There's something wrong when...Shitty Laws!

bureau42 Anonymous Remailer remailer at
Tue Aug 26 07:11:10 PDT 1997

  I think I first realized just how much Tim May's .sig lines are a
genuine harbinger of the future when I arrived at to
find that there are "Compost Standards in Canada," as explained by
The Composting Council of Canada.

  In short, if I wanted to stack some turds on top of each other, then
I had to keep in mind that:
"In Canada, three organizations are responsible for the development of 
standards and regulations for compost and composting: Agriculture and 
Agri-Food Canada (AAFC), the provincial and territorial governments, 
and the Standards Council of Canada (SCC) (through the Bureau de 
normalisation du Québec (BNQ)). This collective responsibility reflects 
government regulatory requirements (of both the AAFC and the provinces 
and territories) as well as voluntary industry initiatives (BNQ)."
 { The word "voluntary" was in _bold_ print! (Mandatory-Voluntary?) }

When I first got the urge to phone these people up and scream, "YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT _SHIT_, FOR SHIT'S SAKE!"	was when I read that,
"All compost that is sold in Canada must comply with the requirements 
of the Fertilizers Act. This includes provisions for product safety, 
benefit claims and labeling."

  Product safety? (Turds are dangerous? You can 'slip' on them?)
  Benefit claims? (You mean turds _don't_ cure cancer?)
  Labeling? (It's SHIT! It's hard to fool people about that.)

  I found out I could avoid fines and imprisonment by reading, 
"...a National Standard of Canada entitled: 'Organic Soil Conditioners -
Composts (BNQ); Guidelines for Compost Quality (CCME); and future 
amendments to the Fertilizers Act and Regulations (AAFC).'"

  "Future amendments?"
  I had to worry about past turds coming back to haunt me, if the laws
should change in the future?

  I was consoled by the fact that these requirements were in the best
interests of the different organizations involved, and to ensure that
all of the turds in Canada are "consistent."
"These provide for a significant level of national consistency by 
containing virtually identical technical requirements while ensuring 
that the mandates and interests of the different organizations are

  My consolation was short-lived, however, as I soon found out that if
I didn't understand the proper turd linguistics involved, I could still
be in big trouble:
"Definition of Compost"
"'Composting' and 'compost' are two distinct terms. The former refers 
to the bio-oxidation process and the latter refers to the resulting 
product: stabilized organic matter."
"As agreed upon by the CCME, BNQ and AAFC, compost is:
     'A solid mature product resulting from composting, which is a 
      managed process of bio-oxidation of a solid heterogeneous organic 
      substrate including a thermophilic phase.'"

  Then, of course, to remain free from fine and imprisonment, I had to 
be aware of the:
Classification of Compost
  according to:
BNQ Standards
CCME Guidelines
AAFC Regulations

  As well as keeping in mind:
"The Four Criteria: Maturity, Foreign Matter, Trace Elements and 
  Maturity? (You can 'molest' a turd? I could be a 'turdophile'?)
  Foreign Matter? (Hey! There's a turd in your turd!)
  Trace Elements? (I have to give the turds multi-vitamins if they
                   don't measure up?)
  Pathogens? (They mention checking for "sharp objects" in it. If it
              is a 'long' sharp object, is it illegal to carry the turd
              in California?)

  After memorizing the Fertilizer Act and all other regulations and
legislation involved, I piled some turds in my yard, next to the
  It was a week later, when I began to follow the instructions to
turn it over and mix it up that I was arrested for "being involved
in 'bad shit'."
The worst part is that because I was turning it over and stirring it
when arrested, I will get an "extra five years" for "use of encryption
in the commision of a composting crime."


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