[ot][spam][crazy][personal] trying to do things
0441 there's a strangeness in the email I sent with a chart, the top y coordinate is 16 rather than 17. I think maybe the first datapoint is unshown due to an error. it's hard to address. it's so hard, it seems more important to just try to do stuff in general.
0442 trying to do stuff is hard for me. it triggers harsh dyskinesia and tactile hallucinations. my muscles clench and move me away from the task, the harder I try. I have a lot of those strangely-interwound behaviors, where doing one thing causes something else, inside me. one doctor said neurological damage could cause this, after measuring some of my nerves. I know my brain can rewire things. it's unfortunate i'm doing this in a way counter to my goals.
0444 ET the wim hof showers, which i'm still doing 1/day, or _so_ empowering here. once I practiced engaging how to handle my willpower issues gently, and added doing them every time I ate, with persistence after a few weeks, I seemed to get some regularity. the regularity's not certain. yesterday I didn't eat until the evening, because I would tense up so much, preventing it, when I imagined using it to engage willpower around a routine. still, it's gone so well, that i'm imagining other tasks.
0448 it's somewhat frightening to think of pursuing willpower when yesterday went so poorly. I have appointments today i'd like to make.
0449 usually trying to improve things worsens them for me. but not always, in every way. I spent some time trying to design a machine that would dispense nicotine to me in response to me doing behaviors I chose to reward. the plan was to put it in a steel box so I couldn't reach the nicotine any other way than meeting the behaviors. i'd never tried nicotine before. I bought many parts for the design, and took nicotine to support building it, only when I tried to make progress, but eventually stopped, unfortunately. it seemed like it was fine until I thought something small and specific about it, and then my experiences latched on and every time I did it after that it got much, much harder. it's weird to take nicotine and get _less_ interested in doing it. I felt like I could kind of feel my mind engaging the nicotine feeling to counter the behavior, rather than support it.
0453 I made a chart of that, back then. anyway, with the wim hof showers, i've been thinking on that experience some. for one thing, my mind is pretty different now. that was a number of years, psychotic breaks, hospitalizations, etc out there. when you take meds or have a psychotic break, either of these can change your brain in ways that stick, in my experience. what goes on changes. but powerful patterns can change pretty slowly while delicate patterns can be pretty vulnerable, which is sad often. anyway, with the wim hof showers, I try to not think that thing that inhibited the nicotine machine, and I try to be gentle with similar thoughts. I kind of navigate my experience as I do it. the inexactness of the online logging might be helping me some. my inhibitions didn't like precise measurement, maybe because I imagined it giving me more ways to resist them. similarly, sharing these things in public, the inhibitions get "stage fright" kind of, and are less active, change less wildly ... often I try to develop confidence by doing or saying the opposite of what the inhibitions in me want, like some of the content in the mind control stories. but I try to do that less, or at least much less pointedly, around this task, to help it succeed ...
0515 my phone had broken, then mysteriously charged again for some time. it's now no longer charging yet again this morning, might relate to humidity the day prior, unsure. but it's at 2% and is my present way to access email, so i'll be back when my internet addiction rears its head again.
0704: I'm online again, thanks to the power of an internet addiction. When a usb connection breaks a certain way some devices have behavior that can help you figure out what kind of break the spot you're wiggling the connector in engages.
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Undiscussed Horrific Abuse, One Victim of Many