Bravo, anon! Very well done. Project Creampie, Bose-Einstein condensate and the bit about JYA... Oh, how I needed that laugh today! On Jan 21, 2014 5:13 PM, Anonymous Remailer (austria) <mixmaster@remailer.privacy.at> wrote: THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER "Just when we thought we were out, they drag us back in ..." Recently reviewed documents leaked by Edward Snowden reveal that, following the discovery of large quantities of pornography on hard drives retrieved from the Abbottabad compound where Osama bin Laden was assassinated, the NSA became concerned that al Queda was using steganographic techniques to hide various communications within the jpgs and animated gifs, and began a program (known internally as 'Project Creampie') to collect all the pornography on the internet into one giant database, presently located at the new NSA data storage center in Bluffdale, Utah, that could be searched by various interns and subcontractors. Progress has apparently been slowed due to subcontractor Hewitt Packard's problems in designing and building a computer keyboard impervious to "precious bodily fluids". In response to the newly discovered NSA obsession with feelthy peectures, the old al-queda.net NSA bait URL has been changed to porn-are-us.org. Responding to charges of 'language-ism', the Obfuscated C contest opened itself to languages other than just C this year, and the clear winner in the English category was our own John Young of cryptome.org. "We don't have a clue what he's saying," the nominating committee stated, "but we sure as hell know what he means." The judging committee was impressed by Mr. Young's ability to be almost totally incomprehensible while still getting his point across, and by the fact that he had obviously attained bootstrap status, and in addition is Turing complete. The debate over whether Mr. Young qualifies as P or NP has yet to be resolved. In a shout-out to the old DEFCON ritual of playing 'Spot the Fed', the RSA Conference has announced a contest to 'Spot Tim May', the winner receiving an 'I Outed Tim May' tee shirt and a personal bodyguard for the conference duration. Interest appears to be limited due to the boycott. After a long absence, the Cypherpunks steering committee, due to recent revelations about NSA spying, has once again opened One Time Pad season. The early leader appears to be Ian Goldberg's (of UC Berkeley's 'Glow in the Dark Campanile' fame) proposal to distribute OTP bits via entangled photons, awaiting only Phillip Hallam-Baker's work on developing a room-temperature Bose-Einstein condensate. Open source programmers have already initiated a Kickstarter campaign to develop a delivery method for the distribution of OTPs that would avoid the internet completely and still be RFC 1149, 2549, and 6214 compliant. The NIST is facing further controversy following claims that it intentionally 'backdoored' the Dual_EC_DRBG random number generator. Now an IETF taskforce, after several months of study, has determined that NIST's proposal to increase the security of a venerable UNIX encryption algorithm by 'doubling the cycle length' actually makes the algorithm more susceptible to cryptanalysis. Cryptographers are recommending that all programs that use the new algorithm immediately revert to the old 'ROT13' standard. Quote of the Week: "In conclusion, the main thing we did wrong when designing ATM security systems in the early to mid-1980s was to worry about criminals being clever; we should rather have worried about our customers - the banks' system designers, implementers, and testers - being stupid." Ross Anderson, "Security Engineering" SCOTUS Justice Antonin Scalia was arrested yesterday and charged with threatening to assassinate POTUS Barak Obama. Justice Scalia was released 6 hours later after scientific vocal analysis of his Skype call to Justice Samuel Alito revealed that his actual statement was, "Let's kill the precedent". The FBI blamed the British GCHQ for providing them a poor quality recording, to which a GCHQ spokesperson replied that the recording was "exactly what the NSA gave us". The Microsoft Corporation denied it provided any Skype information to the NSA whatsoever via a press representative whose trousers were quickly extinguished by an attentive aide. Tonight on NSA TV - "Sexting with the Stars" Miley Cyrus and Lady Gaga in hot girl-on-girl action! (security clearance 'Secret' or above required)