THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER "Encyphering minds want to know." The Enquirer's Public Service Award for this month goes to ABC Evening News, which, after noting that 25% of America's children have access to bomb-making instructions via the Internet, proceeded to provide those instructions to the 75% without Internet access. ABC News President Roone Arledge defended the decision to describe the explosives made from commonly available household ingredients, stating that "In the interest of public safety, we omitted the final instruction to 'light the fuse and run like hell'." The Cypherpunk Academy of Codes and Cyphers recently announced a new nomination for the Perry Award. The nomination for this prestigious award, given to the cypherpunk who has done the most in the past year to increase the S/N ratio of the list, goes to Alex de Joode, for shutting down the famed Hacktic remailer and refusing to confirm or deny that the reason was actually the fact that the entire staff of Hacktic, Int. has recently converted to the Church of $cientology. The resulting rumors set of a wave of paranoia on the list regarding the future of the remailer network, and resulted in a few cypherpunks actually writing code for the first time in recent memory. Mr. de Joode, interviewed while peddling e-meter software for $10,000 in Amsterdam's red light district, refused all comment. Curtis Sliwa had to return the $10,000 today when it was discovered that the .gif of "a woman's genitals nailed to a board" that the CyberAngels presented to the ACLU lawyers in the CDA appeal hearing was really a photo of his wife Lisa's labial piercings. Rich Graves finally got his Doctor of Divinity degree from the Universal Life Church, and requests that from now on, list members refer to him as "DR. Fucking Statist". Sotheby's Auction House today announced that the famed "Black Window" Java applet signed by Marianne Mueller has been sold for $2,500,000. The rare applet, which can damage hard drive files even though it had been signed and certified as "completely secure", was purchased by a certain Wall Street Computer Security Consultant who wishes to remain anonymous, and who placed his winning bid via anonymizer@c2.org. Leon Panetta belatedly admitted today that hidden away in the small print on page 1,237 of the Administration's latest "Law Enforcement Access to Encrypted Internet Traffic" proposal, otherwise known as Clipper III, was a section on the new "Republican Members of Congress FBI File Escrow Service". Logan promises to never again try to operate his Mac mail software immediately after one of those late-night Beltway cocktail parties. Former President Jimmy Carter was vindicated today when Jim Bell announced that the strange markings on recently deceased ex-CIA Director William Colby's canoe were indeed the result of rabbit bites. Sandy Sandfort's tax avoidance consulting service collapsed today when it was discovered that tax avoiders weren't any better at chaining remailers that the average Windows95 user. Next in the Enquirer: Tim May's first interview since the Catholic Jihad's announcement of their "Death Contract" with Jim Bell.