 20 minutes. Luckily for investors, the Fed Chief then uttered vague, ambiguous statements which could be interpreted as hints of an upcoming rate cut by the masses of illiterate investors. The market soared up more than 450 points, restoring confidence in a bullish market even in the face of the sensational Asian crisis. A key banking player from Merrill Lynch & Co., speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "That really stank. Greenspan must have eaten beans for breakfast." Other bankers at the press conference expressed similar misgivings about Greenspan breaking wind. "It sincerely disturbs me that this man's accidental passing of gas affects market performance in such a substantive way," said another banker. "Doesn't anyone believe that market behavior depends on more than this single man's intestinal fortitude?" Representatives at the Federal Reserve issued only a single statement, saying "Greenspan is in good spirits, and seems to be amused that majorities of investors give his flatulance this power. He is in good health, and his intestinal disturbance passed." The Dow index gained 90 points within 2 minutes of the release of the Fed statement. George Soros, billionaire hedge fund manager and global money market speculator, said regarding Greenspan's noxious vapors, "I don't give a damn what Alan ate for breakfast. This entire spectacle is ridiculous. If you or I farted, as everyone does, probably no one would notice. But for some insane, perhaps inane reason, nearly every American and many foreign investors dote on Greenspan's every comment and action, interpreting them as signs of apocalypse or a wealthy paradise, depending on their mood." In this exclusive report, a senior Fed official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "Perhaps I'm the only one in the world who sees rate cuts as a psychological panacea. A truly stable, substantive economy takes more than a slightly lower interest rate in an already flawed system of debt mechanics. We need to restructure the economy on solid grounds with long- term growth goals. The economy must not be structured only to increase the short-term profits of investors who are only interested in the bottom-line monetary numbers, but who do not care about the real effects their money has in our world." Fed officials declined further comment on the incident. Some financial analysts believe Greenspan's foul air is a clear sign the Fed will decide to cut interest rates at next week's strategy meeting. ----------------------- NOTE: In accordance with Title 17 U.S.D. section 107, this erroneous and humorous material is distributed without profit or payment to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving this information for purpose of laughs and giggles only. ----------------------- ________________________________________________________________ Mark Hedges hedges(a)infopeace.com www.infopeace.com "One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish a dictatorship." O'Brien from 1984, George Orwell ________________________________________________________________

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Crisis in the Burg: the 100GB Bug
by Robert Hettinga 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

--- begin forwarded text Resent-Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 14:47:22 -0400 X-Authentication-Warning: qnx.com: localhost [127.0.0.1] didn't use HELO protocol To: 0xdeadbeef(a)substance.abuse.blackdown.org Subject: Crisis in the Burg: the 100GB Bug Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 14:29:38 -0400 From: glen mccready <glen(a)qnx.com> Resent-From: 0xdeadbeef(a)substance.abuse.blackdown.org X-Mailing-List: <0xdeadbeef(a)substance.abuse.blackdown.org> archive/latest/212 X-Loop: 0xdeadbeef(a)substance.abuse.blackdown.org Precedence: list Resent-Sender: 0xdeadbeef-request(a)substance.abuse.blackdown.org Forwarded-by: nev(a)bostic.com Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt(a)lsd.com> Forwarded-by: Victor Milan, FBNS Forwarded-By: Charles Reuben <buytexas(a)swbell.net> EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills." ### reported by Victor Milan, FBNS forward freely, please attribute --- end forwarded text ----------------- Robert A. Hettinga <mailto: rah(a)philodox.com> Philodox Financial Technology Evangelism <http://www.philodox.com/> 44 Farquhar Street, Boston, MA 02131 USA "... however it may deserve respect for its usefulness and antiquity, [predicting the end of the world] has not been found agreeable to experience." -- Edward Gibbon, 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'

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More Tools. No "Futzing" - Mask Pro 2.0
by listmaster＠extensis.com 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

Announcing Extensis Mask Pro 2.0 Now, get more tools, more control, and NO "futzing" with Mask Pro 2.0 http://www.extensis.com/products/MaskPro/ · NEW! EdgeBlender technology removes background colors from mask edges. · NEW! PrecisionEdge detection creates EDITABLE magic paths for precise edging. · NEW! IntelliBrush removes background color from an individual layer. · NEW! Global choke tightens your entire mask-instantly. · IMPROVED! Smarter color-matching technology gives one-click masking. Extensis MaskPro 2.0 is a significant upgrade to the industry standard in masking software. Mask Pro 2.0 features an expanded and enhanced set of sophisticated tools that let you take on any masking challenge and deliver professional, print-ready results. Mask Pro 2.0 gives you the power tools to create precision masks which far exceed the standard tools available in Photoshop 5. With Extensis Mask Pro 2.0, spend your time creating, not "futzing". With NEW EdgeBlender technology, instantly remove background colors from your mask edges, providing superior edges with NO halos. Then, use IntelliBrush and IntelliWand to remove background colors from a single layer-in a single click. Experiment freely without concern-Mask Pro 2.0 has incremental and entire brush-stroke undos. Better yet, for complex edges, use PrecisionEdge to automatically create an editable magic path-adjust the tolerance, choke, threshold or edit the path on a pixel-level for the most precise edges possible. Best yet, access all of Mask Pro's tools from the NEW Extensis menu-right in Photoshop-using the commands you already know. More Tools. More Control. No "Futzing". Mask Pro 2.0. SPECIAL UPGRADE OFFER to Mask Pro 1.0 Owners: Upgrade to Mask Pro 2.0 NOW for only $99.95 (SAVE $200) SPECIAL OFFER to all Extensis Customers: Buy Mask Pro 2.0 NOW for only $249.95 (SAVE $50!) OFFER FOR EXTENSIS FRIENDS: Buy Mask Pro 2.0 NOW for only $299.95- and save on future Extensis purchases! To ORDER, download a free demo, or for more information, please visit: http://www.extensis.com/products/MaskPro/ Or call Extensis at (800) 796-9798 or (503) 274-2020. Extensis Mask Pro is fully compatible with Adobe Photoshop 4 and 5 (Mac and Windows) and Photo-Paint (Windows). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PS. We have made every effort to ensure this message is being sent only to people who have expressed interest in Extensis products. If we have sent this to you in error, please accept our apologies and reply with "REMOVE" in the subject line for automatic exclusion from future communications. If you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list have them send an email to listmaster(a)extensis.com with "ADD" in the subject line and their email address in the body. P.P.S. This message is intended for North American customers. If you are located outside of North America and have received this message, please visit www.extensis.com/purchase/ to find the nearest local distributor in your country.

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This is a good one!
by Edwin E. Smith 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

If you have Microsoft Word (6.0 or later), and have a thesaurus installed, do the following: 1) Open a new, blank document. 2) Type in the words: I'd like to see Bill Clinton resign. 3) Highlight the entire sentence. 4) Click on the tools menu and select thesaurus (tools, language, thesaurus) Look what is immediately highlighted in the selection box.

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No Subject
by Anonymous 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

At 07:01 AM 9/23/98 -0500, Bruce Schneier wrote: > >Sorry. I am under NDA. Be sure to drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest afterwards; that stuff wears you out ;-)

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No Subject
by Anonymous 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

At 01:54 AM 9/24/98 -0000, Anonymous wrote: >There is an inherent flaw in the jury system. You get summoned and are >legally required to blow the entire day down at the courthouse. If you're >a student you miss classes, and if you have a job you miss that too. You >have to pay for transportation, parking, food, and whatever else you need. >In return, you get paid something like $3, which often isn't even enough >to cover the parking and get told every five minutes that this or that >will get you, as a juror or potential juror, thrown in jail. Basically this is unconstitutional seizure of your time = money. This is slavery, which is prohibited, again by that pesky constitution. The postal service sends datagrams; they are not acknowledged. But you can't subvert if you don't participate.

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No Subject
by Anonymous 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

At 10:38 AM 9/23/98 -0500, Jim Choate wrote: > >It becomes possible to scan for sureptitous clock devices (their tick, tick, >tick in the EM), mod'ed hardware, and software. > >Follow this with a gas spectrograph and a x-ray and you'd have the vast >majority of bases covered. "Ummmm...I left my laptop in a room full of Canadian snowboarders...dude"

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salman rushdie
by bill payne 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

dave --- ABQ J 9/24/98 Iran May Withdraw Writer's Death Threat LONDON - Author Salman Rushdie met with British Foreign Office officials Wednesday amid reports Iran is preparing to withdraw the threat on his life. The late Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini pronounced a "fatwa," death sentence, against Rushdie in 1989 after the publication of his book "Satanic Verses," which many Muslims deemed blasphemous. Islamic militants then put a $2 million bounty on Rushdie's head, forcing the author to live largely in under British police protection. --- I THINK that I heard tonight and saw Rushie's picture on TV that the above was called off. Progress. I am reading again your stuff at http://www.jya.com/filth-spot.htm Let's all hope for release of the requested documents and SETTLEMENT. bill Title: Black and White Test of Cryptographic Algorithms Jump to Forum Click Image to Jump to Next Article Go to Text Only Print Version Black and White Test of Cryptographic Algorithms by William H. Payne This article requires special formatting. Please Click Here to Read Send This Article to a Friend: Your Name: Email Address of your Friend: Your Email address: Back to Home Page Quick Menu Visit the Button Shop Interactive Forum Black and White Test of Cryptographic Algorithms E-mail the Editor

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No Subject
by Anonymous 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Michael Jackson) __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ When beseeched, does not stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Shit was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Mick Jagger __ Cthulhu __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Bill Gates __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Ra __ Beelzebub __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ Elvis __ Cindy Crawford __ The Moon __ A burning shrubbery __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ The Internet __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) __ Human Sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Teletubbies __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): A. Disasters: flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles: rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of Our conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered in The One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered). Thank You, Daryl Clerk of the Supreme Being of the Apocalypse

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Re: Jury duty considered harmful, or at least rare
by Anonymous 17 Dec '03

17 Dec '03

On Tue, 22 Sep 1998, Rabid Wombat wrote: > On 24 Sep 1998, Anonymous wrote: > > > On Wed, 23 Sep 1998, Tim May wrote: > > > > > > > > At 11:11 PM -0700 9/22/98, Bill Stewart wrote: > > > > > > > > If they do have a list, I'd kind of like to be on it. I'm a college > > student, and I _can't_ serve on a jury for more than a day or so. The same > > goes for doctors, corporate executives, and others. > > > > Yeah, right. I *never* blew off class to go to the beach. I never go to > "meetings" on the golf course, either. Glad to hear the only people with > important places to be are doctors, executives, and college students. Maybe you skipped class all the time. Maybe you didn't have to compete to get into a competitive graduate school or graduate from that school. Maybe you hold your "meetings" on the golf course and cheat your company. I don't. That isn't the point. Glad to hear that you make a habit of blowing off class and playing golf on company time. Snip. > Oh, and I need > > to still get my full salary to pay my bills. Thanks, buddy." Um, no. > > > > The company I work for pays our salary while we are on jury duty. We have > to turn over the $3 a day stipend. That's nice for people who work at your company. It won't work for a small business where the juror own and operates it. It also won't work for a small business owner to hire more help and still pay the juror, because then it's cheating the owner. The court system summons the people under penalty of law. The court system puts them on a jury. The government isn't repealing all the bullshit legislation. The government can pay the bills. Can't afford it? Maybe we should redirect some of that welfare money. > Most defendants are guilty. That doesn't mean the one in front of you is. > Take traffic court as an example. How many defandants are there because > they are innocent, and the cop was mistaken, didn't calibrate his radar, > needed to fill his quota, etc.? A few. How many are there because they > want a couple points knocked off the penalty, even theough they were > speeding? Most of them. A guilty defendant is entitled to a fair trial. So > is an innocent one. You don't help the process by ducking jury duty (or > are you one of the stupid people?). That's primarily because of all the bullshit laws and legal events we have: drug laws, computer crime laws, frivolous lawsuits, set-ups by the cops, ITAR/EAR, and other things along that line of thought. The last time I was called for jury duty was back in college, where they got me in the week of finals. Of course, they hit me on that day, so I have to jump through all sorts of hoops and seriously piss a couple of professors off. Nothing keeps those professors from giving somebody like that a harder final either, under the pretense that they might have talked to others in the class about what the questions and answers were, which means that their grades relative to others in the class are then skewed, but the curve is still applied to them. Repeat with similar situations for any profession which isn't like canning at a tomato sauce plant. How many people do you think are found guilty because 11 people in the jury think he should be, and 1 person in the jury thinks the law shouldn't even be there but lets it go because the other 11 people on the jury don't understand the concept of jury nullification, they all just want to go home and not keep losing their livelihood, it *is* the law no matter how unconstitutional it may be, and the offense is relatively minor anyway?

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