[ot][spam][crazy] Going Outdoors was: Describing One's Experiences As Abuse

[Undiscussed Horrific Abuse, One Victim of Many]

following day 2022-05-13 0249 ET

I found a way to spend some more time indoors but sadly ended up sleeping
indoors.

I had a nightmare where local activists set off a grenade at a community
event, like a farmer's market or something. The kind of activists who would
support a farmer's market, not harm it.

Nightmares like that are hard for me. It's been some time since I remember
having one, usually I forget them.

They're hard for me party because they build really strong fears and
suspicions in me. Parts of me start thinking the activists or people like
them could be violent terrorists, and I develop dislike and suspicion of
them. Other parts of me start thinking that if I want to support local
events, maybe grenades are related somehow. Both of these are very scary
thoughts for me.

The dream was really vivid, and after waking I imagined myself being
harshly accused of being a terrorist, exerting violence at a community
event. When I have such imaginings it is dangerous for me, because I can
develop worse habits of self-punishment and self-harm.

Mostly I just feel a lot of fear. Such is nightmares.

My therapist had a piece of paper with my email address handwritten on it.
At the end of the therapy, he ripped it up into pieces in front of me.

This was hard for my value of preservation.
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