[ot][spam][crazy] The Trials of Controlling a Programmer

[dal at riseup.net]

Hi Karl (cc: cypherpunks list),

Nah, I don't want to die. My scared comes and goes in waves, partly in
relation to sleep and in relation to keeping track of my self-care,
checking off that I am taking my medicine appropriately in consulation
with my doctor appropriately et cetera. I have been doing that quite
well lately.

Things are actually improving overall and I am gaining a better,
holistic view of what is going on, and I don't want to miss that
especially as I am developing better strategies currently as the days
roll on for protecting myself and those I care about such as, old
fashioned but, my family.

I don't feel hopeless. It's just scared and confusion which turns into
guilt and after a while a need to lash out but I have been getting
better at, instead of lashing out, doing something that doesn't hurt
anyone, say for instance punching a pillow when no one is looking (cuz
that might scare them!). It's tough to figure out good rituals for all
that but my favorite is just writing down each morning using "I"
statements three things I am grateful for and doing the same practice in
the evenings.

I think some of my experiences are a bit spiritual in nature and I
prefer to keep those to myself but it is difficult with the lack of
privacy. And I hate psychiatric hospitals because they use a lot of
confinement and unjust control of people. I have some good ideas about
where I should go from here, but I need to remember to take it slow and
careful and drink enough water, get enough sleep, ya know, the basics.

Thanks for emailing, and happy cypherpunking, y'all,

Doug