From this, we must conclude that self-service is in itself highly suspicious. Look at self-service grocery stores - all the time people are buying things

A friend of mine forwarded this to me; I couldn't resist forwarding it to the list. b& ---- Date: 4 JAN 1995 16:32:23 -0500 From: Kay Lukens <klukens@halcyon.com> Newgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [pdx.general] Re: Keep self-service COMPUTERS out of Oregon! From: keithl@chip.klic.rain.com (Keith Lofstrom) Newsgroups: pdx.general,or.politics Subject: Re: Keep self-service COMPUTERS out of Oregon! It has been pointed out by the stalwart defenders of our rights (to be told what to do) that self-service for gasoline is a Bad Thing. We are assured by many of the same people that self-service for pharmaceuticals, personal defense, transportation, and education are also Bad Things. Other folks, nominally their political competitors (in the same sense that Burgerville and Burger King are competitors) assure us that self-service in personal morality is an *extremely* Bad Thing. And look at what happened to Joycelin Elders when she suggested self-service for sex... that are bad for them. Self-service entertainment has resulted in Beavis and Butthead. And look at the way many computer professionals dress - if this is not an indictment of self-service apparel, what is? However, in the finest tradition of bureaucratic micromanagement, we as computer professionals are not qualified to even consider these effects on other aspects of Society. Such thoughts must be reserved for Wiser Heads Than Ours (unless of course the subject is economics or nuclear power, in which case Our Opinions Count). No, we as computer professionals must confine our thoughts to self-service as it affects us - through our flagrant, dangerous, and socially irresponsible use of Self-Service Computers! Self-Service Computers: Threat or Menace? Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Backaches. Obesity. Bleeding Piles. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. Computers are a known health threat. Reputed Scientific Journals, such as the National Enquirer, are full of stories of people being turned into three-headed cabbages by Nucular Radiation from video displays. It is obvious that the average computer professional, while quite able to find obscure flaws in Pentiums or the secret levels in Doom, is a helpless incompetent when it comes to actually typing on or reading from personal computers. We get so caught up in our alleged thinking that we don't notice our bodies turning into rickety tubs of cancerous lard. We Need Help! Meanwhile, the Great Unwashed Masses are being deprived access to the Information Super Duper Highway. Confined to low paying jobs as sanitation workers or Congressional Representatives, these poor wretches are unable to share in this cornucopia of undocumented, virus-ridden software, poorly informed opinion, and stolen pornography that we call the Internet. These outcasts of the information age must fritter away their time which such mind-numbing activities as outdoor sports, rampant sex, and junkets to the Caribbean. When these people accidentally find their way onto the Internet, perhaps by mistakenly sending their rent check to America On Line, they begin posting meaningless, inappropriate drivel such as spam advertisements for shady lawyers, or actual referenced facts from original sources, violating the hallowed traditions of the Internet. While all citizens must have access to the Net, LET'S NOT GET CARRIED AWAY HERE. What Should We Do? (That is, how can we find new excuses to control other people with minority opinions?) The only solution is to ELIMINATE self-service computers! Every computer in the State of Oregon *must* be operated by THREE OR MORE people - one to do the thinking, one to do the typing, and one to read the screen - preferably through a foot of leaded glass! Think of all the jobs this would create! Not only would we have jobs for all the new operators themselves, we could create vast new bureaucracies to insure that the operators are specially trained, certified, and licensed! Computer Cops could roam the streets, equipped with special Jolt-sniffing dogs, breaking down the doors of self-service scofflaws! Pizza delivery drivers would find new income and respect by turning in their hacker clients! Elizabeth Furse, famous for not reading her own email and for having flunkies type in press releases, will become our shining symbol of the new, socially responsible computer age! You can help. Send your checks to C.A.S.H., the Committee to Abolish Selfservice Hardware, care of me (thnx Frank). I will see that your donation gets the attention it deserves. And on behalf of all of us here at C.A.S.H. (Arnold who handles the left side of the keyboard, Julia the right side, Millie the punctuation, Sam who reads the verbs, Trevor who reads the nouns, and our shop steward Penny, who is lobbying for a government grant to bring in a mentally-challenged lesbian vegetarian special needs hispanic-surnamed person of color to watch the blinky lights on the modem) may you have an appropriate and socially enlightening seasonal celebration! -- Moderators accept or reject articles based solely on the criteria posted in the Frequently Asked Questions. Article content is the responsibility of the submittor. Submit articles to ahbou-sub@acpub.duke.edu. To write to the moderators, send mail to ahbou-mod@acpub.duke.edu. -- Ben.Goren@asu.edu, Arizona State University School of Music Finger ben@tux.music.asu.edu for PGP public key ID 0x875B059.