Entertainment for Victims June 1998 * $7.09
_________________________
Trojan
Anniversary
Issue
BumBoy
Interview:
Wham! Bam!
C-J VAN DAMNNED
{AKA-Tutu, TruthMangler, ASlayerToBeNamedLater, ad infinitum}
VIAGRA AND
NIGHTSTICKS
The Untold Story
Mrs. Tom
Snyder
LATE NIGHT
BIG MOUTH
_____________________________________________________________
DEAR BUMBO
GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!
"Regarding the well-researched article claiming that the
length of President Clinton's dick and the circumference of
his two balls results in the number '666', I was wondering
if the dick-length was a surface measurement taking into
account the famous 'bend', or if it was measured 'as the
crow flies.'
Paula Lewinski, Lincoln Bedroom Decorat(or/tion)
{Next time, Monica, don't write your question on the back
of your personalized stationery, and you won't have to
eat crow, instead of flies. - BB}
THE BUMBO ADVISOR
K- JELL0
"Does it violate a Canadian citizen's Charter Rights when
the RCMP put sand in the Vaseline?"
~ Sandy SandFart, A Radical Moderator
[Not if they are good kissers. - BB]
MOVIES
WAG THE STRAW DOG
The movie opens with great promise, as ClitOn's OpenFly-
Behind-Closed-Doors policy is exposed by BlackBalls
operatives of a former president referred to only as
'Dick' who break into Ken Starr's offices to plant X-Rays
suggesting that Monica Jones' pussy was bent *before*
her accusations of PresiBent ClitOn promising her a job
as a favor for her favours, when the credit card he
originally tried to pay her with turned out to have
expired long before his erection had done so.
The following scene, however, with PresiBent ClitOn dancing
in front of a Ferral Grand Jury, having a large penis rising
out of his shirt collar, and with a small 'head' sticking
out of his open fly, singing "If I Only Had A Brain," turned
out to be the highlight of a movie that was five years in the
making, at a cost to the US Government of eighty million
dollars.
BUMBO RATING - One Prick Up
__________________________________________________________
BumBoy Interview: C-J VAN DAMNNED
A candied conversation with CyberSpace's most understood
FUD Disseminator whose BadForgeries under the auspices of
the Electronic Forgery Foundation have thus far failed to
trick anyone but Adam Back and Alec McCrackin into being
initiated by the Author into the mythical Circle of Eunuchs
{ It was a scene from a Film Blanc as AnInterviewerToBe-
NamedLater was met at the door of the TrojanSafeHouse by
a TruthMongrel wearing White Lipstick and no panties.
It was immediately obvious that Blanc Weber's attempts
to deflect the Author's obsession with her by forging
love-letters to HimOrHer, purporting to be from Carol
AnnaChrist CypherPunk, had not only failed miserably,
but had also resulted in tremendous psychological trauma
to Baby, who continually interrupted the BumBoy Interview
by dropping a BadBillyG mask at the Author's feet, and
backing towards him with her tail lifted.
When asked about the vile-colored discharge coming from
TruthMongrel's rear area, the Author merely mumbled an
unintelligible statement about 'A tribute to Lucky Green'
and forced a couple of antibotic pills down her throat
with his penis.
AnInterviewerToBeNamedLater, finding the door had locked
behind her, quickly sat down and started her tape recorder
before holding tightly onto the edges of her chair with
both hands and attempting to smile as if nothing was wrong.}
BUMBO: I guess I should start by asking you for the True
Story (TM) behind the Legendary CypherPunks Moderation/
Censorship Experiment.
VAN DAMNNED: The True Story (TM), never before told, is that
the CypherPunks Censorship Crisis, which, incidentally, has
the same acronym (current CypherPunks Word of the Week) as
the Canadian Criminal Code, was, in reality, an attempt to
forcefully remove me from the CypherPunks Classic Mailing
List, after which the mailing list was scheduled to return
to normal, much along the lines of the NewCoke-ClassicCoke
ruse.
BUMBO: Declan McCullagh, a MainDream journalist with the
Netly News, and a media shill for Time Magazine, who was
the first false profit to announce 'The Death of the
CypherPunks', reported that the controversy began over the
forced unsuscbriving of Dr. Dimitri Vulis, KOTM as a result
of his relentless spamming of the CypherPunks Classic
Mailing List. Are you suggesting that Declan is a lying piece
of crap?
VAN DAMNED: ou don't understand...
There *is*no* Declan...there *is*no* Dimitri.
BUMBO: Well bend me over, and call me Mary...are you serious?
VAN DAMNNED: Fucking eh! Excuse me, but that's an old Canadian
TouretTic saying...
Believe me, I was as surprised as you are when I first began
to suspect that the CypherPunks Classic Mailing List had at
its heart the classic scent of a dark, hidden conspiracy.
At first I thought it was part of the WorldWidePlot (TM) against
me by Gomez and the Dark Allies, but I later discovered it to
be the work of a lone gunman, operating from behind the grass
grown on the knoll known as Mayonaisse Mountain.
BUMBO: Timothy C. May?
VAN DAMNNED: If that is his *real* name...
BUMBO: Are you sure you're not full of shit and just trying
to distract me while you try to peek up my skirt to see if
I'm wearing any panties?
VAN DAMNNED: Those are two separate issues...
Actually, my underlover investigation, with Baby on top,
eventually revealed that Tim May is a senile, grouchy old
fart whose redneck, racist cynicism resulted in him being
shunned by every decent, law-abiding, moral person on the
InterNet, and he single-handedly began the CypherPunks
Classic Mailing List by assuming the personas of a variety
of alleged founders of the list, including Gilmore, Hughes,
et al.
TCM's original plan was to create a mystique around the list
which would draw others into his sticky PreWorldWideWeb and
result in his being able to twist the minds of others with
his criminal, anarchistic beliefs. Over the years, however,
the lack of response by others on the InterNet forced him
to invent such a wide variety of CypherPunks Consistent
Net Personas (TM) that he eventually went mad, identifying
with each and every persona and subconsiously fearing the
intrusion of 'outsiders' into the CypherReality that he
had created.
BUMBO: And he managed to maintain the illusion all of
these years?
VAN DAMNNED: es. As hard as it is to believe, little Timmy
Mayonnaise, a sorry, pathetic loser whose CyberLoneliness
drove him to madness, is solely responsible for the prodigious
output of the CypherPunks over the years. BlackNet, Remailers,
HashCash, StrangleHold and Comanche software...
BUMBO: Are you saying that Sameer, Ian Goldberg, Peter Trei,
Matt Blaze, Lance Cottrell, et al, don't exist?
VAN DAMNNED: Never have, never will.
BUMBO: And Sandy SandFart?
VAN DAMNNED: The best-kept-secret in CypherPunks CyberHistory
is that *I* am Sandy SandFart.
BUMBO: Get out of here...
VAN DAMNNED: OK, I'm leaving...
BUMBO: No, you fucking idiot...that's just an expression!
VAN DAMNNED: Oh...sorry...
Anyway, the whole CypherPunks Censorship Crisis (not to be
confused with the Canadian Criminal Code), began when I
innocently joined the CypherPunks Classic Mailing List,
believing it to be real. Tim May at first believed that
I was just another one of his invented personas, but he
inadvertantly stumbled upon documentation that I was
actually a separate individual, and thus a threat to the
CypherReality that he had so painstakingly created over
the years.
When I began to realize that my existence as an actual
person was creating problems on the list, due to my
post mathematically proving that I had broken PGP having
mysteriously failed to show up on the CypherPunks list,
I quickly changed my NetPersona to an imaginary being
known as Toto, but the mental infirmities that prevented
me from maintaining a Consistent CypherPunks Net Persona
made it a useless exercise in redundant uselessness.
Timothy C. May, under his John Gilmore persona, announced
the forceful unsribiving of another of his CypherPunks
personas, Dimitri Vulis, with the intention of having the
CypherPunks Classic Mailing List moderated/censored by
an entity introduced as Sandy SandFart.
Recognizing TCM's clever ruse, I blindsided his devious
plan by assuming the role of Sandy SandFart on the list,
forcing little Timmy into a schizoid break during which
he withdrew from the CypherPunks list as Tim C. May,
while subconsiously maintaining his other personas.
BUMBO: This is getting too weird... Do you have any actual
*proof* of all this?
VAN DAMNNED: Think about it...
When did pouting little Timmy return to the list?
After 'Toto' posted a message to the list, with the
Subject: Cyphernomicon, Tim May was finally
driven beyond the boundaries of bizarre brainiatic
bedlam to the point where it broke the PGP-encrypted
brainwaves holding apart his separate CypherPunks
Consistent Net Personas, and he reached a level where
he was 'Hun With Everything', including Attila.
BUMBO: Uuhhh...are you starting to 'lose it'?
VAN DAMNNED: Must be time to take my medication. Let's put
a right-square bracket in and continue this interview after
I suck up the pills I stashed up TruthMongrel's twat...]
