0449
   usually trying to improve things worsens them for me. but not always,
   in every way.
   I spent some time trying to design a machine that would dispense
   nicotine to me in response to me doing behaviors I chose to reward. the
   plan was to put it in a steel box so I couldn't reach the nicotine any
   other way than meeting the behaviors. i'd never tried nicotine before.
   I bought many parts for the design, and took nicotine to support
   building it, only when I tried to make progress, but eventually
   stopped, unfortunately. it seemed like it was fine until I thought
   something small and specific about it, and then my experiences latched
   on and every time I did it after that it got much, much harder. it's
   weird to take nicotine and get _less_ interested in doing it. I felt
   like I could kind of feel my mind engaging the nicotine feeling to
   counter the behavior, rather than support it.