DARPA to extend Futures Markets to Courts
Tim May
timcmay at got.net
Tue Jul 29 21:31:41 PDT 2003
WASHINGTON, 30 July The Pentagon has announced plans to offer the
FutureMAP technology to courtrooms and their employees.
"Court officers, judges, clerks, persecutors, and even bailiffs will be
able to participate in the exciting technology of futures markets,"
gushed Rear Admiral and Arms Dealer John Poindexter.
"Before a decision is reached, before even the jury has gone to the
jury box, people will be able to make side bets on various outcomes,
with odds set by the collective action of all. The betting and payoffs
are done anonymously, so there are no pesky income tax issues to worry
about," added Poindexter.
Poindexter said that the information revealed by the futures market for
legal decisions will also help guide judges to make the correct
decisions. "I envision this as the ultimate computer technology for the
legal profession."
Said one judge in the Ninth Circuit, "As judges we are very poorly
paid. How can we live on $160,000 a year? This system will allow us to
earn a little bit of money on the side. My clerks are very excited,
too. One of my rocket scientists has some ideas about how we can juice
up the odds on a long shot decision, with some preliminary rulings, and
then swoop in for the kill with the bets we have placed on the actual
decision! Cayman Islands, here I come!"
Rear Admiral Poindexter denounced critics of the system as Chicken
Littles. "We have checks and balances in place. Don't forget, our
office also operates the Total Information Awareness Program, so those
microphones and DARPA-developed miniature cameras will really come in
handy to check that nobody is abusing the system."
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