Entertainment for Victims June 1998 * $7.09 _________________________ Trojan Anniversary Issue BumBoy Interview: Wham! Bam! C-J VAN DAMNNED {AKA-Tutu, TruthMangler, ASlayerToBeNamedLater, ad infinitum} VIAGRA AND NIGHTSTICKS The Untold Story Mrs. Tom Snyder LATE NIGHT BIG MOUTH _____________________________________________________________ DEAR BUMBO GREAT BALLS OF FIRE! "Regarding the well-researched article claiming that the length of President Clinton's dick and the circumference of his two balls results in the number '666', I was wondering if the dick-length was a surface measurement taking into account the famous 'bend', or if it was measured 'as the crow flies.' Paula Lewinski, Lincoln Bedroom Decorat(or/tion) {Next time, Monica, don't write your question on the back of your personalized stationery, and you won't have to eat crow, instead of flies. - BB} THE BUMBO ADVISOR K- JELL0 "Does it violate a Canadian citizen's Charter Rights when the RCMP put sand in the Vaseline?" ~ Sandy SandFart, A Radical Moderator [Not if they are good kissers. - BB] MOVIES WAG THE STRAW DOG The movie opens with great promise, as ClitOn's OpenFly- Behind-Closed-Doors policy is exposed by BlackBalls operatives of a former president referred to only as 'Dick' who break into Ken Starr's offices to plant X-Rays suggesting that Monica Jones' pussy was bent *before* her accusations of PresiBent ClitOn promising her a job as a favor for her favours, when the credit card he originally tried to pay her with turned out to have expired long before his erection had done so. The following scene, however, with PresiBent ClitOn dancing in front of a Ferral Grand Jury, having a large penis rising out of his shirt collar, and with a small 'head' sticking out of his open fly, singing "If I Only Had A Brain," turned out to be the highlight of a movie that was five years in the making, at a cost to the US Government of eighty million dollars. BUMBO RATING - One Prick Up __________________________________________________________ BumBoy Interview: C-J VAN DAMNNED A candied conversation with CyberSpace's most understood FUD Disseminator whose BadForgeries under the auspices of the Electronic Forgery Foundation have thus far failed to trick anyone but Adam Back and Alec McCrackin into being initiated by the Author into the mythical Circle of Eunuchs { It was a scene from a Film Blanc as AnInterviewerToBe- NamedLater was met at the door of the TrojanSafeHouse by a TruthMongrel wearing White Lipstick and no panties. It was immediately obvious that Blanc Weber's attempts to deflect the Author's obsession with her by forging love-letters to HimOrHer, purporting to be from Carol AnnaChrist CypherPunk, had not only failed miserably, but had also resulted in tremendous psychological trauma to Baby, who continually interrupted the BumBoy Interview by dropping a BadBillyG mask at the Author's feet, and backing towards him with her tail lifted. When asked about the vile-colored discharge coming from TruthMongrel's rear area, the Author merely mumbled an unintelligible statement about 'A tribute to Lucky Green' and forced a couple of antibotic pills down her throat with his penis. AnInterviewerToBeNamedLater, finding the door had locked behind her, quickly sat down and started her tape recorder before holding tightly onto the edges of her chair with both hands and attempting to smile as if nothing was wrong.} BUMBO: I guess I should start by asking you for the True Story (TM) behind the Legendary CypherPunks Moderation/ Censorship Experiment. VAN DAMNNED: The True Story (TM), never before told, is that the CypherPunks Censorship Crisis, which, incidentally, has the same acronym (current CypherPunks Word of the Week) as the Canadian Criminal Code, was, in reality, an attempt to forcefully remove me from the CypherPunks Classic Mailing List, after which the mailing list was scheduled to return to normal, much along the lines of the NewCoke-ClassicCoke ruse. BUMBO: Declan McCullagh, a MainDream journalist with the Netly News, and a media shill for Time Magazine, who was the first false profit to announce 'The Death of the CypherPunks', reported that the controversy began over the forced unsuscbriving of Dr. Dimitri Vulis, KOTM as a result of his relentless spamming of the CypherPunks Classic Mailing List. Are you suggesting that Declan is a lying piece of crap? VAN DAMNED: ou don't understand... There *is*no* Declan...there *is*no* Dimitri. BUMBO: Well bend me over, and call me Mary...are you serious? VAN DAMNNED: Fucking eh! Excuse me, but that's an old Canadian TouretTic saying... Believe me, I was as surprised as you are when I first began to suspect that the CypherPunks Classic Mailing List had at its heart the classic scent of a dark, hidden conspiracy. At first I thought it was part of the WorldWidePlot (TM) against me by Gomez and the Dark Allies, but I later discovered it to be the work of a lone gunman, operating from behind the grass grown on the knoll known as Mayonaisse Mountain. BUMBO: Timothy C. May? VAN DAMNNED: If that is his *real* name... BUMBO: Are you sure you're not full of shit and just trying to distract me while you try to peek up my skirt to see if I'm wearing any panties? VAN DAMNNED: Those are two separate issues... Actually, my underlover investigation, with Baby on top, eventually revealed that Tim May is a senile, grouchy old fart whose redneck, racist cynicism resulted in him being shunned by every decent, law-abiding, moral person on the InterNet, and he single-handedly began the CypherPunks Classic Mailing List by assuming the personas of a variety of alleged founders of the list, including Gilmore, Hughes, et al. TCM's original plan was to create a mystique around the list which would draw others into his sticky PreWorldWideWeb and result in his being able to twist the minds of others with his criminal, anarchistic beliefs. Over the years, however, the lack of response by others on the InterNet forced him to invent such a wide variety of CypherPunks Consistent Net Personas (TM) that he eventually went mad, identifying with each and every persona and subconsiously fearing the intrusion of 'outsiders' into the CypherReality that he had created. BUMBO: And he managed to maintain the illusion all of these years? VAN DAMNNED: es. As hard as it is to believe, little Timmy Mayonnaise, a sorry, pathetic loser whose CyberLoneliness drove him to madness, is solely responsible for the prodigious output of the CypherPunks over the years. BlackNet, Remailers, HashCash, StrangleHold and Comanche software... BUMBO: Are you saying that Sameer, Ian Goldberg, Peter Trei, Matt Blaze, Lance Cottrell, et al, don't exist? VAN DAMNNED: Never have, never will. BUMBO: And Sandy SandFart? VAN DAMNNED: The best-kept-secret in CypherPunks CyberHistory is that *I* am Sandy SandFart. BUMBO: Get out of here... VAN DAMNNED: OK, I'm leaving... BUMBO: No, you fucking idiot...that's just an expression! VAN DAMNNED: Oh...sorry... Anyway, the whole CypherPunks Censorship Crisis (not to be confused with the Canadian Criminal Code), began when I innocently joined the CypherPunks Classic Mailing List, believing it to be real. Tim May at first believed that I was just another one of his invented personas, but he inadvertantly stumbled upon documentation that I was actually a separate individual, and thus a threat to the CypherReality that he had so painstakingly created over the years. When I began to realize that my existence as an actual person was creating problems on the list, due to my post mathematically proving that I had broken PGP having mysteriously failed to show up on the CypherPunks list, I quickly changed my NetPersona to an imaginary being known as Toto, but the mental infirmities that prevented me from maintaining a Consistent CypherPunks Net Persona made it a useless exercise in redundant uselessness. Timothy C. May, under his John Gilmore persona, announced the forceful unsribiving of another of his CypherPunks personas, Dimitri Vulis, with the intention of having the CypherPunks Classic Mailing List moderated/censored by an entity introduced as Sandy SandFart. Recognizing TCM's clever ruse, I blindsided his devious plan by assuming the role of Sandy SandFart on the list, forcing little Timmy into a schizoid break during which he withdrew from the CypherPunks list as Tim C. May, while subconsiously maintaining his other personas. BUMBO: This is getting too weird... Do you have any actual *proof* of all this? VAN DAMNNED: Think about it... When did pouting little Timmy return to the list? After 'Toto' posted a message to the list, with the Subject: Cyphernomicon, Tim May was finally driven beyond the boundaries of bizarre brainiatic bedlam to the point where it broke the PGP-encrypted brainwaves holding apart his separate CypherPunks Consistent Net Personas, and he reached a level where he was 'Hun With Everything', including Attila. BUMBO: Uuhhh...are you starting to 'lose it'? VAN DAMNNED: Must be time to take my medication. Let's put a right-square bracket in and continue this interview after I suck up the pills I stashed up TruthMongrel's twat...]