[EFF - Bienfait, Saskatchewan] News Release: Gates Gives Gargantuan Gift to Gullability Grifters! ---------------------------------------------------- In a suprise announcement this afternoon, Bill Gates announced that he would be donating a billion dollars over the next ten years to the Electronic Forgery Foundation, for use in promoting CypherPunks Action Projects. Gates emphasized that this plan had been in preparation for quite some time, and was not a response to the publicity-seeking Ted Turner's challenge to the rich and notorious. He also pointed out that he, unlike Turner, had nothing but the most self-serving of intentions. "I have asked that none of the money go directly to the projects, but only toward the administration of the CypherPunks Action Projects." he stated. "I expect that the CAP's will become rather top-heavy and, being overseen by the Electronic Forgery Foundation, will be able to compete with the sheer volume of lies that the government uses to suppress free speech and liberty in the U.S. Chief CypherPunks Spokesperson, TruthMonger, thanked Gates profusely for the gift, babbling and drooling at times, while accepting the first check and handing Gates an envelope about the size needed to contain photographic negatives. Gates immediately burned the envelope. TruthMonger stated that he had met with the EFF Board of Directors, including ? the Lunatic, Toto, The Real Guy, and A Player To Be Named Later, and that all of them had been anonymous in agreeing that the first order of business would be to purchase a liquor store from which to run the CypherPunks Action Projects. TruthMonger then put on an aluminum foil hat and, addressing the crowd as ? the Lunatic, said, "We will naturally be replacing the staff of the liquor stores with people more in tune with the goals of the CypherPunks.", adding that he had already put out some 'feelers' at local tit-bars in this regard. Bill Gates explained that a top-heavy disorganization, such as he envisioned with the EFF running the CAPs, would stand a good chance of becoming a self-feeding monster which could promote strong crypto at the same time as bending the multitudes to do his bidding as the year 2000 elections approached. When asked by a reporter if he was the Anti-Christ, Gates grinned and replied, "I could tell you...but then I'd have to burn you in Hell, forever." Reporters were quick to ask the EFF directors how they planned to protect their forseen rise in power and influence from being sabotaged by veteran CypherPunks who might use strong encryption to thwart the attempts of Big Money to harness their reputation capital to promote their own agenda. Taking off the aluminum hat and whipping out his dick, The Real Guy stated, "Well, of course we will have to forbid use of non-GAK'ed cryto by EFF employees, in the interests of Foundation Security. Or, alternatively, we may limit the use of encryption by our employees to 8-bit crypto products." Smiling sheepishly, he added, "We're not real good at math." At this point, shots rang out from the window of a nearby building, as well as from a grassy knoll and several other places, dropping many of those gathered at the press conference like flies. As Gates and TruthMonger made their getaway in an armored limousene, several CypherPunks were heard arguing on the grassy knoll as to whether it had been a mistake to shoot the lawyers first. A later memo to the press from MicroSoft indicated that the official announcement of the donation would be released in an upcoming chapter of "InfoWar (Part III of the True Story of the InterNet), written by Bill Gates, himself. When asked about the possibility of Gates having presented the EFF with a forged check, sources at MicroSoft merely giggled. --------------------------------------------------------------------- This announcement is copyrighted under the auspices of the Electronic Forgery Foundation. Any misuse or misquoting of the announcement will be considered par for the course. ---------------------------------------------------------------------