--

   Additionally Karl loves the outdoors and spent years training to live
   outdoors [go away mc!!!!!!!] so that he could spend his life

   So when I express this, prior to the [], I experienced strong urge to
   send me outdoors as I wanted.  But the behaviors associated didn't
   include all the cognitive and physical parts of that, sending me
   outside without preparation or relation to anything else going on.
   I do strongly appreciate the pressure to go outside, and would like to
   be there now.  When I am outside I experience increased torment, with
   pressure to go back inside.  It is unpleasant to move inside and
   outside back and forth.  Don't get me wrong I love _moving my body_ etc
   which is great. But I do not love experiencing cognitive torment such
   as amnesia, visions of physical torture, and convulsing muscles.
   The pressure to go outside acts on my goals and plans, which is great,
   but doesn't address any of the existing patterns.  So it is asking me
   to figure out on my own how to resist all the patterns pressuring me to
   stay inside.
   I have ways of doing that sometimes, but they involve amnesia and
   complex internal planning and they put my areas of cognition at risk
   (and my ability to deter psychotic breaks and times of abject terror or
   suffering) if I don't have sufficient time to heal and prepare between
   them.