[tsc] TexanTalk

[Ian Foster]

I'm very sorry I missed the call. However, I will mention that Dilbert has 
got onto the topic below.

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At 10:18 AM 10/4/2006 -0600, Chris Kantarjiev wrote:
>I've long admired the Texas dialect, and have spent some effort collecting 
>good examples. I thought about sending this around after the last GGF, but 
>couldn't figure out a suitable audience. Since it came up again on the 
>call this morning, I'll just send it here - and y'all (or all y'all, 
>depending) can send it on if you wish.
>
>Fair warning: some of this might be considered marginally non-work-safe or 
>politically incorrect in today's environment. So it goes :-)
>
>Best,
>chris
>
>Reprinted, without permission, from a 1983 S.F. Chronicle column titled
>"The Chronicle Whole Earth Catalog" edited by Stewart Brand and Joe
>Kane. (Thanks to my sister-in-law for loaning me this from her
>scrapbook.)
>
>"Texas Crude" by Ken Weaver
>
>Ken Weaver, 42, has been in the Air Force, played with the '60s rock
>band the Fugs and worked in the oil fields of Texas, his home state,
>where he gathered these jewels from Lone Star tongues. "I worked with
>geniuses in the oil fields," he says. "They didn't know anything about
>Chaucer, but Chaucer whould have loved them." He now studies Russian and
>linguistics at the University of Arizona.
>    -- Joe Kane.
>
>-----------------
>A Texican Lexicon
>-----------------
>
>Graderblade.
>A face, pretty or otherwise.
>
>Crippled sick.
>Gravely, albeit psychosomatically, ill: "Hot damn, I'd love to he'p you
>boys load that hay, but I've been just about crippled sick here lately."
>
>In a hot New York minute.
>Immediately: equates to a nano-second, or that infinitesimal blink of
>time in New York between the instant the traffic light turns green and
>the 'ol boy behind you honks his horn.
>
>Roebuckers.
>Prosthetic dentures.
>
>Belt-buckle polisher.
>A slow dance tune: "Now here's a belt-buckle polisher, so all you lovers
>can dance cheek to cheek . . . to cheek . . . to cheek . . ."
>
>Table muscle.
>Belly, stomach, paunch: "Monroe likes to brag about how strong he is,
>but it looks to me like that table muscle's the one that gets the most
>workin' out."
>
>Pert near, but not plumb.
>Almost, but not totally: "I'm pert near, but not plumb, drunk."
>
>To split the sheets.
>To be separated or divorced.
>
>To chip the moss off one's teeth.
>To brush one's teeth, especially after a night of serious drinking.
>
>She had kittens.
>She was astonished, mightily.
>
>Snot-nose.
>Arrogance: "If you don't straighten up, boy, the world is gonna have a
>long party knockin' the snot-nose outa you."
>
>Left-handed cigaret.
>Marijuana cigaret: "I think that new guy's been smokin' left-handed
>cigarets. He just came over and asked me if Tuesday comes before or
>after November."
>
>Since Mody Dick was a minnow.
>Since Time Immemorial. World Without End. Amen.
>
>------------------------
>Conversational Fragments
>------------------------
>
>"I love you, but cut the cards."
>A statement of affection without complete trust. "Now, Jim Bob, you know
>I think the world of you, but I can't lend you the money on a
>smile-and-a-handshake basis. I mean I love you, but cut the cards, if
>you get my meaning."
>
>"I'm serious as cancer."
>As Alice in Wonderland might have said, "Seriouser and seriouser . . ."
>
>"He's checkin' his eyelids for pinholes."
>"He" is taking a little nap, but if you wake him up and ask him, he'll
>deny it.
>
>"Boy, when you're 18, your plate is broken and your corner of the table
>is sawed off in this house."
>When the son comes of age, it's time for him to leave home and hearth,
>and go out into the cold cruel world and seek his fortune. And quit
>mooching off his folks.
>
>"Throw some glass in that pneumonia hole!"
>Close the window. Usually heard while riding in an automobile.
>
>"Might as well. Can't dance, and it's too wet to plow."
>Acquiescent answer to any suggestion; "Okay, let's."
>
>"It'll feel better when it stops hurtin'."
>Simple, and I do mean simple, words of comfort.
>
>"Hold a strain on 'er, partner."
>As much as is in your power, maintain control of your life.
>
>"I've enjoyed just about all of this I can stand."
>I'm bored and/or repelled by this. Let's go.
>
>"If he tells you a rooster can pull a railroad train, you better buy
>yourself a ticket."
>Refers to someone who is an expert in his sphere of knowledge. He's the
>Man Who Knows.
>
>"Whatever blows your dress up."
>Whatever pleases you.
>
>"We're waitin' on you like one hog waits on another."
>Usually heard at mealtime, when you're late and the others have begun
>the meal without you.
>
>"I'm so hungry I'm left-handed."
>Implies a hunger so intense it is accompanied by reversal of cerebral
>polarity.
>
>"Park your carcass."
>Make yourself comfortable.
>
>"What do you think you're drivin'? Nails?"
>Usually hollered at a slow driver, this expression is at least as old as
>the age of automobiles, and probably as old as nails.
>
>"That'd gag a maggot!"
>Refers to something terminally disgusting.
>
>"Anything not a mystery is guesswork."
>1. One of the Eleusinian mysteries.
>2. One of the Tex Arcana.
>3. None of the above.
>
>------------
>Exclamations
>------------
>
>"I feel so good I'm gettin' jealous of myself!"
>
>"If I was doin' any better I couldn't stand it and the law wouldn't
>allow it."
>
>"Shoot low, they're ridin' Shetlands!"
>Good advice if you're in a fire fight with pygmy outlaws. If you're not,
>just say it for fun.
>
>------------------
>Slurs and Slanders
>------------------
>
>"He's cross-threaded between the ears."
>He's not stupid; he's crazy.
>
>"He could fall up a tree." "He could fall out of a well."
>Both descriptive of the accident prone, the subconsciously suicidal,
>and/or the terminally clumsy.
>
>"If you're going to homestead it, why don't you build a fence around
>it?"
>Usually hollered at slow drivers.
>
>"Look at that face; it's done wore out two bodies."
>Said of someone's old face, said with love and only to someone you know
>well.
>
>"A hundred-yard dash and a good cigar would kill him."
>He's so out of shape he's only breathing from memory.
>
>". . . put a rattlesnake in his pocket and ask him for a match . . ."
>A uniquely Texican way to settle an old score.
>
>". . . if he had a brain he'd play with it."
>A cretin.
>
>-------------------
>That Drinkin' Thing
>-------------------
>
>". . . drivin' one of them old drunk cars . . ."
>Euphemism for D.W.I., Driving While Intoxicated. I once saw a guy coming
>out of the Palo Pinto County Jail early in the morning. Asked him what
>he had been in for. He smiled a little sheepishly and said, "Drivin' one
>of them ol' drunk cars."
>
>"I got a D.W.I. last week for not having enough blood in my alcohol
>stream."
>
>"It's gettin' drunk out(side)."
>Means it's getting drunk inside the speaker.
>
>Whisky dents.
>Those irregularities, large and small, that you find in your car, or on
>your head, after a night at the shrine of Bacchus.
>
>Calf slobber.
>Foam on a head of beer: "I like to pour it into the glass real fast to
>get a good head of calf slobber on it."
>
>"Ta kill ya."
>Tequila.
>
>Cowboy cool.
>Chambre, room temperature, referring to beer. It's called "cowboy cool"
>even if the "room" is the trunk of a car on a hot summer day.
>
>To: chunkstyle at abingdon.eng.sun.com
>Subject: texasese
>Date:   Tue, 17 Sep 1991 21:24:47 PDT
>From: Andy.Banta at eng.sun.com
>
>
>Because it's always classic, always in fashion, and Geoff Miller
>wanted it, here's the Texasese article.
>
>
>Well, a week or so ago someone posted a request for Texasese (Texese?).
>Anyway, I finally found this file buried deep in my archives. Enjoy.
>
>
>Conversational Fragments
>-------------- ---------
>
>"If it harelips the governor. . ."
>    1.  No matter what the cost
>    2.  Equals "come hell or high water. . ." and implies an implacable
>    determination to succeed in an endeavor, from working a crossword puzzle
>    to finagling the purchase of a select oil lease, even if to do so con-
>    stitutes a slap in the Face of the Law.  "I know she's married, and I know
>    she loves her husband, and I know he's a big, mean, jealous man, but I'm
>    gonna bed her if it harelips the governor!"
>
>"Before I _____, I couldn't spit over my chin.  But now that I _____, I can
>spit all over my chin."
>    1.  This is a device used to demonstrate, albeit facetiously, how some-
>    thing, or someone, has brought about a radical improvement in the quality
>    of one's life.  The blanks can be filled in with whatever pleases you:
>    "Before I joined the Moose Lodge, I couldn't. . ."  Or, "Before I met your
>    mother, I couldn't spit over my chin, etc."
>
>"That'd gag a maggot!"
>    1.  Refers to something terminally disgusting.
>
>A Texican Lexicon
>- ------- ------
>
>to domino
>    1.  To give birth, to bear a child.
>    "Hows the wife?"
>    "Oh, she's fixin' to domino here about March or April."
>
>whipout
>    1.  Money.
>    "Got any whipout?"
>    "My new pickup cost me nine thousand whipout."
>
>graderblade
>    1.  A face, pretty or otherwise.
>    "Would you look at the graderblade on that new barmaid?"
>
>fawnching
>    1.  Complaining, sulking.
>    "Boy, you see that yard out there?  Well that's my yard.  Now, you see
>    that grass all over my yard?  That's your grass.  I want you to quit
>    fawnchin' around this house and get out there and get your grass off my
>    yard, 'cause it ain't gettin' anything but higher, and I ain't gettin'
>    anything but madder."
>
>stump-broke
>    1.  Unquestionably obedient.  A "stump-broke" mule is a mule which has
>    been trained to back up to, and stand before a stump for purposes of
>    passive sexual intercourse.
>    "What's wrong with my nose?  I'll tell you what's wrong with my nose.  I
>    asked Gunther if he had his girl-friend stump-broke yet, and he hit me on
>    it, that's what."
>
>tricycle motor
>    1.  A chile.  Also:  house-ape, crumb-cruncher, curtain-climber, rug-rat
>    and yard-ape.
>
>snot-nose
>    1.  Arrogance.
>    "I'll tell you something, son.  If you don't straighten up, the world is
>    gonna have a long party knockin' that snot-nose outa you."
>
>pissant
>    1.  Pejorative diminutive.
>    "Yeah, I know he's a sawed-off little ol' pissant, but you call him
>    'shorty' and he'll stop your heart."
>
>mullygrubbing
>    1.  Sulking, petulant behavior.
>    "So your sister Darlene runned off with a albino motorcycle gang presi-
>    dent.  Mullygrubbin' around the house ain't gonna help.  Don't you worry,
>    Tyshonda, we'll find you somebody just as good!"
>
>to split the sheets
>    1.  To be separated or divorced.
>    "Me and the ol' lady split the sheets a year ago, and I'm growin' a toe-
>    nail on my dick, from fuckin' my socks."
>
>chingaladdo
>    1.  Anglo pronunciation of "chingadero", literally, fucker.  Equates to
>    thingamajob, thingumbob, whatsis, and whatchamacallits of this ilk.
>
>Snakenavel
>    1.  A fictitious city, usually said to be in Idaho.  Used to give someone
>    an idea of where you live.  The wrong idea.
>    "I've been from Bumfuck, Egypt to Snakenavel, Idaho."
>
>murdercycle
>    1.  A motorcycle.
>
>Roebuckers
>    1.  Prosthetic dentures.
>
>left-handed cigarette
>    1.  Marijuana cigarette.
>   "I think that new guy's been smokin' some of that wacky backy.  He just
>    came over and asked me if Tuesday combes before or after November."
>
>A Blue Tick-Plot cross bitch
>    1.  A female cross-bred raccoon-hunting hound.
>
>Beeshit
>    1.  Honey.
>    "She calls me 'beeshit,' 'cause I'm so sweet."
>
>Wickerbill
>    1.  Term of endearment.
>    "Lay down, you little wickerbill; I think I love you."
>
>henfruit, or cackleberries
>    1.  Chicken eggs.
>
>. . .smooth. . .
>    1.  An in-fixed adjective.
>    "My cousin took one look at his new-born baby and fainted smooth away."
>    "That city boy fucked smooth up when he started makin' fun of Shorty."
>
>Horny. . .as a three-balled tomcat
>    1.  Describes one who has an exaggerated second chakra, hyperfunctioning
>    libido, or is in the throes of satyriasis.
>    "My cousin Aubrey's horny as a three-balled tomcat.  He'd rather fuck than
>    eat, and he's hungry ALL the time!"
>
>Hungry. . .enough to eat the ass out of a menstuating skunk.
>    1.  I'd rather die.
>
>Slick. . .as two eels fuckin' in a bucket of snot.
>    1.  Unseen but by the eye of the deranged mind.
>
>Sticks. . .like shit to a blanket.
>    1.  A truly existential stickiness, of which Sartre spoke.
>
>Strong. . .enough to stick his funger up his ass and hold himself out at arm's
>    length.
>    1.  I'd pay a nickel to see that.
>
>Stubborn. . .as a fly.
>    1.  From the Spanish: "terco como una mosca."  A fly will land on your
>    face a thousand times if for nothing else than the pleasure of waking you
>    up from a dead drunk.
>
>Sucks. . .like a bucket of ticks.
>    1.  Something, or someone, that "sucks" is of little value.
>    "This job sucks like a bucket of ticks."
>
>Tough. . .as a Mexican family.
>    1.  High toughness factor.  Few social units have the solidarity of the
>    Mexican family.  If you fight one member, you have to fight them all,
>    down to the last third cousin, twice removed.
>
>Ugly. . .as Death backing out of a shithouse reading "Mad Magazine". . .
>    "Leon talks about his wife like she was Miss America, but I saw her in the
>    Piggly Wiggly the other day, and let me tell you, that woman is as ugly as
>    Death backing out of a shithouse reading 'Mad Magazine'. . ."
>
>Wild. . .as a shithouse mouse.
>    1.  If you've ever stepped into a privy and found a mouse, you'll know how
>    wild with fear a little mouse can become.  With no exit but the hole in
>    the seat, it's a dilemma no one, not even a mouse, should be faced with.
>
>Scattered. . .like a madwoman's shit
>    1.  Strewn about in great disorder.
>    "O.K.; you men're gonna have to clean up this tool room.  You got tools
>    and junk and good God there's a month-old half a samwich on your lathe!
>    You got stuff scattered around here lake a madwoman's shit!"
>
>Boneyard
>    1.  In the oilfield, usually a great rusting heap of barely usable old
>    pipe connections, used for spare parts.
>
>To grab another cog.
>    1.  In the realm of the internal-combustion-powered vechicle, this means
>    to shift to a lower gear, as when pulling a heavy load up a steep grade.
>
>Stud duck (also: stud buzzard)
>    1.  The acknowledged leader or a clique, or community.
>    "Sheriff Buckshot is the stud duck around here, and if he tells you a
>    rooster can pull a freight train, you better get off the track."
>
>Back when snakes used to walk.
>    1.  Once upon a time, long ago.
>
>Eat up with the dumbass.
>    1.  Consumed with stupidity.
>    "When I saw ol' Delbert tryin' to siphon gas uphill, I knew for sure he
>    was eat up with the dumbass."
>
>Hyperboles, Similes, etc.
>----------- -------- ----
>
>Ass. . .like a black widow spider's.
>    1.  Possessed of a Callipygian luxuriance, or a big ass.
>
>Busy. . .as a cat in a feedlot.
>    1.  A cat could spend all nine lives trying to bury that manure.
>
>Crazy. . .as a football bat.
>
>Dry. . .as a fish fart rolled in sand.
>
>Fits. . .like a sock on a duck's nose.
>    1.  With nary a wrinkle.
>    "That knit suit fits her like a sock on a duck's nose."
>
>Grinnin'. . .like a cat eating shit out of a hairbrush.
>    "I remember back in the '50s when the whorehouse, the Chicken Ranch in La
>    Grange, Texas, was in operation.  One night me and Beaky and Toenails and
>    Jim Bob went.  I had got ten dollars from my Granny for my eighteenth
>    birthday, so I spent five of it on what they called a 'short date."  And
>    short it was:  a regular 'wham, bam, thank you, Ma'am.'  Anyway Jim Bob
>    went in, lost his cherry, and when he walked back out to the car, he was
>    grinnin' like a cat eatin' shit out of a hairbrush.  I asked him what was
>    so funny and he told us he's tore that gal a new one.  He said she told
>    him to put it in, and when he said it WAS in, she started hollerin' like
>    he was killin' her!"
>
>Happy. . .as a queer in Boy's Town.
>
>Exclamations & Ejaculata
>------------ - ---------
>
>"Ive seen a goat-roping, a fat stock show, and a duck fart under water, but it
>that don't beat any damn thing I've EVER seen, I'll put in with you!!"
>    1.  Indicates terminal astonishment on the part of the speaker.  I heard
>    it once (directed at me), when I walked into the El Campo, Texas, lodge-
>    house of the Benebolent and Protective Order of the Elk, No. 1402, in
>    1969.  The fact that I had hair down to the middle of my back and looked
>    like a cross between an ugly Viking and an orangutan may have had some-
>    thing to do with it.
>
>"Boy?!  Don't you call ME 'Boy'!  I got a yard of dick, a number two washtub
>full of balls, and enough hair on my ass to weave an Indian blanked, and you
>call me 'Boy'???"
>    1.  If anybody ever calls you "Boy", you're ready.
>
>"I don't give a national fuck!"
>    1.  The speaker could not possible care any less than he already doesn't.
>
>A Selection of Handy Phrases Apropos of Violence
>- --------- -- ----- ------- ------- -- --------
>
>"They ought to put Chinese handcuffs on their dicks and let 'em fight it out."
>    1.  This evokes a bizarre image, if you remember that Chinese handcuffs
>    are those woven straw tubes into which your index fingers are inserted.
>
>". . .from asshole to appetite. . ."
>    1.  From anus to gullet.  This is where people sometimes get cut, from. .
>    to, and mortally every time.
>    "He cut that sumbitch from asshole to appetite.  Gutted him like a deer.
>    God, he looked like a red canoe layin' there on the ground."
>
>Wall-to-wall counseling
>    1.  A physical beating given with the ultimate aim of redirecting the
>    behavior of the beatee.
>
>That Drinkin' Thing
>---- -------- -----
>
>"Whiskey when you're sick makes you well.  Whiskey makes you sick when you're
>well."
>    1.  If you can repeat the above couplet after two or three hours of
>    quaffing cold ones, then have a few more and try again.  Stop drinking
>    when you can't repeat it correctly.
>
>"I got a D.W.I. last week for not having enough blood in my alcohol stream."
>
>"You don't buy beer, you rent it."
>    1.  Reference to the short period of time you actually possess beer before
>    it leaves you.
>
>Knee-crawlin', snot-slingin' drunk
>    1.  A severe degree of drunkenness, after enduring which all your friends
>    feel compelled to give you reports on what you did, what you said to whom,
>    and who's gunning for you.
>
>"It's gettin' drunk out(side).
>    1.  Means it's getting drunk inside the speaker.
>
>"Fourteen Feathers"
>    1.  Thunderbird wine, fourteen being the number of feathers on the wings
>    of the bird on the label.
>
>Cowboy cool
>    1.  "Chambre", room temperature, referring to beer.  It's called "cowboy
>    cool" even if the "room" is the trunk of a car on a hot summer day.
>    "I don't have any cold beers, but you're welcome to one of these if you
>    don't mind it being cowboy cool."
>
>Whiskey dents
>    1.  Those irregularities, large and small, that you find in your car (or
>    on your head) after a night at the shrine of Bacchus.
>    "He's got so many whiskey dents on his car, the fenders look like wash-
>    boards."
>
>Calf-slobber
>    1.  Foam on a head of beer.
>    "I like to pour it into the glass real fast to get a good head of calf-
>    slobber on it."
>
>The bird
>    1.  Austin Nichols' Wild Turkey Whiskey.  "The Bird" is spoken of with
>    reverence around the evening campfires of Texas "whiskophiles."
>    "I've never seen anybody that loved that ol' Bird as much as Jim Ed.  When
>    he buys a bottle, he just throws the cap away.  Always holds his nose when
>    he drinks it, too.  Says the aroma, he calls it 'the bo-kay,' reminds him
>    of Texas so much he starts cryin', and he don't like to dilute his whiskey
>    with tears."
>
>"She heaved a couple of times, then she hit fluid."
>    1.  Firsthand description of an oilfield worker's girlfriend drunk to the
>    point of regurgitation.  In the oilfield, "hitting fluid" can mean
>    striking oil.
>
>And a few lines about the Dark One, the Hangover, who Waits in the Wings:
>
>"I feel like hammered dogshit."
>"I feel like I was eat by a coyote and then shit off a cliff."
>"I feel like I was shot at and missed, shit at and hit."
>
>Sex, and other Bodily Functions
>---- --- ----- ------ ---------
>
>Assjack
>    1.  A small cushion kept in the back seat of one's car, used for elevating
>    the pelvis of the sexual partner, facilitating entry and deeper penetra-
>    tion.  Should anyone ask, the cushion is for resting Granny's neck on long
>    Sunday drives.
>    "Damn, Elon!  That you assjack smells so bad?!  You ought to burn that
>    thing, or cut it up into catfish bait!"
>
>To pack someone's peanut butter
>    1.  To commit aggressive anal sex.
>
>The Flying "T"
>    1.  An acrobatic sexual stunt in which the lady is placed standing on her
>    head, legs spread, given mouth-to-vagina resuscitation, while the legs are
>    cranked back and forth.  Stop when she's drilled into the ground up to her
>    navel.
>
>"When my dick gets hard it draws up so much skin I can't even close my eyes."
>    1.  Now we know why elephants are so wrinkly.
>
>A Blue-Steel Hardon
>    1.  An adamantine erection.  The difference between a regular hardon and
>    and a Blue-Steel hardon is:  when you press downward on a regular hardon
>    and release it, it springs back up and slaps you in the belly two or three
>    times.  When you press down on a Blue-Steeler, your feet fly out rearward
>    from beneath you.
>
>". . .let me just put the head in. . ."
>    1.  This means, "Allow me to just insert the glans penis, and I promise
>    not to take advantage."  A lie.  A pathetic, oft-attempted line which
>    never works.  No wonder there's a Women's Liberation Movement.
>
>"How's you hammer hangin'?"
>    1.  A general greeting with penile undertones.  Or hardware overtones.
>
>"When a man gets fuckin' on his mind all his brains go into the head of his
>dick."
>    1.  With room to spare.
>
>Lip wrasslin'
>    1.  Osculation.
>    "I hate to pick J.L. up for work.  Him and his wife stand there and lip-
>    wrassle for ten minutes before he's ready to go.  Sounds like a toothless
>    tomato-eatin' contest."
>
>Swappin' spit
>    1.  Osculation
>
>Gudentight
>    1.  German word for "virgin."
>
>Duckbutter
>    1.  Smegma.
>
>"I'm not prone to argue. . ."
>    1.  That is to say, "Contention is not the primary reason I'm lying naked
>    beside you. . ."
>
>"I was so mad at my wife I sat on the side of the bed and jacked off just to
>show my independence."
>
>"It's o.k. to lope your mule if he comes up, but it's not o.k. to call him 
>up."
>    1.  This means that if you have an erection, it's acceptable to mastur-
>    bate; it is, however, unacceptable to arouse yourself for the purpose of
>    masturbation.
>
>"This won't hurt, did it?"
>    1.  Texas foreplay.
>
>"Gettin' any mud for your turtle?"
>    1.  "Have you engaged in sex lately?"
>
>". . .gave my dick a dishonorable discharge. . ."
>    1.  Masturbated.
>    "When I was in the army, a sergeant caught me in the shower in the process
>    of giving my dick a dishonorable discharge.  I looked him straight in the
>    eye and told him it was my dick and I could wash it as fast as I wanted
>    to.  Never missed a stroke, either."
>
>"They go off in the bushes and bump dickheads, I reckon."
>    1.  Erroneous speculation of sex between consenting males.  The above re-
>    mark was made by a Texas cowboy concerning the enigma of male homosex-
>    uality.
>
>And it came to Pass:  Gas
>--- -- ---- -- -----  ---
>
>"Son, the next time you eat a skunk, try peelin' it first"
>
>"Rave on, Toothless Wonder!"
>
>"Well, your voice has changed, but your breath smells the same."
>
>A Few Meteorological Observations
>- --- -------------- ------------
>
>"It got so cold my dick drawed up almost to my knee."
>
>"It was rainin' frogs fuckin' ducks."
>
>"The rain was so spotty the other day, I was out huntin' and had my double-
>barreled shotgun leanin' up against a tree and it only rained in one barrel."
>
>"It was rainin' like a double-cunted cow pissin' off a forty-foot cliff 
>through
>a screen onto a flat rock."
>
>Philosophical Observations
>------------- ------------
>
>"You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up
>first."
>    1.  Wishful thinking is far less likely to produce results than direct
>    action.
>
>"Blood is thicker than water, but come (cum) is thicker than blood."
>    1.  Members of one's family deserve more loyalty than those outside the
>    family, but one's spouse deserves more loyalty than even blood relatives.
>    If you have to take sides between you wife (or husband), and a member of
>    your family, your mate always comes first.
>
>"You buy 'em books and you buy 'em books and they just chew on the covers."
>    1.  Some people are impervious to the counsel of Wisdom.  They just can't,
>    or won't learn.
>
>-------------
>
>The other day, a friend of mine (from Texas) and I went out to a local
>steakhouse.  This is the dialog that followed after I made my order.
>
>WAITRESS:   And for you, sir?
>JOHN:       I'll have the top sirloin.
>WAITRESS:   And how would you like that cooked.
>JOHN:       Just whack off the horns, wipe its ass, and throw it on the
>             plate.
>WAITRESS:   Rare?
>JOHN:       Rare.
>
>----
>Heard on the occasion of George W. Bush's inauguration as the 43d president:
>
>well-tended
>    1. Everything that can be done, has been done.
>    "There are a lot of well-tended women in Texas."
>----
>dick-fingered: lacking manual dexterity, as in "He's so dick-fingered he
>can't pick his nose without putting his eye out."
>
>_______________________________________________
>tsc mailing list
>tsc at ogf.org
>http://www.ogf.org/mailman/listinfo/tsc

_______________________________________________________________
Ian Foster -- Weblog: http://ianfoster.typepad.com
Computation Institute: www.ci.uchicago.edu & www.ci.anl.gov
Argonne: MCS/221, 9700 S. Cass Ave, Argonne, IL 60439
Chicago: Rm 405, 5640 S. Ellis Ave, Chicago, IL 60637
Tel: +1 630 252 4619 --- Globus Alliance: www.globus.org


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