Comedy On Tap

[Comedy On Tap]

      Comedy On Tap
     Daily Newsletter
   For Tuesday, January 23, 2001

A one hundred and four-year-old Russian woman has grown new 
teeth.  Maria Vasilieva is delighted that she will at last 
be able to enjoy her favorite ginger cookies...

... One word: "Chernobl"

Finally! We sobered up enough to scan in the pictures from 
the 'N Sync / Comedy On Tap / SportsHollywood / party at The 
Sundance Film Festival. Look and laugh:
http://www.sportshollywood.com/sundance.html

WHAT?
New-style underwire bras are sending washing-machine repair 
workers crazy. Bra wires have become the biggest cause of 
blockages or damage to washing machines in Britain, 
electrical repairs group Curry's Coverplan said...

... Meanwhile, customer numbers are sagging... 

... On the bright side the lint in the machines is now more 
shapely and voluptuous...

... Phones and computers can do it, when will bras finally 
develop wireless technology...?

ENTERTAINMENT
Regis Philbin finally has a new partner. "All My Children" 
actress Kelly Ripa was introduced Monday as Philbin's 
co-host on the syndicated talk show...

... Big deal -- she'd get paid more if she just appeared as 
a contestant on his other show...

... She's working hard to lose enough talent to take over 
for Kathie Lee Gifford...

... Can Kelly find happiness with Regis? Will the conniving 
Erica Kane spoil Kelly's talk show debut? Or will Kelly miss 
Pine Valley and go back to the handsome Mateo Santos? Tune 
in tomorrow and find out...

POLITICS
Former President Clinton and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton 
will reimburse Democratic fundraiser Denise Rich and others 
who showered them with gifts in their final year in the 
White House...

... "We did nothing wrong - and we're giving everything 
back..."

SURF REPORT
Yeah, but she's REALLY smart:
http://www.comedyontap.com/features/tasteless.htm

DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT
After 11 years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman 
said Monday that they are separating because their work is 
keeping them apart...

... So they need some time apart from not seeing each other...?

IT'S WEIRD!
In Barnstable, Massachusetts, high schoolers are checking 
their cafeteria food a lot more closely after one student 
found part of a thumb in her turkey sandwich. Apparently one 
of the cafeteria workers severed the top of her thumb in a 
slicer...

... And from now on, they're only serving finger food...

... You don't want to know what they found in the butt steak...

ON FEBRUARY 6th...

In 1971, Alan Shepard hit a golf ball on the Moon using a 
6-iron. The U.S. Apollo IV astronauts prepared to head back 
to Earth after a  33-hour stay on the moon.

... You know you're bad when your ball doesn't even carry in 
zero gravity...

... Somehow "that's one small wedge for a man, one giant 
three wood for mankind" just didn't sound as catchy.

TASTELESS
In Elmont, New York, a man walked into a gas station with a 
toilet plunger stuffed under his coat, intending to rob the 
place.  Pretending that the plunger was a gun, he demanded 
money, but the attendant said no.  He then turned and ran, 
dropping the plunger on his way out...

... I bet the New York cops will figure out what to do with 
that plunger when they catch him...

FINALLY...
Things my girlfriend says:
   
Go ahead and leave the seat up.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
This diamond is way too big.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
I love it when you finger me while you drive.
Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway.  It's 
cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
I farted again.  Lift the covers so we can smell it.
Oh yeah,... *any* hole you want!!!

... That's why she's my girlfriend!

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"Merrill Lynch is issuing three new bonds. The Monica, which 
has no maturity; the Gore, which has no interest; the 
Clinton, which has no principal."

-- New York Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams



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