[ot][spam][crazy][personal] trying to do things

[Undiscussed Horrific Abuse, One Victim of Many]

0449

usually trying to improve things worsens them for me. but not always, in
every way.

I spent some time trying to design a machine that would dispense nicotine
to me in response to me doing behaviors I chose to reward. the plan was to
put it in a steel box so I couldn't reach the nicotine any other way than
meeting the behaviors. i'd never tried nicotine before.

I bought many parts for the design, and took nicotine to support building
it, only when I tried to make progress, but eventually stopped,
unfortunately. it seemed like it was fine until I thought something small
and specific about it, and then my experiences latched on and every time I
did it after that it got much, much harder. it's weird to take nicotine and
get _less_ interested in doing it. I felt like I could kind of feel my mind
engaging the nicotine feeling to counter the behavior, rather than support
it.
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