From: "Tom Simmons" <simmons@camasnet.com> Subject: IP: A Poll / A Thousand Lies (satire) Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1998 11:48:22 -0700 To: "Ignition Point" <ignition-point@pobox.com> Editor, I took my own cross-sectional, wholly "scientific" poll on Clinton's impeachment/resignation. In order to be truly "scientific", I followed these rules: 1) Choose a densely populated area of a major city in order to get a poll result that is not one-sided. 2) There are 25 known minority cultures in the U.S., including, in "random" order, but not limited to Indian, African, Mexican, Oriental, Caucasian, gray wolf, spotted owl, and grizzly bear. In order to ensure that minorities are not treated as minorities, enforce strict parameters of 96 percent combined minority and 4 percent Caucasian. 3) Eliminate the following from the poll to preclude prejudice: a.) anyone who did not vote for Clinton. It would not be fair to include those who are obviously biased already. b.) anyone who thinks a Newt Gingrich is a slimy lizard. c.) anyone who doesn't think Newt Gingrich is a slimy lizard. d.) all who believe there is such a thing as "sin". e.) all who have ever used or heard the phrase " moral authority ". f.) anyone who believes that a document as old as the Constitution should matter, at this point. g.) anyone who believes someone with the nickname Slick Willy, caught in a thousand lies, might not be telling the truth now. h.) anyone who has ever questioned the actions of the government and is still living or is not imprisoned. Using these guidelines as promoted by the United Pollsters / Young Urban Research Specialists, commonly known as UPYURS, the results were astoundingly accurate. When asked if Clinton is doing a good job, 7335 percent answered "yes", although when asked to be more specific, 8223 percent hadn't the foggiest idea what his job duties are. As to whether he should resign, 14243 percent answered " no ". A breakdown analysis revealed that, among those not eliminated by the above fairness rules, 62,786,091 work for the Clinton administration, 24,892,456 cannot speak English, 12,873,612 bear fur, and there was one token conservative. In a completely unrelated question, the same broadband group was asked whether Hitler should be posthumously awarded the Nobel Peace Prize...... Tom Simmons ***************************************************************** ***** The most formidable weapon against oppression and tyranny is not bullets, for their use is as a last resort, nor hiding in the mountains, for there is no safe haven from tyranny, nor foolish martyrdom for freedom's sake. It is an informed and involved citizenry. This IS our only hope.Get involved. Tom Simmons ********************************************** To subscribe or unsubscribe, email: majordomo@majordomo.pobox.com with the message: (un)subscribe ignition-point email@address ********************************************** www.telepath.com/believer **********************************************