when pursuing wim hof, it went like wim hof said, where i eventually developed a conscious ability to cause my skin to produce warmth against cold. i would like to find a path to doing this emotionally.

i plan to journal these attempts, and to take them very very slowly and methodically. i expect the journal to get a little complex, and i hope to find a path to make it manageable.

this morning before 0612 i tried this very briefly (holding happy excitement and doing a behavior (tiny bit of imagining getting up) with the happy excitement), and in order to succeed we got up all the way, which involved protecting the feelings involved. then i played a videogame to try to help with the pending triggers. i will right now eat a small candy. having a peppermint i found.

in the ensuing daydreaming i held the positivity space a little poorly; a worker asked me to move my car from where it was parked; another part of me tried copying the behavior which changed the triggering space; and we generally explored more areas of the trigger space just in normal holding of things which was intense; and my team lost the video game. i think all these things made it harder to provide safety for the little bit that tried this, but i think making it really small, and holding that as part of the intentionality, can help a lot.

there’s a pattern i have where the tiniest worries can trigger, and i think by being very careful of my thoughts and things, that we can be aware of that and protect this to grow (i hope). and i’m excited to have an excuse to eat.

another thing we noticed is that there are a lot of trigger spaces, involving e.g. the perception of me planning to have certain kinds of power in my own mind, this can be really intense, but that also there is a little simple space near the goal that is not seeming as strong or complex. also that a lot of me is working nonverbally to help protect things and find paths at this point.