At 6:34 PM 2/2/96, Timothy C. May wrote:

(Did I hear correctly that Futplex has "volunteered" to perform 500 hours of community service at the Simon Wiesenthal Center's Boston office? And that he has volunteered to attend 50 hours of sensitivity training? Or am thinking of Cornell?)

Ah. I think what Tim's referring to is the brand new Reeducation Campz, Inc. (RCI), "NewCommonwealth" facility currently taking on new "HappyCampers" in Cambridge just up Brattle Street from Harvard Square. I hear it's a complete appropriate-behavior Skinnerian-behavior-modification aversion-therapy facility complete with electroshock contour couches in front of surplus Digital Equipment Corporation MicroVaxen, all running a special version of CuttyBrowser, specially developed in COBOL for the MicroVaxen by Mitre and Micotronx. When the wrong URLs are selected (EF*, Cyph*, crypt*, White_W*, and "Black Rhino", to name a few grep strings), the camper is randomly electrocuted at senstitive subcutaneous nerve endings or gassed with nauseous sulpher fumes. This technology, along with direct neural stimulation of pleasure centers when Significant Figures of National Authority (SFNA) (including the First Lady, the FBI Director, and the Attorney General), are randomly flashed, although slowly, on the MicroVax's screen has proven very powerful in creating extremely motivated and happy citizens of the Commonwealth. An interesting side effect is that the process creates sexual arousal when the HappyCampers see the company logo of the computer outside of the Camp setting, which is apparently why the machines in this particular facility were donated by Digital under a "Help the Commonwealth Grow" program, reserved for Massachusetts computer companies. Digital is hoping that this will help stanche the decline in sales they've been suffering the last few years, or at least help get rid of a "very large" production run of MicroVax computers they've been writing off for the last eight years. RCI, a "hybrid" for-profit corporation owned by government/non-profit organizations, is a partnership between the NSA, both NEAs, NOW, NARAL, The Moral Majority, Oral Roberts University, The 700 Club, and, of course, UMASS in cooperation with the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard. After the camp, the HappyCamper is charged $37,000 in tuition for the 12-day 19-hour-a-day experience, is also required to pay for the computer (because the campers tend to become emotionally distraught when separated from the machines, and because nobody can be hired to clean the machines either), and, is required to recruit 4 other campers. Oddly enough, this last requirement has become something of a problem, because graduates of the Camp are usually overzealous in their recruitment efforts, dragging relatives, farm animals, and, in several cases, inebriated homeless residents of Harvard Square to the Camp and leaving them in unconscious piles at the Camp door. This is causing problems with neighbors in the Brattle Street area, including John Kenneth Galbraith and Governor William Weld, who are not now very happy campers at all. The Camp is now required to give the neighborhood association 24 hour advanced notice of every graduation, so that gardeners and domestic help can be locked safely indoors. Anyway, have fun, Futplex! Remember that I've moved, and don't forget your Kleenex when you go... Better yet, stay in Ithaca. Cheers, Bob Hettinga Ithaca? That's Cornell, right? Hmmmm... How about moving to New Haven, instead? ----------------- Robert Hettinga (rah@shipwright.com) e$, 44 Farquhar Street, Boston, MA 02131 USA "Reality is not optional." --Thomas Sowell The NEW(!) e$ Home Page: http://thumper.vmeng.com/pub/rah/