one cool thing about the second chapter of that cult book is how the
   author, just like me, had to struggle so hard to just read single lines
   of non-cult things they wanted to read.
   and then they learned to read pages. and to demonstrate comprehension
   of what was on the pages.
   and then they got a degree in psychology.
   i've been trying for some time to relearn to write code, but i'm
   thinking maybe i can go about it other ways, inspired by this story. i
   still want to try to do the random writes thing. i found an interesting
   step for me is to reorganize my audio dataformat to be more flexible.
   there are other approaches too.
   another thing, talking with my therapist, one thing he says is kinda
   like "so what if it is scary, so what if you have a psychotic break, so
   what if you perceive yourself as damaging your cognition?" and there
   are pros and cons to that idea, as i have experienced cognitive damage
   in my opinion, when i've pushed myself too hard to go against my grain,
   and i have various stories and patterns around that that i haven't
   found an ear for yet: but regarding pros, it opens up another space
   where one can try things from a place of increased potential for
   insanity. and if you know the things really well, and have gotten them
   really simple, then you can maybe do them without going insane in those
   more edgy spaces. just ideas, but i get the impression they might be
   near mainstream stuff.
   so i was thinking like:
   - practicing smaller parts of the work. just keeping at it. like in the
   book how the guy relearned to read.
   - studying computer science. algorithm theory, proofs. i never studied
   much of this cause i learned so young i didn't really need a degree.
   - trying to figure out patterns in the work that can help one engage it
   when more dissociated i.e. that just make it simpler
   basically, relearning it, as if one is an idiot and never knew it. i
   may be "an idiot" you never know for certain right [and may even
   demonstrate some things clearly]?
   and kind of finding ways maybe to sustain energy on it that somehow
   develops, in ways that work.
   the difference between me and what the author wrote is that i have
   psychotic breaks, dyskinesia, amnesia, etc etc when i focus hard on
   [things i want to focus on]. so i take it a little carefully and have
   coping strategies like posting to this list as a way to hold some.