(The new issue wasn't supposed to come out for a month or so, but you guys are throwing us WAY too much ammo.) THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER "Encyphering minds want to know." Perry Metzger today resigned from Hillary Clinton's defense team. Spokes- persons for Ms. Clinton refused to comment, but Mr. Metzger's offices did release a statement saying that Mr. Metzger's skills were in the area of debunking conspiracy theorists, and that he had little or no experience in the field of actual conspiracies. Compuserve today restored access priviledges to Dr. Leslie Franklin after receiving written confirmation from two medical doctors that Dr. Franklin is indeed a man. Compuserve, forced to cancel the subscriptions of almost one million female members after complaints from the Saudi Arabian government about unchaperoned conversations between men and women, has stated that in the future, all potential subscribers must supply a semen sample with their subscription request, and that test tubes and .GIFs of Cindy Crawford in skimpy lingerie will be included with a number of major mainstream computer publications in order to facilitate the new requirements. C2.org immediately offered one month's free access to anyone whose application included a PAP smear. The NSA, the CIA, the FBI, and a coalition of 437 other U.S. government agencies today announced that they were dropping their support of the policy of Government Access to (encryption) Keys, commonly known as GAK, in favor of a new policy of Government Access to Everything, or GAE. The new policy, using technology first pioneered by the Prodigy Network and later refined by Microsoft and its Registration Wizard(tm), would require that all new computers include a special government mandated GAE chip which would allow the government to download the entire contents of the computer's hard drive whenever the computer was connected to the Internet or other on- line service. In related news, the Clinton administration, in an unusual display of solidarity with Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole, has announced that a new version of GAK will immediately be presented to the Senate, this time requiring government escrow of all house and automobile keys, and the Dow Chemical Company has received a multi-million dollar contract to develop a new fabric for America's curtains and draperies that would become transparent in the presence of a court order. The Cypherpunk Academy of Codes and Cyphers today announced a new nomination for the Perry Award, given to the cypherpunk who has done the most to improve the S/N ratio of the list. Today's nominee is Dr. Fred Cohen, for not posting anything for the past month. Dr. Cohen joins Alice de 'nominous in contention for the prestigious award, first won by Dr. Jonathon Pierce, personal psychopharmacologist to Larry Detweiler. Consumer's Union reported today that an extensive series of tests, performed over a 3 month period, has determined that owners of high-performance snakes, such as blue racers and black mambas, should use Windows NT encryption and security for lubrication purposes, but that owners of more standard models, such as vipers and constrictors, would see little or no benefit from the use of the more expensive NT product, and would be better served by the use of the less expensive Windows 95. "The truth IS out there - we make sure it STAYS out there." Motto of the Central Intelligence Agency Eric Blossom today announced a new filtered version of cypherpunks, "Cpunks Ultra-lite", that will be limited to messages about cryptography and C and C++ programming, and that will probably average about two messages a month. Due to sagging sales for the second edition of "Applied Cryptography", John Wiley and Sons today announced the publication of an abridged version, "Cryptography for Dummies - The Swimsuit Edition", featuring a centerfold of Elle McPherson in an "RC4 in 3 Lines of Perl" thong bikini. Ms. McPherson was reportedly detained at La Guardia airport while NSA officials searched the ITAR for an excuse to confiscate the garment. Governor Pete Wilson of California today ordered the removal of all computers from public school grades K-12, since it was discovered that 79% of them had been "hacked" to receive Spice and the Playboy channel. Rich Graves was forced to change his signature file today when it was discovered that, due to a rider in the present telecommunications bill passed by the Senate, statists are now required to "set a good example" for America's youth, and are no longer allowed to fuck. Frank Semalo today announced he was suing Compuserve for $99.95 plus tax. Mr. Samalo's complaint stated that, due to the small size of the test tubes provided by the defendants and his inability to print out .GIF files in color, the Compuserve registration process resulted in a ruined keyboard. Anonymous User's claim that the NSA has broken PGP was withdrawn today, when it was discovered that the "break" occurred at a recent Washington, D.C. GAE conference, where a NSA spokesman transferred the popular program to CDROM and attacked it with a sledge hammer. The FBI today released accused serial killer Timothy May from custody and issued an apology to the retired Intel engineer, stating that he was no longer a suspect. The agency also issued retraction letters to over one thousand Internet users who had been warned that they might be potential targets. "What else were we supposed to do," asked one unidentified FBI agent, "when we found all of those names in something called a killfile?" Louis Freeh's head is still stuck. The Hoover Corporation today announced a new government contract for the development of a 17 story tall, one billion terrabyte capacity canister style vacuum cleaner with T3 and fiber-optic connection ability. The new machine, to be delivered to an unnamed government agency, would be used, according to a Hoover spokesperson, for "unspecified janitorial work on the Internet." -- CTHULHU for President - Why vote for the LESSER of two evils?