[Bezerkeley Nutly News: Special Report by Defcon McCullagh Chainsaw] AT AN EMERGENCY CYPHERPUNKS PHYSICAL MEETING AT THE W&S TAVERN AT 5 a.m. in south Berkeley this morning, a lone gunman held police at bay for several hours before escaping with a carton of cigarettes and several bottles of cheap scotch. While W&S Tavern owners explained to reportwhores that they had no plans to seek charges against the unknown gunman, since he used to be a regular customer and a good tipper, a police spokesperson told the same reportwhores, under promise of UnAnonymity, that they would be seeking the death penalty for the gunman, if caught, under the recent Criminal Emotions legislation passed last week by the Politically Correct Peephole's Party at a recent Bezerkeley City Council meeting. "Although the PCP leaders have only had time to train and deploy a few hundred volunteers trained to recognize the signs of the new Criminal Emotions," said Anonymous Badge #356, "it has already become apparent that Anger and Negative Attitude crimes are skyrocketing out of control in the Bay Area." "The physical gunshot wounds suffered by several officers tonight will heal, with time," the gender-neutral individual continued, in a monotone voice, "but the anger expressed toward them by the gunman will remain with them forever, or until the gunman apologizes, if caught." Several hundred Postal Workers have already been detained and sent for pschological testing in the Berkeley area under the strict new laws governing restriction of expressions of disgruntlement within 500 feet of a mailbox by federal postal employees. A US Postal Service spokesperson told reportwhores, "I'm certainly not happy about this..." and was immediately arrested and whisked away by a group of homeless people helping to enforce the new legislation in return for Bezerkeley City Council's promise to add shopping cart lanes next to the current bike lanes on city streets. A member of "The Disgruntled Postal Workers", a Tucson-based muscial group exempted from the new legislation under the "artistic license" provisions, said, as he went through the pockets of the dead fans who failed to escape during the climax of the performance, "I think the gunman at the W&S Tavern was a member of 'The Angry Young Men' who opened for us, so it is unlikely any charges can be laid in the incident, unless he actually smoked some of the cigarettes in the bar during the shooting spree." The owner of the W&S Tavern, when asked by reportwhores if he was unhappy with the damage done to the bar during the shootout, consulted briefly with his attorneys regarding the new Criminal Emotion laws in the Berkeley area, and replied, "No. I'm perfectly happy with the situation." A nearby Berkeley policeman immediately shot down the bar owner, saying, "He looked a little *too* happy, if you ask me." The attorneys merely shrugged as the man lay dying on the sidewalk, telling reportwhores, "The laws are clearly written not to allow deviation of emotionally legal expression too far in *any* direction, and we find that to be... uuhhh...acceptable." Every bar owner contacted by this reportwhore in regard to the new law prohbiting drinking, as well as smoking, in Bay Area bars, said that they were "cautiously optomistic" that their business would not suffer as a result of the legislation. "What we lose in volume, we can make up with lower overhead costs by not needing to stock any of the products we sell." said one bar owner as she placed a 'For Sale' sign in the front window.