Comedy On Tap

[Comedy On Tap]

      Comedy On Tap
     Daily Newsletter
   For the weekend, baby!

The Senate confirmed John Ashcroft to be attorney general, 
giving President Bush a victory in his first battle with 
congressional Democrats...

... He should be a lot like Janet Reno was, only a little 
more feminine...

HOW ON EARTH DID PETS.COM BLOW ALL THAT DOUGH?
http://www.comedyontap.com/features/tasteless.htm

WHAT?
The Fox television network has turned down a commercial for 
a female contraceptive product that its makers wanted to run 
during "Temptation Island."...

... "This is a show about affairs and illicit sex - we 
wouldn't want to advertise anything that could be a BAD 
INFLUENCE!!!"

ENTERTAINMENT
Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson is replacing previously 
announced bandmate Nick Carter as a contestant for "Who 
Wants to Be a Millionaire's" Rock Star Edition...

... Can he just lip-synch to a really smart person...?

POLITICS
Horror movie director Wes Craven, the man behind "Scream" 
and "Nightmare on Elm Street," has made a film of former 
President Clinton giving a White House tour during his last 
days in office. The footage will be used for an hour-long 
documentary that will be shown at the Clinton presidential 
library in Arkansas...

... I never screamed louder at a shower scene - there wasn't 
a slasher or anything, I just saw Hillary naked...

DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT (or just fat)
A Texas judge told former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith 
to stop lying in her testimony in a family battle over the 
billion-dollar oil fortune of her late husband. Probate 
Judge Mike Wood accused Smith on Wednesday of making wildly 
untruthful allegations against her stepson Pierce Marshall 
and said he would hold her in contempt of court if she did 
not answer questions accurately...

... I know how the defense can get her to lie again - ask 
her how much she weighs...

OPENING MOVIE BUZZ - yeah, we hated them all... just shows 
'ya we're not owned by the studios... although we open to 
all offers, mind you...

VALENTINE (Warner Bros.) - Hmm. A horror flick about a 
masked killer stalking nubile young women - gee, I can't 
believe they didn't screen it for the press! Rated R.

BUZZ: Here's what I glommed from the official website: Kate 
(Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Dorothy (Jessica 
Capshaw) and Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) grew up together, 
"scorning the nerds and presenting a united front to the 
school bullies" - whatever the hell that means. They grow 
up, get careers, but remain friends... as well as remaining 
single (Ah! Single women. Of course they must be punished!) 
As Valentine's Day approaches each woman begins receiving 
creepy Valentines (not as creepy as receiving one from your 
stepfather, but still...), which a police detective tells 
them could be coming from some kid they dissed at a 
Valentine's Day dance way back in junior high. And since 
none of the women remember this loser, he could be any man, 
anywhere. (So lemme see - any guy these ladies pick up could 
be a psychotic scumbag? Isn't that pretty much every night 
in LA?) Think this sounds good? Go see it. Think it sounds 
crummy? Well... usually these films aren't previewed for a 
reason. Ticket buyer beware.

HEAD OVER HEELS (Universal) - Monica Potter (who you'll 
remember from "Patch Adams" - if you haven't 
self-lobotomized in an effort to destroy all memory of that 
film) plays a naïve gal from the midwest who comes to the 
Big Apple to work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art... 
somewhere this movie will never, ever be shown. She moves in 
with four supermodels (But of course! It's New York!) and 
moons over her neighbor Jim (Freddie Prinze Jr.), a 
certified, grade-A hunk she peeps at from her window. But 
one night she thinks she's witnessed hunky ol' Jim murder 
someone, so she and the supermodels begin snooping around to 
find out whether Jim is a nice guy or just another cute New 
York psycho. If you can't tell by now that this is pure crap 
you knocked out a few too many brain cells during that 
"Patch Adams" lobotomy. Rated PG-13.

BUZZ: Full disclosure: I think Freddie Prinze Jr. - while he 
might be a very nice guy - is easily the worst actor in 
movies today. And, lo and behold, "Head Over Heels" features 
yet another in a series of paper-thin, puddle-deep 
performances from the maestro. The impressive thing is, 
EVERYTHING in the film is as bad as he is. Oh my God, it's 
AWFUL! So awful it achieves a kind of majesty - can 
something really be this grotesque all the way around? 
Apparently so! It's like some nasty scientific experiment on 
dead bodies or something... y'know, you don't actually want 
to see it, but you're glad someone proved the theory. Potter 
and Prinze are dreadful, and even more dreadful together 
(they have chemistry, all right - kind of like two 
substances that, when combined, produce poison gas). The 
supermodel roomies are played by actual models. 'Nuff said. 
And the script is like a 13-year-old girl decided to rethink 
Hitchcock's "Rear Window" - but with cute guys and 
supermodels! And fart jokes! Can't forget the fart jokes. 
Hard to believe Hitchcock let those golden opportunities 
slip past. So, have I made myself clear enough? Good. 
Hopefully I've saved you from another self-induced lobotomy. 
You're welcome.

Also: THE MILLION DOLLAR HOTEL

ON FEBRUARY 2...
In 1947, actress/calendar girl Farrah Fawcett was born. She 
played Jill Munroe on "Charlie's Angels," and was married to 
Lee Majors, who played "The Six Million Dollar Man'...

... After the divorce he was the THREE million dollar man...

In 1966, Woody Allen wed Louise Lasser...

... Unfortunately she didn't give him any children, so he 
had nobody to date for the next 20 years...

MORE WOODY
http://www.comedyontap.com/pantheon/allen/allen.html

In 1997, police arrested McDonald's employee Mence Powell, 
19, for selling marijuana in Happy Meals from the 
drive-through window...

... They figured it out when his customers kept getting the 
munchies and circling back into the drive-thru lane...

... On top of that,  they got him for asking if they'd like 
some Coke with their order...

In 1997, Connie Hamzy, a the Little Rock, Arkansas, resident 
known as "Sweet Sweet Connie," told the Arkansas 
Democrat-Gazette that she passed three polygraph tests over 
the weekend regarding an alleged encounter she had with 
then-Governor Bill Clinton in 1984. Hamzy is a 
self-professed sex groupie for rock bands... 

... She's a music groupie? Apparently she's never heard him 
play the saxophone...

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT CONNIE:
http://www.comedyontap.com/presgirls/hamzy.html

In 1997, the Broadway show "Cats," was sued by a woman who 
said one of the characters was too frisky. A woman says she 
was sitting in a orchestra seat with her fiancee when actor 
David Hibbard, dressed as the feline Rum Tum Tugger, came 
off the stage and attacked her as part of the show on Jan. 
30, 1996. The New York Times says Amato filed suit asking 
for $6 million in punitive and compensatory damages for 
assault, battery, invasion of privacy and other charges...

... Not to mention the rabies shots...

TASTELESS
A group of Shriners has sparked a major uproar in Winnipeg 
after it was reported the fez-festooned members held a 
men-only fundraiser for sick children that featured nude 
dancers and public sex acts. The controversy erupted 
following newspaper reports that a "Gentlemen's Dinner" 
fundraiser, organized by the Shriners' motor patrol unit, 
included two nude dancers who climbed on top of a banquet 
table where several men touched and engaged in oral sex with 
them in front of hundreds of male guests...

... I guess that can't be described as "feeding the hungry..."

FINALLY...
You'll be happy to know that we got our financing for the 
movie "BachelorMan" yesterday. I had this HUGE check in my 
hand (largest amount of money I've ever held) and I really 
wanted to impress the tellers at my bank, so I go in there 
dressed in shorts and black sunglasses. There's six tellers 
and five of them are female, so I'm thinking, 'great - one 
of these chicks is really gonna be looking me over after she 
sees the amount of this check I'm depositing...' So, of 
course, my turn comes and it's the window with the guy. 
DAMN! Anyway, we got our money and we're going to make a 
great film. Wish me luck. - Rodney Lee rposter at aol.com
http://www.comedyontap.com/film/bachelorman/bachelor.html



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