[ot][spam][personal] cheery behavior log
for years i have struggled to get out of bed for complex reasons. long story shory, i’d like to try practicing, in a very very slow and gentle way, holding a brief intentionality of excitement and happiness around behavior parts. the theory is that it is possible to carefully build strength around the properties that triggers and things value when they act. when pursuing wim hof, it went like wim hof said, where i eventually developed a conscious ability to cause my skin to produce warmth against cold. i would like to find a path to doing this emotionally. i plan to journal these attempts, and to take them very very slowly and methodically. i expect the journal to get a little complex, and i hope to find a path to make it manageable. 2024-05-31 prior to 0613 mdt this morning before 0612 i tried this very briefly (holding happy excitement and doing a behavior (tiny bit of imagining getting up) with the happy excitement), and in order to succeed we got up all the way, which involved protecting the feelings involved. then i played a videogame to try to help with the pending triggers. i will right now eat a small candy. having a peppermint i found. in the ensuing daydreaming i held the positivity space a little poorly; a worker asked me to move my car from where it was parked; another part of me tried copying the behavior which changed the triggering space; and we generally explored more areas of the trigger space just in normal holding of things which was intense; and my team lost the video game. i think all these things made it harder to provide safety for the little bit that tried this, but i think making it really small, and holding that as part of the intentionality, can help a lot. there’s a pattern i have where the tiniest worries can trigger, and i think by being very careful of my thoughts and things, that we can be aware of that and protect this to grow (i hope). and i’m excited to have an excuse to eat. another thing we noticed is that there are a lot of trigger spaces, involving e.g. the perception of me planning to have certain kinds of power in my own mind, this can be really intense, but that also there is a little simple space near the goal that is not seeming as strong or complex. also that a lot of me is working nonverbally to help protect things and find paths at this point.
2/24 goal: - hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water - keep duration very short at start, and journal - associate with food and reward with food and candy
2/24
goal: - hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water - keep duration very short at start, and journal - associate with food and reward with food and candy
3/24 2 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish i prepared food, then briefly felt intentionally cheery and thought about dressing easily, and then ate the food. intention was count of 1. forgot safety so intended this a little after. there are a lot of parts to this andwe've been daydreaming it some. seems really really helpful to separate the behavior from other things. build safeness.
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water - keep duration very short at start, and journal - associate with food and reward with food and candy
3/24 2 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish
3 day 1 1211 1 i intended these feelings for the count of 1 and then had a melted reece’s cup. this was hard for me to do until i stumbled on some food which i will have after. seems it would be helpful to have food around to find when confused. i am now putting on my sandals as a behavior, but after the feelings to dissociate them some
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water - keep duration very short at start, and journal - associate with food and reward with food and candy
3/24 2 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish
3 day 1 1211 1
try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
goal: - hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water - keep duration very short at start, and journal - associate with food and reward with food and candy
3/24 2 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish
3 day 1 1211 1
try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
goal: - hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water - keep duration very short at start, and journal - associate with food and reward with food and candy
3/24 2 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish
3 day 1 1211 1
try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
#7 day 2 0953 count 1 reece’s . put shoes on. organized to do so first. buying a little groceries as well.
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water - keep duration very short at start, and journal - associate with food and reward with food and candy
3/24 2 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish
3 day 1 1211 1
try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
#7 day 2 0953 count 1
#8 day 2 1031 count 1 partial humus wrap made prior
goal:
> - hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior > gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water > - keep duration very short at start, and journal > - associate with food and reward with food and candy >
3/24 2 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish
3 day 1 1211 1
try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
#7 day 2 0953 count 1
#8 day 2 1031 count 1
#9 day 2 1507 count 1
goal:
>> - hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior >> gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water >> - keep duration very short at start, and journal >> - associate with food and reward with food and candy >> > > 3/24 > 2 > 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish > 3 day 1 1211 1
try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
#7 day 2 0953 count 1
#8 day 2 1031 count 1
#9 day 2 1507 count 1
#10 day 2 1845 count 1 two handfuls of peanuts and raisins thinking the reward type and size seems to relate to how tense the behavior can seem maybe relates to starting slow going easier etc
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently
>>> and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water >>> - keep duration very short at start, and journal >>> - associate with food and reward with food and candy >>> >> >> 3/24 >> 2 >> 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish >> > 3 day 1 1211 1 > try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
#7 day 2 0953 count 1
#8 day 2 1031 count 1
#9 day 2 1507 count 1
#10 day 2 1845 count 1
11. day 2 1905 ct 1 3 handfuls peanuts and raisins and a peppermint 12. day 2 1958 ct 1 3 handfuls but side task rewarded too 13. day 3 1323 ct 1 a peppermint, then going to have some of the peanuts and raising and go for a small walk
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently
>>> and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water >>> - keep duration very short at start, and journal >>> - associate with food and reward with food and candy >>> >> >> 3/24 >> 2 >> 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish >> > 3 day 1 1211 1 > try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
#7 day 2 0953 count 1
#8 day 2 1031 count 1
#9 day 2 1507 count 1
#10 day 2 1845 count 1
11. day 2 1905 ct 1 12. day 2 1958 ct 1 13. day 3 1323 ct 1 14. day 3 1528 ct 1 peppermint then mix x 4 15. dy 3 1822 ct 1 part. humus wrap shorter but i think it’s good because still working on simply trying it being ok on a difficult drive :) i didn’t do it this morning getting up too, to help take slowly 16, dy 3 2232 ct 1 getting a little easier peppermint then nuts and raisins 17. dy 4 0623 ct 1 peppermint, then planning nuts and raisins and videogame some parts seemed pretty unsure, shortly after thinking about how intensely to feel it. these years i can feel things too strongly in a way that can seem damaging, and considering this was scary for some. did not feel all the way this time. quite sleepy (so big success got up :s)
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently
>>> and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water >>> - keep duration very short at start, and journal >>> - associate with food and reward with food and candy >>> >> >> 3/24 >> 2 >> 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish >> > 3 day 1 1211 1 > try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1
try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
#7 day 2 0953 count 1
#8 day 2 1031 count 1
#9 day 2 1507 count 1
#10 day 2 1845 count 1
11. day 2 1905 ct 1 12. day 2 1958 ct 1 13. day 3 1323 ct 1 14. day 3 1528 ct 1 15. dy 3 1822 ct 1 16, dy 3 2232 ct 1 17. dy 4 0623 ct 1 18. dy 4 1241 ct 1 partial wrap. humus getting older. thinking on value of doing something ctivr right after the feeling. like this would help keep the feeling useful. 19. dy 4 1821 ct 1 wrap, then maybe nuts as i intend the feelings more they change a little, sadly, something for me to think about, but maybe the intention is more important than the experience. some worry writing this could worsen things. 20. dy 5 0656 ct 1 two peppermints, got up, might have nuts and do videogame thinking food draw is bigger if i don’t eat much night before was thinking this morning how the choice to try this feels separate from doing it. one of my things is actually choosing to do something, unpleasant to have choices change and move on own. so we were thinking maybe try to do earlier and more readily, but also could make hard, those choice influences are strong still feels really hard to do, feeling feeds back a little with amnesia and confusion, but am quite able to do! so still excited about potential of success here we have a lot of worry around discussion of choice influences or something near :s but maybe videogame will dissociate some of us are thinking some of the difficulty degree relates to things from day prior, maybe could be good to leave a little space sometimes have an appointment tomorrow morning feeling more capable in general always wonderful some worry, some of the things i typed feel like they can really impact how this goes just typing them :s thinking of taking a lot of space, maybe finding more candy
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently
>>>> and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water >>>> - keep duration very short at start, and journal >>>> - associate with food and reward with food and candy >>>> >>> >>> 3/24 >>> 2 >>> 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish >>> >> 3 day 1 1211 1 >> > try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1 > try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1
#7 day 2 0953 count 1
#8 day 2 1031 count 1
#9 day 2 1507 count 1
#10 day 2 1845 count 1
11. day 2 1905 ct 1 12. day 2 1958 ct 1 13. day 3 1323 ct 1 14. day 3 1528 ct 1 15. dy 3 1822 ct 1 16, dy 3 2232 ct 1 17. dy 4 0623 ct 1 18. dy 4 1241 ct 1 19. dy 4 1821 ct 1 20. dy 5 0656 ct 1
21. dy 5 1122 ct 1 during hard drive, a little spasmy 4 handfuls nuts then took off shoes
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior
>>>>> gently and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water >>>>> - keep duration very short at start, and journal >>>>> - associate with food and reward with food and candy >>>>> >>>> >>>> 3/24 >>>> 2 >>>> 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish >>>> >>> 3 day 1 1211 1 >>> >> try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1 >> > try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1 > #7 day 2 0953 count 1
#8 day 2 1031 count 1
#9 day 2 1507 count 1
#10 day 2 1845 count 1
11. day 2 1905 ct 1 12. day 2 1958 ct 1 13. day 3 1323 ct 1 14. day 3 1528 ct 1 15. dy 3 1822 ct 1 16, dy 3 2232 ct 1 17. dy 4 0623 ct 1 18. dy 4 1241 ct 1 19. dy 4 1821 ct 1 20. dy 5 0656 ct 1
21. dy 5 1122 ct 1
22. dy 5 1125 ct 1 peppermint sat up straight in seat eating peppermint slowly 23. dy 5 1234 ct 1 4x nuts n raisins getting better at this! 24. dy 5 1236 ct 1 4x again not as easy as 10 mins ago 25. day 5 1920 ct 1 6x also not that easy, think peppermint makes easier 26 & 27 not logged, happened once above, both on day 5. now day 6. seems much harder, associated with logging. might do a really small one with peppermint unsure
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently
>>>>>> and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water >>>>>> - keep duration very short at start, and journal >>>>>> - associate with food and reward with food and candy >>>>>> >>>>> >>>>> 3/24 >>>>> 2 >>>>> 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish >>>>> >>>> 3 day 1 1211 1 >>>> >>> try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1 >>> >> try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1 >> > #7 day 2 0953 count 1 > #8 day 2 1031 count 1
#9 day 2 1507 count 1
#10 day 2 1845 count 1
11. day 2 1905 ct 1 12. day 2 1958 ct 1 13. day 3 1323 ct 1 14. day 3 1528 ct 1 15. dy 3 1822 ct 1 16, dy 3 2232 ct 1 17. dy 4 0623 ct 1 18. dy 4 1241 ct 1 19. dy 4 1821 ct 1 20. dy 5 0656 ct 1
21. dy 5 1122 ct 1
22. dy 5 1125 ct 1
23. dy 5 1234 ct 1
24. dy 5 1236 ct 1 25. day 5 1920 ct 1 26 & 27 not logged, happened once above 28. day 6 1404 ct 0.5 slow peppermint probably nuts after rough day, i suppose other days were rough too last peppermint, maybe get more 29. day 6 1916 ct 0.5 peppermint other things going on nuts x4 brushed teeth a relief 30. day 7 1006 ct 0.5 peppermint, then probably nuts and packing for ymca to exercise, shower, etc up to 20 more not logged on day 7 mostly to reward doing a videochat, something i do, using blueberries, chocolate, energy bars. starting with 2 now since count lost 2-1 d8 0437 ct 0.5 slow peppermint intense, feeling down and tired stayed up really late, but did a lot with peppermint and .5 ct, got up, put clothes on, jumpstarting car
goal:
- hold SAFETY, EXCITEMENT, and HAPPINESS while pursuing a behavior gently
>>>>>>> and intentionally, like wim hof with cold water >>>>>>> - keep duration very short at start, and journal >>>>>>> - associate with food and reward with food and candy >>>>>>> >>>>>> >>>>>> 3/24 >>>>>> 2 >>>>>> 2024-05-31 0846 mdtish >>>>>> >>>>> 3 day 1 1211 1 >>>>> >>>> try 4 day 1 before 1603 count 1 >>>> >>> try 6 day 2 before 0716 count 1 >>> >> #7 day 2 0953 count 1 >> > #8 day 2 1031 count 1 > #9 day 2 1507 count 1
#10 day 2 1845 count 1
11. day 2 1905 ct 1 12. day 2 1958 ct 1 13. day 3 1323 ct 1 14. day 3 1528 ct 1 15. dy 3 1822 ct 1 16, dy 3 2232 ct 1 17. dy 4 0623 ct 1 18. dy 4 1241 ct 1 19. dy 4 1821 ct 1 20. dy 5 0656 ct 1
21. dy 5 1122 ct 1
22. dy 5 1125 ct 1
23. dy 5 1234 ct 1
24. dy 5 1236 ct 1 25. day 5 1920 ct 1 26 & 27 not logged, happened once above
28. day 6 1404 ct 0.5
29. day 6 1916 ct 0.5
30. day 7 1006 ct 0.5 10-20 skipped d7, restarted w/ 2- prefix
2-1 d8 0437 ct 0.5 slow peppermint intense, feeling down and tired stayed up really late, but did a lot with peppermint and .5 ct, got up, put clothes on, jumpstarting car
adding to 2-1 that the morning birds were singing when jumpstarting car and this seemed really helpful for cheery excitement fitting in etc 2-2 d8 2-3 d8 1551 2x nuts — it’s now 2024-06-13 maybe day 14 or so i’ve been trying to do the focusing every time i eat, but i stopped logging it which makes it easIer (significantly in some areas). i use food reward during videoconferences so sometimes that’s a lot each time only the count of 0.5 which i’m measuring as a single breath in or out it’s been a week of 0.5 so i’m thinking of moving back up to 1.0 which i count as a single breath both in and out. as i do the focusing more it changes a little …
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Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many