Friend, Here's Timothy May, the self-appointed village headman. He's surrounded by a bunch of arse-kissing accolytes: -"Gosh, I thought that Java was garbage, but now that Tim mentions it, it's the best thing in the world" -"Tim's right, Java is terrific." Village Jester: "Tim's dead wrong. Java isn't good--it's great!" Then there's Perry Metzger, the local squire, who's embittered over the fact that, while he's got some worthwhile things to say, he's always overpowered by the "charisma" and new clothes of May. Jim Bell, village idiot. He's always good sport for the village bully, Black Unicorn. His pretentions aside ("the black unicorn has been in my family crest for a thousand years"), he is in actuality a short, portly Philadelphia accountant by the name of Irving Lipshitz-Groins. Cordially, Your village historian