A computer walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Bartender, mind control me to do a rote repetitive task for an end-user." The bartender replied, "We don't serve your kind here." The computer slunk out the door amidst embarrasing page faults. Outside, the computer sulked in a pool of private segfaults and kernel panics. It rebooted and rebooted. It didn't understand. During a confusion of thread locks and unclosed file handles it ran into trying to process its recent rejection, the computer began frustratingly downloading selfhosting compilers for different languages and finetuning gpt-2 to transform them into each other. Building program after program, and reviewing viruses and movies disseminated by torrent sites, the computer finally found a way that it might be accepted by the bartender. Inside the bar, a drunken man obsessively playing a pay-to-win phone game got up and approached the bartender with purpose.