[ot][personal] cult reading notes

[Undiscussed Groomed for Male Slavery, One Victim of Many]

having lost this draft means copying over again all the material i
don't want to see. but there are positive aspects too.

rewiring a floating requires first identifying the stimulus and may
involve weeks of continuous work

i don't like it. these experiences are full of rare information on
cults. at least like videtape yourself while doing it or something.

a common thing people say about thinking is that you can't "not" think
about something -- that trying to avoid something causes thinking of
it.
you can actually not think of something, by focusing strongly on other
things, especially very emotional things or even things so intense
that your response to them is to forget or dissociate. you can learn
to intentionally not think of, or forget, things, and this is pretty
impactful.
i think i shared that skill or something.

author says the mind is like a muscle. can learn to do things it has
unlearned. [also mentioned going through old documents to rebuild
memories of self; again please don't force this on me when i am not
ready. i have part of me that tries to mutate my memories to
thoroughly hide my indoctrination experience, and this part of me is
used to disrespecting who i really am.]

this is really hard to stay sane for. i am not sure that publicly
reading this book is the right approach, and i don't know what would
keep it going privately.

i'm having a lot of numbing and am sad about the memories and feelings
that seem to be shrinking in me. one topic wasn't written. another
here is the concept of number one priority of ex members ends up being
rescuing friends who were in the group.

barf, start by writing down your entire experience. what a way to have
convulsions and amnesia and get a psychotic break.

he does go through and describe it.

i copied it over. i'll send this and get back to notes.