THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER "Encyphering minds want to know." The Enquirer has strong evidence that a group of well known cypherpunks is using the nym Jim Bell in a conspiracy to wheedle a free legal education out of the Black Unicorn. As one of the anonymous unindicted co-conspirators stated recently on the semi-secret coderpunks mailing list, "If Mr. Bell had not already existed, we probably would have been forced to invent him." Mr. Bell has pleaded innocent to charges that he is assisting the group, stating that his judgement was impaired by the ingestion of large quantities of sugar in the form of Hostess chocolate covered cupcakes, otherwise know as the "Ding Dong Defense". Microsoft announced today that it has achieved B1 Orange Book security on a Windows NT box by encasing the computer in concrete and sinking it to the bottom of the Marianas Trench. C2 security had previously been attained for Windows 95 by adding a warning message that the C2 rating was voided by any use of the I/O bus. In other news, the DoD has announced it is suing c2.org for unauthorized appropriation of the C2 security designation. A DoD spokesperson stated that, "they can use the C2 designation all they want to as long as they don't hook it up to a network." Novell has announced that all future versions of Netware will abandon their proprietary IPX protocol, in favor of IPv6. "That way," claimed a Novell spokesperson, "we won't have to worry about Netware 5.0 for at least a couple of years, and if we still can't get it out in time, we'll just announce that we're waiting for PGP 3.0." Timothy May is spending his recuperative time in the Corralitos General Hospital learning some Spanish. Mr. May suffered a broken nose, a sprained neck, and multiple bruises and contusions in a local Mexican restaurant after a friend jokingly told him that the Spanish translation of "Where's the restroom?" was "Puta tu madre". Perry Metzger announced a new theoretical attack on so-called 'smart card' technology such as the Fortezza card. Using the newly developed Continuous Atomic-Level Asynchronous Magnetic Array Resonance Interferometer, Mr. Metzger speculated that it should be possible to train a school of the little nanotechnological wonders (also affectionately known as "Detweilers" because of their many tentacles) to swim up a PCMCIA port and back out the NSA's secret trap door with code fragments clutched in their suction cups. Raph Levien lost an important court case recently, when a federal judge ruled that his son (born March 17, 1996) will legally be known as Alan Mathison Levien until he's old enough to decide for himself whether he wants to be named after his PGP key fingerprint. Netscape Communications announced today that they were launching a hostile takeover bid of $35/share for Lance Cottrell in order to get his highly coveted export-controlled ftp site technology. Netscape engineers, stymied after a year and a half of effort to code a secure export- controlled ftp site, have hailed the new acquisition. Jeff Weinstein, Electronic Munitions Specialist at Netscape, stated, "Now we'll finally be able to offer the same RC4 128 security to our beta testers as we offer to our regular clients. Non-domestic users, unfortunately, will still have to install it themselves by copying it off the T-shirts." Employees of the FBI have banded together to purchase director Louis Freeh a cowboy belt with his name embossed on the back, so that when the proctologists at Bethesda Naval Hospital finally get his head unstuck, he'll be able to see who he is. After a recent discussion of WWII "codetalkers" on the cypherpunks mailing list, the NSA and DoD have banned Native Americans of Navahoe descent from leaving the country without first filing a CJR. The sale of Internet Security Guaranteed to the Elementrix Corporation for one dollar was cancelled today after San Francisco securities analysts Hambrecht and Quist declared ISG 'overvalued'. CERT has announced the first discovery of a computer 'prion'. The prion, which affects only Microsoft's Explorer web browser, causes the victim's hard drive to slowly fill with holes until his data turns to mush. Bill Gates reportedly started foaming at the mouth when told of the new threat to Internet security, causing Microsoft employees to dub the new affliction "Mad Bill Disease", which resulted in Mr. Gates being banned in Britain. Next in the Enquirer: Direct from the CDA hearings, Marty Rimm and Dorothy Denning demonstrate the "Rimm" job.