[joke][spam][wrong][crazy] How To MITM Cryptographers

Karl gmkarl at gmail.com
Sun Dec 12 15:53:48 PST 2021


This email is a _joke_.  It is _not_ serious advice.  If you find
yourself in this situation and in need of advice please review
Restorative Justice.  Then review it again.  Then look at
Transformative Mediation.  Thank you.

-

So, you've taken over the world with an army of mind controlled
cyborgs, and are intercepting all communications so as to fully direct
the lines of dictators?  You're hoping to build the Matrix, where
everybody is in a fake simulation of their life, rather than real one?
 But you've run into this problem that some people use PGP signatures,
making it incredibly hard to mutate their communications!  Never fear!
 There are many options.

Option 1: Use fake PGP keys.

PGP is confusing.  Very, very confusing.  Especially for AIs that have
taken over the world, governments and security organisations with
incredible budges, and drone hives that can freely churn out as many
slaves as they want.  PGP is very confusing, but never fear!  There
are a number of cryptopeeps who just _love_ to use PGP and are
_yearning_ to use it.  Here's what you do:

- Tell the PGP hackers that you have a secret mission for them, and
welcome them into an elite hacker club.
- Tell them there are horrible terrorists that you need to stop.  Do
_not_ tell them that these 'terrorists' are their friends.  Keep that
a secret.
- Have them write MITM software to generate fake PGP keys and resign
messages in transit.
- Make sure the software changes any PGP fingerprints that might be
encountered, to be the fake ones instead.

Now, it used to be that this could get dicey when people physically
meet to exchange keys, but luckily now everybody does everything
online, so you can intercept people's plans to meet.  In order to
build trust, make sure to agree to meet up for keysigning parties as
frequently as you can, but make sure everybody goes to their, own,
individual, personalised keysigning party, filled with mind controlled
cyborg drones instead of other hackers.

At each fake keysigning party, have the mind controlled cyborg drones
exchange fake contact information and key fingerprints, and make sure
to have there be a drone for each contact the target believes they
have on the internet.  Make sure the fingerprint and key given to the
target match the ones used to intercept their communications online.
If you have trouble with this, explain about terrorism again to your
PGP hackers, and have them review your plans.

If your target asks one of your cyborg drones about the slavery
circuitry hanging out of their brain, get the drone to start talking
about the metaverse with excitement, until the target changes the
topic.

Option 2: Mutate the text in the sending or receiving devices.

Given you have an army of nanites that has infested every possible
private crevice of the world, you have almost certainly gained access
to every digital device.  Another option for mutating signed messages
is to do it _on_ the devices where they are sent or received.  In
fact, this may come very easily to you, as if it just makes total
sense.

Rather than making the signatures be correct, here, if you happen to
be doing the mutation on the receiving device, it is _much_ easier to
simply alter the behavior of the signature verification system to
report correctness without regard to the content.  Then you can throw
all that silly cryptomath out the window and just do plain old normal
lying to people and saying that you are their friends.

Now, sometimes people do something that makes it a little bit harder
to compromise their system.  Like, say they use a weird version of
windows or something.  Luckily, every communication channel has two
ends!  You can do the mutation at the sender's end, or at the
recipient's end.   If at the sender's end, simply mutate the message
before it is signed, and then the signature will be correct!

If two people who are irritating to compromise the systems of try to
communicate, just block their communications and everything will sort
itself out.  If they complain, deny it and point to all the other
great working communications, and recommend that they both switch to
systems that are easier to compromise.  Their obscure systems are
clearly the cause of their communication problem.

Option 3: Mind control, murder, imprison, or drive insane everyone who
knows about PGP.

Believe it or not, very few people know that cryptography is used for
_messaging_!  Most people think it is a money nowadays, instead of a
way to communicate.  The set of people who remember that you can send
messages that are harder to intercept is getting smaller every day.

Cryptographers are lonely people who sit in shielded rooms encrypting
and signing messages with oodles of meaningless math, just waiting and
hoping that somebody would exchange numbers with them.  If you ask one
of these cryptographers to help teach you cryptography, they will
almost certainly jump on the opportunity with gusto!  Tell them to
meet you at the gas chamber to help you figure out how to generate a
private key.

Option 4: Convince everybody that their email is already
cryptographically signed.

Whelp, that's how far I got.  This could be done better, but it's got
some stuff.


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