~ BUMGIRL ~ Entertainment for NastyGirls July 1998 * $7.09 ____________________________ Trojan Horse Sucking Anniversary Issue BumGirl Interview: Wham! Bam! Thank ou Ma'am! T.C. BUTTSLAM {AKA-T.C. May, FifteenInchNails, Human Gus-Peter Sr., AConsistentNetPersonaToBeNamedLater, CypherPunks Philosopher King, The Last True CypherPunk, The Only Real CypherPunk, ad infinitum} VIAGRA AND SALTPETER Jim Belushi's Untold Story Mick Jagger GIVES GREAT LIP! _____________________________________________________________ DEAR BUMGIRL BUMMED BO "I was devastated to learn that the June, 1998, issue of BumBoy Magazine was nothing more than a fraudulent ruse by the Electronic Forgery Foundation. "Were the terrible things said about Tim C. May in the BumBoy Interview with C-J VAN DAMNNED actually true?" ~Eric Cordial, T.O.T.O. {ou will find out in this month's BumGirl Interview, as we bend you over and 'give it to you'--straight from the Horse's Ass. - BG} THE BUMGIRL ADVISOR THE DOORS OF DEPTH PERCEPTION "I gagged Linda Lovelace. What do I do with the body?" ~ William GagHer III, Dawn Long Juan of the CypherPunks Disturbed Male LISP {Wake up! (and smell Jennifer Flowers...) - BG} MOVIES TERMINATING RESISTOR 3 TR3 completes the Magic Circle of Eunuchs with a bizzare, if somewhat predictable twist, as ACyborgToBeNamedLater begins to materialize on the SilverSceenOfVirtualReality in the form of TheRealGuy...naked, as usual. It turns out that the Author, sent back in VirtualRealityTime by John Parker, in order to ensure the safety of Captain John Parker, thus preserving the course of history taken by the American Revolution, got drunker than a skunk on cheap Scotch, and ended up embroiled in the Legendary CypherPunks Moderation Revolution/Anti-Censorship CounterRevolution of 1997, instead. The Author, again predictably, spills Scotch on his Digital Implant during his journey through time, frying the Radio Shack circuitry that resulted in HimOrHer being dubbed, "The Six Million Peso ManOrWoman ($42.00/U.S.)" and becomes a Taoist AuthorBot working for both the Farces of Light and the Farces of Darkness, thus saving the movie producers the expense of paying an extra actor in this low-budget, B-grade Film BlancNoire. The movie quickly degenerates into a pornographic monstrosity, with Sarah Parker, unsure as to who the father of John Parker actually is, since the little glue-sniffing prick was conceived during an alcoholic binge, fucks everyone in sight, to make sure the little bastard gets conceived. The Author, obsessive- compulsive tit-man that he is, invariably throws his hands over her boobs at the slightest sign of danger, claiming, "John's a growing boy...he needs his milk." Investigating the Church of the SubGenius, the AuthorBot soon discovers that the movie is being produced by a group of non- union UnderGroundReptilianNazis, as a result of overhearing several of the producer's phone conversations, which they always end by saying, "Let's do Earth." The AuthorBot develops an obsession with Little Timmy Mayonnaise after becoming sexually excited by the Evil Dr. Vulis's ASCII Art Spams, begins wearing a CoonSkin hat made from the hide of Medgar Evans and drunkenly mumbling, "Remember Los Alamos... Chop, Chop!" at every opportunity. The saving grace of the movie is the soundtrack, courtesy of Al Fowl And The Snakes, a Tucson ReptilianChickenBot Band of ill-repute, featuring their Number 1 With a HollowPoint- TeflonTipped-CopKillerBullet song, "If ou Can't Kill The Authority Figure ou Love/Hate, Kill The One In our Cross- Hairs." BUMGIRL RATING - One Long, Hard Prick Up our Butt __________________________________________________________ BumGirl Interview: T.C. BUTTSLAM A LindaLoveLaceInDepthInterview with one of the original Flounders ("I may smell like fish, but don't call me chicken.") of the CypherPunks Disturbed Male LISP, Timothy C. "No! It doesn't stand for 'cocksucker'!" May. After checking the Andy WhoreHole Mailing List archives, and finding that it was <tcmay@got.net> who originally posted the concept that, in the future, every CypherPunk would have 15" of fame, BumGirl EditWhores decided to change the cover of the July, 1998, edition to feature a picture of a variety of current CypherPunks wearing only athletic- support cups with long, long, long bar-codes on them. {ANastyBumGirlToBeReamedLater, caught in a cross-fire on Mayonnaise Mountain between Timothy C. May, the Philosopher Marksman of the CypherPunks Disturbed Male LISP, and LEA's who were badly outmanned and outgunned by the Cult Of One CypherPunk who owns a variety of weaponry registered in the names of a plethora of CypherPunks Consistent Net Personas, bent over and stuck her head in the sand, hoping that if she took one in the butt, it would be a long, hard one, Teflon-tipped, in order to penetrate her new Kevlar panties. The BumGirl interview took place during lulls in the action, when LEA agents carried off their dead and wounded, while LittleBigTimmy and Dust'em Hoffman argued over their Pretty Lousy Privacy CryptoPhones as to how many dead IRS agents it takes to spell, "I *told* you Jim Bell is a CypherPunk!"} BumGirl: our Tim C. May CypherPunks Consistent Net Persona has such long and well-documented history of raising hell with the sides of the Bleeding Edge of InterNet Freedom and Privacy Technology (TCM) that it is hard to know where to begin. TCM: Let's talk about the Author, instead. BumGirl: Shit! Is this interview just another piece of mindless trash from the Electronic Forgery Foundation? TCM: ou don't understand...*I* am the Author! BumGirl: Well, bend me over and pretend we're married! Are you serious? TCM: Nuke DC! But seriously...Nuke DC! BumGirl: If you are really the Author, as you claim, then why aren't you trying to peek up my skirt, to see if I am wearing panties? TCM: That's Toto's schtick...pardon the pun...uuhhh...if it *was* one... Where was I? Hey! There's my shoes... Anyway... That's how the reader can tell which chapters of 'The True Story of the InterNet' manuscripts are authentic, and which ones are forgeries...by the perverted diatribes about peeking up women's skirts that form an integral part of the forgeries of that fucking asshole interloper on my...I mean...'the'... CypherPunks list. Besides, I read the above intro to this BumGirl interview, so I know you're wearing Kevlar panties. That makes me *hot*... BumGirl: Don't! Stop! Just because I have my head in the sand, like your typical AOL'er, doesn't mean I can't tell what you're trying to do back there... Why did you stop? I'm Catholic, so I *have* to tell you to stop. Don't! Stop! Don't stop! Don't stop! TCM: Hey! That's not a diaphragm...that's a *badge* Jesus H. 'Fucking' Christ! ou're Janet ReamHole... DogFacedLyingMurderingNaziCunt! No wonder you've got your head in the sand... [There was a loud popping sound on the audio tape that the BumGirl EditWhores received from some anonymous coward, via snailmail with no return address on the envelope. The freelance BumGirl ReportWhore sent to do the interview mysteriously failed to return, causing us to wonder if we'd been duped, when the head of the DOBJ suddenly became 'unavailable for comment' at the same time our ReportWhore disappeared. A few days later, however, the head of the DOBJ was spotted by the MainDream press as she exited a secret underground lavoratory suspected to be involved in cloning-related technology. Once an anonymous email arrived from Mark Hedges, who really should learn to use learn remailers properly if he's going to claim to be a CypherPunk (hint: delete your digital signature before sending the fucking thing, dude...), BumGirl EditWhores couldn't help but notice that, when she removed her glasses, she *did* look a lot like Buddy...] BUMGIRL DISCLAIMER: There is absolutely no truth to the slanderous rumors being spread by the Church of SubScientology (an affiliate of the Norman Church--more commonly referred to as 'The Church of Jesus H. 'Fucking' Christ of Labor Day Chincs'--headquartered in SaltLick City, China, and long rumored to be the secret lair of the Cult of One Dead Cow, Army of DogEaters Division), turned over the violently abused and sexually violated carcass of our missing BumGirl ReportWhore (dropped off at our offices by a barefoot, toothless old fart wearing a T-shirt with three lines of Perl code on the front) to local Ferral Bureau42 of Instigation foreskinsic axespurts. The truth is, after our own exspurts performed DNA/RSA tests on the body, to determine the exact nature of the bizarre acts of cryptophilia performed upon her after her death, we simply dumped her body next to several others down an old mining shaft at a popular shooting range outside of Tucson, where, unbeknownst to BumGirl, FBI agents were busy going through the pockets of a witness to the Vincent Price/Phiszt Foster parking-lot-car-drowning, having inadvertantly disposed of the body without removing identifying signs such as large diamond rings, expensive watches, folding money and loose change. As the two MotorCycleMommaDykesOnSpikes, hired by BumGirl to dispose of the body, fled the scene, they overheard one of the FBI agents, who had been trained by Lieutenant Calley not to waste perfectly good pussy, exclaim, upon lifting our dead ReportWhore's skirt, "Jesus H. 'Fucking' Christ, it's Jimmy FuckingGodamnn Hoffa!" Apparently, another FBI agent, after performing a street-sniff test on our dead ReportWhore's dick, contended that it was not Hoffa, but J. Edgar Hoover, with another agent confirming his suspicions by giving the dick a long, involved taste-test to preclude any possibility of the dick being a Cirle Of Eunuchs transplant meant to disguise the body as that of the recently missing caterer to the Bay Area CypherPunks physical meetings. The MotorCycleMommaDykesOnSpikes told BumGirl EditWhores, as we paid them the agreed-upon fee of 'as many rolls of quarters as you can carry without using your hands', "We couldn't pass up the opportunity to commit oral sodomy on your dead ReportWhore before dumping HimOrHer down the mind shaft, and, well...she tasted a lot like Buddy..." Although it *is* true that BumGirl hired the current head of the DOBJ to finish the BumGirl interview with TCM, (not to be confused with Turner Classic Movies), we told HimOrHer that the best approach would be to show up unannounced on Mayonnaise Mountain, flash HisOrHer badge, and announce that she was just taking him downtown, 'to answer a few questions." BumGirl EditWhores do not expect the T.C. BUTTSLAM interview to be completed, but we are making plans to include a photo- special in our next edition, titled, "Beware the Ides of May" complete with never-before-seen scenes of oft-rumored but never confirmed Secret CypherPunks Social Activities known only to 34th Degree Masons and Greek immigrant HodCarriers. Also In The August, 1998, Edition Of BumGirl: Army of Bitch Hostage Disposal - "Smoke 'em if you got 'em!" Cult of One Dead Cow Mission Statement & Barbeque Recipe CypherPunks Activity Project #327 - "Test (No Reply)" BumGirl Interview: Buddy "I should have suspected something when the SexCriminal had the WhiteHouse VeteranAryan, Attila T. Hun, pull *all* of my teeth..." CenterFold: Blanc Weber "WhiteLipstick Power in MicroSoft Village" [WAS: MicroHard Victim of Friendly MakeOver--Corporate Assettes Down 2" As BadBillyG Emerges From Closet Dressed For SuckSession, With Micro$not DC NaziSpinLobbyists Standing Firmly <hee-hee> Behind Him] [NEVERWAS: CypherPunks Come Out Of Closet -- EmBareAssed Gay Activists Force Them Back In...]