It has been a long, weary battle to exterminate the PGP web of trust,
   but it has nearly concluded.
   The first step was to make it nearly impossible for people to use pgp.
   Many of our soldiers lost their lives in battles against user interface
   developers and alternative standardisations.  Luckily, this phase of
   the war was won, and pop was only ever used by trackable nerds and
   professionals.
   The second phase of the war was to prison keysigning parties.  Although
   we were extensively delayed by the deception of labeling a military
   conference a "party", after a few bombings we managed to make these
   parties seem boring and bland even to those actually interested in
   secret communication.
   The third phase was deployment of various forms of disruption of
   keyservers.  We spread rumors that it was the use of servers that
   compromised people's privacy, rather than their personal choice of
   associating their legal name with their email address.  We produced
   fake keys that sounded legit, and signed them with extensive fake
   signatures with fake timestamps, and then publicised these through
   spies to spread worry.  We spammed keys with signatures and uploaded
   them to the servers en masse, to lay seige to the supply lines of this
   enemy.
   The fourth and final phase was coronavirus.  By breaking all the
   signing parties up, we could mitm all their communications, and prevent
   them from forming plans to attack our borders.  In the confusion we
   wrought by disrupting their communications, we were able to cut people
   off from the terrorrism of pgp altogether.
   Debian is shifting to use a tool from bsd, who trusted us from the
   start.
   The seeds we have planted will grow a beautiful nation of people who
   trust only us, and never their friends.
   The preceding paragraphs are shared in sarcasm.  It is horrible to lose
   pgp, it means whoever is the best at hacking your isps controls the
   world, and nobody knows for sure who that is.