[ot][spam][crazy][personal] trying to do things

[Undiscussed Horrific Abuse, One Victim of Many]

0453

I made a chart of that, back then.

anyway, with the wim hof showers, i've been thinking on that experience
some. for one thing, my mind is pretty different now. that was a number of
years, psychotic breaks, hospitalizations, etc out there. when you take
meds or have a psychotic break, either of these can change your brain in
ways that stick, in my experience. what goes on changes. but powerful
patterns can change pretty slowly while delicate patterns can be pretty
vulnerable, which is sad often.

anyway, with the wim hof showers, I try to not think that thing that
inhibited the nicotine machine, and I try to be gentle with similar
thoughts. I kind of navigate my experience as I do it.

the inexactness of the online logging might be helping me some. my
inhibitions didn't like precise measurement, maybe because I imagined it
giving me more ways to resist them. similarly, sharing these things in
public, the inhibitions get "stage fright" kind of, and are less active,
change less wildly ...

often I try to develop confidence by doing or saying the opposite of what
the inhibitions in me want, like some of the content in the mind control
stories. but I try to do that less, or at least much less pointedly, around
this task, to help it succeed ...
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