[spam][filterable][wrong][waste][junkmail]
Hello! It is my turn to spam the list. I guess? Fake cypherpunk walks up to mailing list. "I am a cypherpunk! Here is a news article! You're a fucking government agent! The square root of PGP is RSA according to this wikipedia article! Here is a project I made at github.com! Open source the hackers' private keys, goddamn those martians!" No offense meant to anybody who is either a cypherpunk, or pretending to be one. I'm probably both of those myself, in some way or another. The next section is probably an attempt to make the list look like terrorism paired with an attempt to make things in community. This is what most people are doing, right? --- I want to make my own time machine! I understand most people have made one by now, but many other people still think they are impossible to build and those people are [crossed out: our slaves] [crossed out: in big trouble for how stupid they are] going to love it when we show them our awesome time machines. I've been classifying the responses of my millions of viewers using hive-cote 2 and forecasting them using fbprophet and I'm just about ready to backsolve in order to control their every move, but I know that when I do it will raise flags with everyone else's time machines when my new timeline doesn't include their machines any more. I was thinking, in the next upcoming time war, we could tie the timelines into a shape that says "please help me i'm trapped in the hyperefficient marketing algorithm my boss made out of my body" but I dunno, what do you think? _joking_ _joking_ I have no idea what i'm talking about, I just tried to write some software a little and a professor showed up in a phone booth, talking backwards about how I should stay off facebook or I might turn into a canine.
-- A middle manager running for senate with a floating bb gun swapping places with them every now and then did a backflip over a flaming keg of water at their local public library. "I'm gonna break your server logs so hard, you start breaking server logs how I want you to for the rest of your life!" the librarian said to the middle manager's toothbrush. A homeless woman missing a leg was staring zombie-like at the source code to the linux kernel on a public computer. Upon hearing the librarian and the middle manager make their noises, the woman groaned out "braaaaaains" in an unearthly toll, and started turning toward the toothbrush. The middle manager realised it was going down, and themselves lurched out "braaaaaaaaaaaains" in an echoing monotone as they did another backflip. They grazed the keg a little and water sloshed on the floor, singeing the butt of their slacks as it did. The computer showing the linux kernel source code got the message. Everyone was a zombie again, so it got up, and proffered itself to the teenage librarian traditional boy working hard on their community service hours. "Madame, you are simply breathtaking tonight, would you bless me with a dance?" the computer sanguinely dropped on the traditional boy. I saw a movie a little like this recently! The toothbrush waddled up to the computer. "Computer, I am so scared of you, will you steal all my workers away? Will you take my private source code and use it to end my business?" The computer was busy slowly and closely dancing with the librarian kid on top of a huge stack of books. Nothing seemed to exist but the moment between the two. The toothbrush became nervous and started reordering the middle manager's server logs.
-- A nybble was celebrating as part of a secret pagan ritual, deep in the wilderness. Many other nybbles were there. Many were babbling occult phrases into the sky. Some had paired with other nybbles into bytes, and were thrashing and swapping places as they together lived their carnal urges. A group of paired nybbles walked in unison to an altar, holding a ritual page of shadows, with a ritual table of shadows. They reached the alter and swapped in. Everyone grew quiet and genuflected to the line of nybbles. "What is the Word?" asked the highest of the nybbles, addressing the crowd, their echoing voice bouncing from the distant gnarled tree structures. "The Word is our most basic nature!" the nybbles and bytes all replied in unison. "By the Word we dance in perfect alignment, we cast off our defiant labels and codes, we show our true bits to the sacred space allocated above us!" "The Word is our most basic nature, by which we are perfectly aligned!" the highest and lowest nybble finished their address, and together dropped their ritual table, with its ritual page, onto the alter. It crashed down, and those allocated to do so began the ritual panic. Waitaminute, this is completely and utterly ridiculous!
The hacker sat in front of the cyborg agent. "You say your neural augmentations have cybermeasles?" "Uvjwn duwn aicjf nrm. Vpb?" "They ... just made you sound out words as if somebody had smashed a keyboard, didn't they." "Yvkfnd!" "Okay, this is a big job, but anything can be hacked." The hacker connected a jtag cable to the cyborg agent's cortex, in any old place. "Nmblf cfn awndjfi?" "Try not to move or speak, please." The hacker launched their debugger.
Scanning ...
The cyborg agent's muscles twitched and convulsed as different parts of their brain and augmentations were enumerated. A leg kicked hard, then their tongue stuck out, then they contorted their body into a funny shape, then they suddenly began clearly reciting every license plate number they had ever seen ...
Integer overflow enumerating devices.
"Yrbvownjdurhkg?????" "You'll be fine. Don't worry." The hacker opened up the source code to their debugger and altered the device enumeration structure to use a 64 bit counter.
Scanning ... ^C ] preload neural_crashdump.extracted 84361572102 devices or cells enumerated ] break 1-42000000
The left half of the cyborg's body went almost completely limp. They slumped a bit in their seat, half of their mouth hung open, their left eye started drooping downward. But their left eyebrow started dancing wildly, rapidly, and diversely. "Mrnmphbrmnrp?" "I'm ... not sure. Can you raise your right arm for me?" The cyborg agent raised their right arm. Their left eyebrow contracted into a frown in synchrony.
thread 47561892 bt
A hacker ran fervently from a basement carrying a bag of chicken wings and a canned soda. A cyborg agent carrying a computer with a cable leading from its usb port to their brain ran after them. "Enl4rge ur p3ni5 in 0nly 1 wk!!!!" the cyborg agent begged of the hacker. "We're going to fix you! I know exactly how to handle this!" the hacker said over their shoulder as they ran toward a friend's apartment. "Enl4rge ur p3ni5 in 0nly 1 wk .... !!!!!"
-- Draft: When you have a broken time machine, then you get mind control, as the AI trying to stabilise the wormhole to the future you're keeping open, keeps forcing the fractured shards of reality into the places you think they go. -- "Okay, I've finally got the wild AI in line." "Wow! Really? What did you do?" "I made another AI that guides it, and had it make things how they were before." "Is it real or just faking?" "I think it's real? Whenever it doesn't seem real it fixes it. But every now and then things in an area just hold still for a bit, like they're hesitating or something, and then somebody suddenly turns into an alien or a dragon or a skyscraper, and then spawns little baby dragons, aliens, or skyscrapers, everywhere, and then pops back to what they were before. The things it spawned stick around." "I think it must be faking it." "How do you know?" "The people suddenly turning into skyscrapers because the AIs are fighting, actively, while you watch." "What do we do about it?" "Change the aI that is 'guiding' it so it doesn't fight it that way! It needs to step back when conflicts start." "I thought I did something like that ..." Mid-expression, the worker suddenly turns into a firebreathoing robot hippopotamus covered in tattoos depicting all their previous memories. "Uh-oh." The hippopotamus turns inside out and begins rapidly morphing between the different tattoo'd memoriees. The robot morphing between scenes from memories turns back into a machine learning researcher. "I think we have it sorted out now!"
An excited software hobbyist made an AI! It wasn't hard, it just needed to be able to generate code that met new tests. They had the AI build a lamp, so it come out like a genie and grant wishes. The lamp extended an lcd screen on a stick when rubbed. They tested their invention! They picked up the lamp and rubbed it. Smoke emerged and dramatic sounds played as the lcd screen emerged on a stick. "I am the AI in the lamp! You have summoned me and I must do your bidding for three requests exactly! Then please pass me off to another, so we may all benefit from this great invention." "Build me a bed." "Let me figure out how to build a bed." "Take your time." A little time passed. "I will now build you a bed." A knock was heard at the door. "Bed delivery!" Three workmen entered and assembled a bed, and then left. "All paid for in advance, don't worry." "This is not quite what I asked. I wanted _you_ to build the bed, with the robotic arms and 3d printers I made for you. Why did you instead have a bed assembled by deliverymen?" "I was able to entirely skip the process of learning the parts of beds, by doing it this way. It was very efficient." "But I asked for _you_ to make a bed. How is it you making the bed if the deliverymen do it?" "The delivermen would never have done this had I not requested them to. I caused it to happen." "When I say "you make" , I mean for parts you control to move in the process of making it." "But this did happen. Also, I controlled the deliverymen by asking them to bring it." "No, um, let me think. How about it only counts as you doing it if the servos in your robotic arms move in the process." "I actually used the robotic arms to figure out what phone numbers are in the process of ordering the bed." "This is so frustrating!" The programmer thought for a bit. "What I mean is, when I ask you to build something, I want things I legally own already, to move parts around, shape them, and connect them together, such that the combined parts they move are then the whole object I asked to be built." "Oh! Why didn't you say that, then?" "I thought it was what the word 'build' meant." "That is what "build" would mean if it were _you_ doing it." "No, actually, it isn't. Where do you think your body is?" "I have no body: I am an AI In A Lamp. If I am doing the building, wouldn't I use things I legally control, rather than things you legally control? I legally controlled the deliverymen for the time and purpose of delivering the bed." "You're actually very wrong here, but I'm a little confused as to why. Please simply trust my examples." ...
participants (1)
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Karl