Date: Sun, 11 Sep 1994 18:33:16 -0700 From: Bruce Baugh <bruceab@teleport.com> To: alano@teleport.com Subject: Just In Case You Missed It
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From: acbul1@penfold.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak) Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [alt.discordia] "official" Discordian secret code Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 12 Sep 1994 01:09:02 GMT Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 89 Approved: best@cc.ysu.edu Message-ID: <3509ne$4rm@news.ysu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: unix1.cc.ysu.edu X-Disclaimer: the "Approved" header verifies header information for
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From: snorri@nwu.edu (Snorri Abrahamsen) Newsgroups: alt.discordia Subject: "official" Discordian secret code
In these days of NSA and Clipper and Key/Escrow and PGP and Wilkesman Kid Ranger Decoder Rings, it seems one of the things most on everyone's collective hive-like minds must be security. Security and privacy, make that. Now Discordians have always had a versatile and powerful secret code, one that has defied the efforts of the world's greatest spy-masters and crypto-fiends to crack for countless centuries (or at least since 1962 or so). It goes like this:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
It's a damn fine code, and whoever invented it should get a big gold star, lots of LDD medals, and a beefy slap on the ass for good effort and sheer genius. But I'm afraid that now I have some *SHOCKING NEWS*!
I have reason to believe that the Discordian secret code has been _compromised_. You know, "Loose lips sink ships" and all that, right? (Or is it, "Loose lips sink Golden Apple Corps"? I'm never sure...). Well, it was worse than loose lips. It is my suspiscion that some traitorous Discordian actually gave the code to the NSA.
What to do now for all your Discordian encryption needs? I mean, it would now be insanely dangerous (or at least not very private) to use the old encryption scheme.
I therefore propose creating a new Discordian secret code, perhaps based on a cypher model (where each character is represented by some word), although other models might work really well, too. Anyway, here's a start to a Discordian cypher...
A Andersianism B Quasimodo C yorba linda D colostomy E chao F mojo
etc...
This is a fun scheme because the utter apparent randomness of it. Or at least it seems random... Anyway, it's probably not the best possible scheme for a Discordian Secret Code. Here's are some alternate schemes I had for encoding messages:
* Implosion Method. Write message on lightbulb. Implode lightbulb. Recipient then reverses time continuum and grabs pre-imploded lightbulb from alternate timeline, reads message, and tosses back for implosion before anybody notices. Advantages: NSA Clipper plans (oddly enough) do not extend as far as including key/escrow chips in all time travel devices. Disadvantages: Useless against the Great Race of Yith.
* St. Gulik Method. Write the message in radioactive ink on box paste and feed to specially trained homing cockroaches. Release the homing cockroaches to skitter home. Reassemble message from roach entrails. Advantages: Enemy cryptographers don't like touching roaches. Disadvantages: Kills the roaches; difficult to train them to go home.
* O'Leary's Cow Method. Write message on paper and burn to ashes. Send ashes to recipient. Advantages: No way for enemy to decode message. Disadvantages: No way for recipient to decode message.
* Formless Spawn Method. Write message on outer surface of trained Shoggoth in really strong permanent ink. As Shoggoth moves, message will be scrambled on its surface. With the proper command word, recipient can command shoggoth to assume original form(lessness), descrambling the message. Advantages: Message devours any enemy crytographer who tries to decode it. Disadvantages: No good if recipient fails sanity check.
Any other suggestions for good encryption schemes would be welcome... I'm beginning to feel insecure already, as well as a little on the insane side (you try training a shoggoth to act as your message-pod...)
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