[ot][spam][wrong] karl's attempt to go outdoors or change his name
I'm currently sitting in an area outdoors with mosquitos. I don't know how to stay outdoors reliably without either (a) a break from the mosquitos or (b) willpower to influence my psychological and behavioral histamine response. If I light a fire or candles that are smoky enough, the mosquitos will go away. I'm not sure how to do that at this time. They are also less prevalent in sunny, windy, or dry areas. But they can still be around a little bit.
I am attempting to gather tinder to kindle a smoky fire. It becomes hard for me to guide my body when I leave a single spot, so i'll be entering a state of mind where I dissociate and engage forceful effort, to do the tinder gathering, as I explore looking for good possible things for tinder.
Noting that mosquitos are far less irritating when doing something. I think about them less, which is very different.
My water bottle is empty and I would like to fill it before trying to start a fire, after gathering some tinder. When very confused, it is much easier to make a smoky fire that is very hot, and that dehydrates one if near.
I thank the universe for the aid I experience. I am having trouble directing my body, but I am able to refrain from going indoors for now. I have been engaging this for many years now, for very long times, so it's mostly something i'll be hoping to guide over the upcoming days. When I ask the mysteries for help, often it helps just the surface symptom of my issue. Outdoors, I need deeper healing a little, because things take lifestyles rather than quick behaviors.
[spam] I'm presently looking for a dead evergeen branch hanging in the air. These are easy ways in evergeen woods to find a lot of small kindling at once: all the branching twigs. I'm probably expecting this to be easy because this is an evergreen woods.
119 The reason I am looking for a dead branch hanging in the air, is because there has been a recent rainstorm. The branches in the air are dryer. 120 I do not want to go inside to find tinder. This is the first time I have been able to get outside in many days.
I'm having trouble controlling my body and am worried I may go indoors. I usually stay indoors for a couple weeks, when I do. I have a few little twigs in my hand to remind me to gather more tinder. I would like to have to use forceful effort and changing dissociation less, right now, to protect part of my mind. I'm just standing here, a little confused, as often goes. I have yet to get inside my sleeping bag successfully this week or two. It would be good to gather more tinder.
I am pressing out another post, unsure what else to do. I would like to post again after this, quite soon.
I have an issue where, when I make fires, I do this: - I put wet wood in, and do not remove it when begins stifling the fire - I put small, easy to burn things on top, and larger, harder to burn things on bottom. (Fire goes upward) The result of these behaviors is that it is very hard to sustain a hearth. Instead fires burn out quickly, and I end up using up all my tinder as fuel to sustain them. The experience of this failure has many parts, but one is related to impatience and timing. A good hearth fire, everything is done in a planning way, not a responsive way. Impatience doesn't make a sustained fire, while I have these bad habits. I also ignore what the fire needs, instead putting in things that are just barely what it doesn't, with regard to amount of tinder and such. If I want to try again, I would need more tinder. I like how gathering tinder lets me move my body. I get to move my body so rarely.
I have not managed to gather more tinder or relight the fire. I did manage to get in my sleeping bag, which is great. I'm doing much better with the mosquitos. I don't presently have a plan for if they become unbearable: but they aren't becoming this yet. I've been using my cell phone in my sleeping bag, to dissociate from the urge to return indoors. I'm not sure what to do when its battery runs out, as I'm not building habits of doing other things. If this is how I'm going to stay outside, I'll need to charge it. I have a truck that has a charging cable in it (and electricity). It is very psychologically hard for me to (a) stand up when in a resting pose, and for me to (b) physically enter the back of my truck where all the things are.
I did manage to get in my sleeping bag, which is great. I'm doing much better with the mosquitos. I don't presently have a plan for if they become unbearable: but they aren't becoming this yet.
Parallel issue: the foot of my sleeping bag appears soaked. Its very warm today but this could get me pretty cold during the night. The simplest solution to this is to put one or two "hot hands" heat pads into it, emergency consumables that make things super hot for many hours. I have some indoors, so I'd need to prepare behaviors for leaving after entering, which just takes some psychological stuff. That's for tonight. A better, more long term, solution would be to tie my tarp up so it keeps it dry. I'd need rope for that and I think I have some in my truck. An even better solution is to build a shelter. I'd also like to set up for living in the back of my truck, which I've been somewhat set up for in the past.
I got the "hot hands" . If I can wake up at night if I get cold, and not dissociate so badly that I don't notice my body breaking the way victims of severe torture sometimes do, then these will prevent frostbite!
I'm in my truck. My cell phone is plugged in now, likely charging a little. I'm noting that there is an electrical problem with the light that should be easy for me to fix, here. I've been planning to address it for quite some time. It's a good investment because then I can work on making it livable at night much more conveniently. My goal is to find my box containing rope. There's a small chance it's indoors, but I expect it to be out here. My expectations are often wrong due to shifting my mind around all the time to get things done, and bursts of amnesia I have. I expect it's been a number of months since I've looked at this box. [spam]?
I visually found the box maybe 10 feet away from me. I'm sitting, I don't immediately remember why, so I have to do the psychological things to stand up again.
I'm really happy that I feel like I can stay outside for a bit, and I got my rope (there was a 2nd rope in my rope box I couldn't see until after I got a rope outside the rope box and decided to use that one), and I got into my sleeping bag, and I got the hot hands, and I lit a fire even though I needed tinder. I also emptied a very bulky water container earlier, which I'd been planning to empty for weeks. I'm just standing here being happy. I'm not sure what to do, and it's take psychological tricks to use my inner judgement, so I'm just enjoying that I can stand here without having an urge to go indoors. [spam]?
I slept in my sleeping bag last night !!! :-D 6 more nights to relearn the behavior.
I'm pretty confused and posting is getting harder. I lit a better fire, but didn't collect more fuel when needed. One approach is gathering more in advance. My cellphone will run out of electricity soon. I could charge it in the truck, but I want to cover the foot of my bedding before I do that, for when I dissociate in the truck bed for an unknown amount of time, in case it rains.
The current longer term status report is that it is looking likely that I will want to change my name to Victim of Undiscussed Horrific Abuse due to my inability to stay outdoors, but also looking likely that I will be unable to do that. The hope is that we can prove I am not a victim, by letting me live outdoors. Where "we" is my brain and I.
242p Let's cover the foot of the bedding up. The urge to do this isn't creating behavior.
So, I actually have a blanket out here, other than the outdoors sleeping gear. An indoors blanket. I think of it as a cotton blanket, although it is actually stuffed polyester, because I can tell that when it gets wet it will get very cold, the way cotton does. It is the part of the bedding that is now exposed.
I've mismanaged my bedding and need to change that. I have the hot hands to prevent injury. I did not need to use them last night. In addition to the foot of the bedding being wet, two of the strips of bark tying my wool blanket to my tarp have broken, leaving the two disconnected. And while we're mentioning it, my tarp is full of holes. But I covered the foot of my bed, meeting my request. It would be more responsible, now that I see how wet it is, to remove it and hang it to dry. This would mean also removing the rest of the bedding, which will take more of the kind and mysterious behavior authorization.
It is technically possible to remove the indoor blanket without removing the outdoor gear, if the outdoor gear is left in a random mess by being ignored when the indoor blanket was pulled out from among it. The random mess would not have the tarp over it to prevent rain. The tarp works, despite its holes, because the wool blanket I have tied to it with bark guides the water to the edges with its capillary action.
In truck. Charging phone. Bed not addressed. Phone is relief because can use technology addiction to stay outdoors a little. Joke about wireheads and augmentations in future. Truck looks like many areas held with high value by people in situations like mine: unimaginable mess.
It's 6:58pm and things are looking up. [spam][tag added during editing afterwards] I eventually ended up zoned out on my truck bed, watching iZombie for the first time. Awesome show I am totally the main character omg. Except for the young woman doctor thing. Not a young woman doctor, myself. And only about half of the tv tropes seem analogously real. I saw the show title for a while but was scared kinda to watch it. I think everything's about me cause I can barely think about stuff on my own and look for ways to, and other reasons. I was looking for something where zombiecyborgs were just hanging out. Brains are delicious. They damped down the mind control to visions, but it gave them an opportunity to include vivid personality shifting which is cool. Anyway that convinced my mind to relax enough that i'm feeling super confident about being able to sleep outside tonight!
my tarp is full of holes.
Gave a hole-free type of cover away once, at least 10m x 10m, said he would definitely use it, dumbfuck and his hot wife binned it unused without bothering to return it. Now neither of us have cover on hand to give you or the 50 people it could have covered from rain. It may have been too heavy to use as parachute[s] to drop internet into Cuba, you would have to explore cost of such rocket motors per mass lofted, etc. The lorry took it to the fill, so it's damaged and dirty and buried now. But like the Bitcoin hard drive, maybe someone will like to dig it up to recycle, sell, or museum it, or not. That is one [ot][spam] story of covers.
On Wed, Aug 25, 2021, 8:13 PM grarpamp <grarpamp@gmail.com> wrote:
my tarp is full of holes.
Gave a hole-free type of cover away once, at least 10m x 10m, said he would definitely use it, dumbfuck and his hot wife binned it unused without bothering to return it. Now neither of us have cover on hand to give you or the 50 people it could have covered from rain. It may have been too heavy to use as parachute[s] to drop internet into Cuba, you would have to explore cost of such rocket motors per mass lofted, etc. The lorry took it to the fill, so it's damaged and dirty and buried now. But like the Bitcoin hard drive, maybe someone will like to dig it up to recycle, sell, or museum it, or not. That is one [ot][spam] story of covers.
:-) You are kind. I'm surprised that people are reading my thread. Even if there is sometimes spam, I think of the posters here as productive & busy developers in need of relevant, nonweird things. I have another psychological thing around the tarp, or i'd buy another, build a shelter, keep it undamaged etc, and sleep in my enclosed truck sometimes. I could at least put duct tape on the holes. That'd be responsible.
2nd morning outdoors ! The goal this morning is to hang my bedding to dry. To take it all out, see what's wet, and dry it. Phone has 4% battery so let's do this quick!
In truck. Phone charging. Setting up laptop! The big concern today is taking the bedding down. When I have more trouble controlling my body it could be harder to put my bed back together. Seems promising atm. Would also like to: - fix light in truck - lay cardboard out in sun to dry - call therapist intake - organise truck power system so solar can provide for everything when not driving - set up truck again for living in
Ask I get better at living outdoors again, I may get inspired and ask for other things that are not very related. Such as organizing my truck to travel, or having an airgapped PGP private key. I am only asking to live outdoors with this thread[s]. But I think anybody can tell you that we pretty badly need other stuff like those two things, too.
I've been pretty crazy the past two days. I'm in my truck right now and itjust started raining. It hasn't been 7 days yet, although I'm not sure how many it's been. I WANT TO GET WET IN THE RAIN. I DO NOT WANT TO SLEEP INDOORS.
MY NAME IS STILL VICTIM OF HORIFFIC UNDISCUSSED ABUSE UNLESS I CAN GET WET IN THE RAIN
I'm struggling. I'm experiencing desires and plans to go indoors again. Not with reasons or feelings. It's just all there is, like there's nothing else to do.
It's the 29th and the first email was on the 24th. So in two more days, it would be 7. But what i'm trying to do is return to my normal, where outdoors is home base, not set some arbitrary goal. The plan for going indoors is to lay on a warm surface and writhe like i'm having a seizure. I have a way of dissociating and relaxing kind of. This would work fine outdoors. I have an outdoor warm area. I also have warm clothes.
I got a warm coat from my truck, but I haven't put it on. It seems too warm. Considering changing name instead of staying outdoors. Scary and hard, but not that hard I guess. As I stay outdoors in this resistance-way longer it gets harder to consider changing my name. It's notable that there are a _lot_ of victims of undiscussed horrific abuse. But some of them get to change their names to it.
I also haven't started a fire. I would like to take my warm coat and another wool item and lay down outdoors to do the writhing thing or whatnot.
All things together it looks most likely that I go indoors and don't change my name. So I often consider changing it while I am still outdoors. Makes some loops in the head.
Thinking of email signatures ... Idea: (note the information I have is not the silly stuff I post to the list) ---- I have information on criminal operations but was abused giving me dissociative flashbacks when I try to convey it to authorities. Similarly, I avoid therapists who could help me. When I am hospitalized, there is no therapist, nobody to talk to about these things. Please, talk with me about what I experienced. If I don't respond with excitement and keep talking with you until we reach authorities, then either out communications are being intercepted or I am having another dissociative flashback.
Yay still outdoors. Burnt fire for 2-3 times as long as usual. Still failed to get up to gather more wood to keep it alive.
I didn't use a fire before. I adopted the fire as something to focus on. It's 814 pm. I'm scared, imagining going inside and not coming out again, very scared of this. I can feel the motion like pressure on my body.
It's the night of 9/1, the morning of 9/2, 5:17a and I've been indoors for some hours. I came indoors at night some days ago panicing from a bell's palsy issue. My eye hurt; it got better. Tonight I came in from the rain. My sleeping bag was getting pretty wet. I wasn't managing it well, and I was frustrated with the difficulties controlling my body without a light to see by or a way to keep my things dry. Situation could be eased enough by setting up a raised tarp or clearing the truck out enough to lay down. Right now, it seems over time to go outdoors. The rain has stopped for some time. I can be in my truck, or wear warm thick wool, to be outdoors in the dark wet that is soon to be morning if not already. My resistance parts are exhausted. Really exhausted. 5:21
Asking to go outdoors without threats. Hoping the be able to grow behaviors that send me outdoors. Please asking this. Can threaten after some more time recuperating. Pressing outdoors in emergency manner has been very hard and spent a lot of time doing very little. Mind is left with more bits that don't respond. We believe some of these bits can regrow with time and some ease.
I am now outdoors in my truck. A small blanket is laid down for ease. I still need to: - put on my outdoor wool pants - collect my rained-on bedding to dry Also have: - possibly mention behavior-part issues: [we aren't developing results from what we consider. We really need to gently work on that with result. Somebody also mentioned an in-brain mitm possibly from misbehaving brain parts.] But not if not good to.
‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ Original Message ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ On Tuesday, August 24th, 2021 at 10:07 AM, Karl <gmkarl@gmail.com> wrote:
I'm currently sitting in an area outdoors with mosquitos.
I don't know how to stay outdoors reliably without either (a) a break from the mosquitos or (b) willpower to influence my psychological and behavioral histamine response.
hey Karl, i am traveling, so this is not signed - but the following advice for bugs: - citronella candles for general deterrence. - DEET spray or lotion for personal protection. regarding allergies, i usually have to wear a mask outdoors now, my allergies have gotten so bad. :/ the good news is that N95 masks work to filter out all airborne allergens. if i don't wear one, a few hours outdoors and i get feverish, start to have trouble breathing (head&chest inflammation) like your mosquitos, i tune out the mask when focusing on other things. good luck! enjoy nature :)
On Tue, Aug 24, 2021, 2:28 PM coderman <coderman@protonmail.com> wrote:
‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ Original Message ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ On Tuesday, August 24th, 2021 at 10:07 AM, Karl <gmkarl@gmail.com> wrote:
I'm currently sitting in an area outdoors with mosquitos.
I don't know how to stay outdoors reliably without either (a) a break from the mosquitos or (b) willpower to influence my psychological and behavioral histamine response.
hey Karl,
i am traveling, so this is not signed - but the following advice for bugs: - citronella candles for general deterrence. - DEET spray or lotion for personal protection.
I have 3 citronella candles and I am aware of wild herbs that can be used to make more. regarding allergies, i usually have to wear a mask outdoors now, my
allergies have gotten so bad. :/
Sounds similar to mosquitos, am I off base? the good news is that N95 masks work to filter out all airborne allergens.
if i don't wear one, a few hours outdoors and i get feverish, start to have trouble breathing (head&chest inflammation)
Some people get so sensitized this even happens in damp buildings and stuff. It seems important to learn how what changes it. Honestly I wish I had the freedom to suffer outdoors. like your mosquitos, i tune out the mask when focusing on other things.
Luckily I have clothes I can rip if I need a mask. good luck! enjoy nature :)
:P Thanks. Hope you're doing something you enjoy.
On Tuesday, August 24, 2021, 11:28:50 AM PDT, coderman <coderman@protonmail.com> wrote: ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ Original Message ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ On Tuesday, August 24th, 2021 at 10:07 AM, Karl <gmkarl@gmail.com> wrote: > I'm currently sitting in an area outdoors with mosquitos. > > I don't know how to stay outdoors reliably without either (a) a break from the mosquitos or (b) willpower to influence my psychological and behavioral histamine response. >hey Karl, >i am traveling, so this is not signed - but the following advice for bugs: - citronella candles for general deterrence. - DEET spray or lotion for personal protection. There was, presumably still is, a product called "Skin So Soft", which while not originally intended as a bug repellent, did so famously. Best Mosquito Repellent & Anti-Itch Spray For You & The Family by AVON >regarding allergies, i usually have to wear a mask outdoors now, my allergies have gotten so bad. :/ | | | | Best Mosquito Repellent & Anti-Itch Spray For You & The Family by AVON The Avon Company Discover AVON's best insect repellent for you and the family. From lotions that protect against mosquitoes that ... | | | I had terrible hay fever until 1980, when I moved to Oregon. Went away for 30 years, returned in 2010. I very much like and use both Cetirizine (generic Zyrtec), which can be had for about 4 cents per pill on Amazon. I currently use Fexofenadine, because I bought many dozen bottles of 90, for $1 each many months ago. It also works well. I generally take 4 pills in the morning of these anti-allergy medicines. Fexofenadine Common brands: Aller-ease, Aller-Fex, Wal-Fex Allergy Description AntihistamineIt can treat hay fever symptoms. It can also treat chronic skin hives and itching.Brands: Aller-ease, Aller-Fex, Wal-Fex Allergy, Allergy Relief (fexofenadine), Allegra Allergy, Children's Wal-Fex, Children's Allergy Relief(fex), and Children's Allegra AllergyAvailability: Prescription sometimes neededPregnancy: Consult a doctorAlcohol: Avoid. Very serious interactions can occurDrug class: 2nd generation histamine h1 antagonist
Further thoughts: - i have seen benadryl-based antihystamines powerfully repurposed between internal and external uses with great success in emergencies. - I have seen people crippled by allergies to things that are absolutely everywhere, and driven homeless, injured, and insane by this. - I have always been able to manage my allergies with careful and gentle management of exposure and willpower, to make them go away. Including poison ivy. I have not met many other people to say this. I also observe our medical culture to discourage trying it. I am not myself interested in protective chemicals -- I would rather have the freedom to pursue gentle exposure, when the situation is not dangerous. - I am not asking others to go outdoors, or expose themselves to unpleasant things.
participants (5)
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coderman -
grarpamp -
jim bell -
Karl -
Karl Semich