[Bienfait Nutly News] IN A RIOTOUS, DRUNKEN ORGY AT THE COALDUST SALOON, representatives of Canadian Funeral Home Association celebrated their success in bribing enough Canadian officials, bureaucrats, politicians and mobsters to pull off the advertising coupe of the century. Beginning on April 19, 1998, at 9:02 a.m., Canadian funeral homes will be able to bid on advertising space on the ceilings of maternity wards, birthing rooms and infant care facilities across the nation. Jealous of the recent success of soft-drink and liquor companies in gaining a virtual stranglehold on the public school and college market, the CFHA appealed to the North American Advertising Coalition for support, on the grounds that establishing a Cradle-to-Grave precedent for access to the minds of the citizens would be good for the industry as a whole. Lou Armbuster, who engineered Smith & Wesson's successful bid for access to the prison advertising market, stated, "We are certain that this will be a major step in preventing people from putting off dealing with funeral arrangements until it is too late, leaving their relatives vulnerable to unscrupulous operators during their period of grief." When asked about the rumor that the "Vote Hoffa" ads appearing on the sides of the majority of coffins recently was part of a pre- arranged deal for Teamster Union support, Mr. Armbuster punched out the lights of the reportwhore who asked the question. PGP Inc., under fire recently for the fact that their latest version of Corporate GAKware has a 'comment' line that defaults to "Louis Freeh for President!", contends that it does not constitute free political advertising, since the customer has the option to change it. Nevertheless, PGP refuses to drop their lawsuit against the FrostBack they consider responsible for hacking their system and altering their source code so that new versions of PGP installed on Canadian systems have a default comment line of "Cindy Cohn has a great ass!" ----- The Bienfait Nutly News is in no way connected to the Left Nutly News or the Right Nutly News. We prefer to remain in the middle, in the tradition of our founder, Dick Richard. -----