Morning Spam

[Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many]

i managed to get up from a torture dream just now.
the end of the dream a big guy who was hunting me had entered a
bathroom where i was locked in to hide, as if we were now both locked
in together, and he started pooping in me. he was so big this was easy
for him.
the pooping was very vivid, like one of those dreams where everything
is super sharp. it made incredibly loud farting noises, with phase
offsets between the ears like surround sound, farting and pooping
falling around and over me. this was my whole experience during the
nightmare.

when it got that intense i realised it was another experience of
severe humiliation while being crippled and blamed, and dissociated as
i normally do. i chat with the dream as if somebody is torturing me. i
try to imag8ne they are my friend, i believe this,

i usually interpret the dreams as trying to discourage real-world
behaviors, this interpretation is psychotic, but reflects past
experiences of mine, the dreams can often express that i know wha5 it
is about, to not play dumb. it’s really flashbacky.

the torture experiences jn the dreams are really really severe,
they’re diverse and go on for a long time, and will change themselves
up to stay surprising. i am often physically maimed, forced to
mutilate others, etc etc, for a long time in a way that sticks with me
and echos intensely, all while having overarching feelings of me being
worthless and having brought this on myself somehow. what’s hard to
convey and realise is that these dreams alone would drive anybody
insane.

_these dreams alone would obviously break anybody’s mind_

i give a lot of reasons to explain being insane. i remind myself of
difficult experiences in the past. but it’s hard to remember that it’s
just obvious.

-

one of the things i noticed, feeling with my dream a little, and the
dream didn’t want to share this, is that it’s hard to punish somebody
without result. i was thinking of writing about a torturer in mcboss’s
lair, who is tasked by a computer to break somebody’s legs more and
more until they walk in circles all night. the idea is that they
figure out to force themselves to walk even though their legs are
broken, and that this traumatic experience shocks them so much that
they immediately obey everything after it. the computer has found that
this has worked reliably with other employees, and so the torturer is
tasked with making it work with this one.

but, this individual ‘s legs became broken so severely, they couldn’t
walk no matter how hard they wanted to. unfortunately, the computer
had no experience with that situation, and kept having the torturer
break, mutilate, and stimulate pain in the legs of the employee, more
and more and more, assuming that eventually they would comply and walk
in circles all night, in whatever creative way they came up with.

this was hard for the torturer, as well as the employee: and of course
the employee lost their mind and died, but the torturer had to
dissociate too. they stopped viscerally understanding that the torture
had a reason, and just came to this person’s cubicle every day, to
bust their legs up, for no reason at all.