Fwd: Blofeld found near Corralito's stop licensed to kill stop eyes only stop
Matthew X
profrv at nex.net.au
Mon Sep 9 07:46:10 PDT 2002
>
>Subject: Blofeld found near Corralito's stop licensed to kill stop eyes
>only stop
>Backgound for Infiltration purposes.
>Adventures of Fluffy, American Dissident Cat;
>(September 9) It's started again. Early in the morning some idiot starts
>ringing my doorbell. It was ringing and ringing and ringing, and I knew
>right away it was one of the Geriatric Gestapo of the Neighborhood Watch
>Association. They're the only ones that would do it - ring five or six
>times in a row like that. And sure enough it was - complaining about the
>Fluffster. Anyway Fluffy the cat was over at the golf club parking lot,
>where he likes to hang out with all the Cadillacs and their American flags
>that the Geriatric Gestapo like to put on their cars. The Fluffster has
>gotten into the habit of tearing the flags off of them.
>
>To him, it's just something to play with. The flags are blowing in the
>breeze, and the cat gets on top of the cars. He takes his paws and grabs
>at the flag and his claws get stuck in the flag. Then in order to get his
>claws out, he will literally tear the flag right off the little wooden
>pole. His claws get stuck in there because they're all cheap little
>seventy-nine cent American flags - made in China, of course. They're just
>stapled on to the wood. So the Fluffster, in order to get his claws out,
>has to tear the flag off the pole. And people are thinking he's doing it
>on purpose. These oldsters are convinced that I've trained him to do it on
>purpose because I told them so. I've told them that the Fluffster is a
>duly enlightened cat, and he's doing his part to prevent the spread of
>"Dangerous Blind Patriotism."
>
>I put his little army helmet on today and he's all set. He's got a
>miniature army helmet I bought him through this cat mail order place. They
>sell all sorts of stuff for cats. The Fluffster actually seems to like it.
>It's a little green plastic helmet with webbing over it and it looks
>exactly like a World War II helmet and it has places for his ears. It says
>the Big Red One on it and it has a little elastic that goes under his
>chin. It doesn't seem to bother him and he doesn't try to pull it off, but
>then, of course, he's half stoned all the time.
>
>He eats catnip incessantly. He'll go through a bag of it in no time. I
>used to give him just a teaspoon of organically grown fresh catnip a day.
>It's good for the cat's bowels and urinary tract. It evidently keeps them
>regular like bran flakes for people. I kept giving him more and more and
>then I thought I'll just give him the whole bag. He's an All American Cat.
>He's stoned all day on catnip. His eyes are always glazed over and he's
>having a hell of a time.
>
>Catnip is to Cats what Jack Daniels and Prozac is to the Bush Family.
>
>So he's out there this morning with his little helmet on, tearing the
>flags off the Geriatrics' Cadillacs. The old people actually believe me
>when I tell them that I've trained him to do this and that the Fluffster
>is doing his part so the Geriatric Gestapo don't succumb to "Dangerous
>Blind Patriotism." And, of course, none of them want to hear that.
>
>So now I've been told that for every seventy-nine cent American flag "Made
>in China" that he pulls down, we'll get fined five dollars. They're just
>fine happy and they just love it because the fines go into the clubhouse
>fund to support the geriatric exercise room where they're now learning the
>goose-step. Instead of aerobics, they have Goose Stepping 101. You don't
>know how wild the Neighborhood Watch Association seniors can get. (See
>previous story on "Close Encounters With Neighborhood Watch")
>
>Their biggest problem is that their brittle belief systems, from the time
>when they were young, are all calcified -- and they're collapsing all
>around them. Since their minds have long since atrophied, they go into
>this numb way of living, so they're just numb to everything. It's like
>All-Natural Prozac, and they all hang out with each other because they're
>all equally naïve and provincial. They all take the senior citizen shuttle
>bus to Wal-Mart for the Thursday double discount seniors' day. Loaded with
>their trading stamp booklets and every discount card in the world, they go
>driving around in their electric three wheelers. They bang into each other
>and their false teeth come out. More of them have lost their false teeth
>at Wal-Mart banging into each other than you can imagine. It's like
>Dodge-Em Cars or Bumper Cars in this place. And that's what it looks like
>because none of them can half see anymore. Their eye-hand coordination is
>pretty well gone. You go into the Wal-Mart and it looks like a bunch of
>oldsters playing Bumper Cars and then when one of them drives onto the
>other, they yell and cry out, "Whiplash" and "I'm going to get my lawyer."
>
>And they actually have ads on the back of the bus benches in front of the
>place from every ambulance-chasing lawyer in town. The one I love is
>called Rosenberg Rosenthal Rosencrantz and Rosenwitz. That's the name of
>the law firm. They have the most prominent ad and it shows a picture of
>two oldsters banging into each other in the dodge em cars. One of them has
>whiplash and a neck brace and the other one has lost his false teeth and
>his hearing aid has popped out and got run over. And another oldster in
>back is saying, "If you've suffered an injury in the dodge em cars, call
>the attorneys at Rosenberg Rosenthal Rosencrantz and Rosenwitz. We have a
>combined hundred years experience in ambulance chasing."
>
>This is just the latest episode in the ongoing adventures of the
>Almeister, the machinations of Fluffster and Company and the
>Goose-Stepping Geriatric Gestapo Neighborhood Watch Asssociation. It
>almost sounds like a TV show.
>
>MORE ON
>www.almartinraw.com
COMING SOON: An actual unretouched photograph of the Fluffster complete
with his Commie red collar and his Chinese Commie green ID tag.
More information about the Testlist
mailing list