Time to use your imagination, because... It's the TLA Phone Menu! pair-o-dee by <ddt@lsd.com> [ A french horn version of "The Lion King" fades in quickly, and a ] [ smarmy male voice reminiscent of that 415.777.FILM guy comes on... ] "Welcome to the Three Letter Agency's Help Line! - If you're calling to report a threat to National Security, please press "1" now... - If you're calling to threaten the life of the President of the United States, please have your manifesto ready to fax and press "2"... - If you're calling to report a bomb that's been left somewhere at a TLA complex, please have your five-digit terrorist group identification code ready and press "3" now... - If you're calling to report an imminent nuclear emergency within the territorial borders of the United States, please press "4" now... - If you're calling to find out what "Squeamish Ossifrage" means, please press "5" now... - If you're calling to inform on Phil Zimmermann, please press "6" now... - If you're calling to report an Internet security problem that may affect our ability to packet-filter your local network, please press "7" now... - If you're calling to donate money to Senator Exon's re-election campaign, please press "8" now... - If you're a member of any State Militia or paramilitary group needing assistance with plans to overthrow a state government, please have your copy of the US Constitution ready and press "9" now... - If you're submitting a new encryption algorithm challenge, please visit our website at http://www.tla.gov/cray-this, or press "0" now... - If you're calling to report any unauthorized use of cryptography by pornographers, drug dealers, terrorists and/or religious cults, please press the "star" key now, or stay on the line, and a National Security Analyst will be with you in a moment..." [ Naturally, we press the "star" key... a few mournful moments pass ] [ as, in the background, a valiant attempt is made by 40 melancholy ] [ strings and an antic saxophonist to produce a Musak rendition of ] [ Rockwell's "(I Always Feel Like) Somebody's Watching Me," when ] [ suddenly the Musak fades back... ] "...Thank you for your patience. All of our jack-(and jill!-) booted agents are busy cracking other citizens' shopping-lists or reverse-tracing your phone number at this time, but your call _is_ important to us, so please remain on the line, and a National Security Analyst will be with you momentarily..."