[ot][personal] life

[Undiscussed Horrific Abuse, One Victim of Many]

somebody sent me a personal story

they had maybe shared it a lot; the font changed in the email like it could
have had a copy paste going on

it was emotional, it sounded real

it's been a long time since i've held real emotions

I feel like crying, reading their story. I barely comprehend that I feel
like crying.

feeling well up in me, and reach that break in my mind. it's been a long
time now, and my body seems to know how to hold feelings a little. just a
little.

I know my mind will break if I feel them too much. something that has
happened so much.

it's so real.

I miss life.

what happened to us is so horrible. but maybe it is just another one of
those horrors of the world. it can feel like the worst thing ever, the most
intense thing ever. our brains are capable of holding that such things are
extreme. but maybe it is just another of those experiences.

this person, they talked so clearly, they seemed able to hold their
feelings so fully.

I miss feelings.

I used to be a very empathic person, in some ways. I always thought and
said, when somebody else had a feeling, it would be 3 or 10 time as strong
to me as feelings of my own. but I was on the autism spectrum, a nerd often
not attending to others, and I wouldn't always notice other people's
feelings, despite caring for them so very much. I imagine many others have
had that experience.

my feelings guided me throughout my life, and this always seemed to work
well for me, when I had them. I found that by listening to and attending to
my feelings, I could help others, that these feelings were like a secret
way to interconnect with everything, and share deep appreciation. sometimes
it could seem almost telepathic. but still it was hard to move past my
selfish habits.

now with my mind and heart broken in that psychotic, dissociative way, no
treatment, no understanding, no logs ... things are so different. I feel
barely human.

humanity still exists out there, though.

humanity is so real.

holding these feelings from this email I received, I don't know what to do.

it used to be you could enter a community -- any community -- and share
care with people's feelings, and this caringness would grow. a sense of
connection and trust, and quickly we would be working together on things we
all cared about.

this seems no longer the case. my emails to join mailing lists bounce until
my amnesia around why I am even joining them is stronger than much else
about them. I post psychotically, disrepute and disrespect myself and
others. the things I read on this list make little sense to me, as the
things I post.

these exchanges from the heart, in this personal email, seem like they
broke through this effective censorship.

I have not read an email like that in years.

I do not expect to read one like that again, for years, but you never know.

Here is one for you. I'm sorry it is shallow. Finding my feelings is like
fishing determinedly for a lost ring. The largest bass in the lake, but
rings do not bite very readily.

honestly being brainwashed makes me want to scream like heck when I try to
feel about it, and when I consider things like that the screaming becomes a
way to influence and control me for the parts of me that learned to obey.
it seems pathetic.

yet this email I received was shared from a place of hope.

Hope is something I know and trust very well. I do not believe in real
failure, real ends. Only short term

Reincarnation is derivable from the nurture side of "nature vs nurture".
History repeats itself: so we do, too.

When I imagine hope for my mind, heart, spirit ... it is not something I
know readily how to imagine. I also don't often imagine hope for those
communities we are destroying in our work of sharing right wing memes,
something I do as well, somewhat subtly. I mean that seriously. I know
genocide is caused by this work.

But I imagine strong hope for us, for life, and for things being made right
in the end. I do not waver in my belief that what is right will come
through.

I spoke with a religious teacher once (at a Jain temple) who helped me hold
hope for my soul.

I know emotions we share publicly can severely endanger our freedoms. I
have done this already, and am not scared for myself here.

If you are going to mind control me with your heart, I would far prefer
this to the other options.

Be well.

Be nourished, and be very well.
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