[ot][crazy][random][wrong] self-description

[Karl]

I'm presently having one of those bursts of craziness that often results in
weird fiction or other nonsense.

It's kind of like some of the parts in me have urgently come together to
say that whatever I am doing, it is the wrong thing to do.  At weaker
periods in my life I would be on a trip to a hospital, but I don't really
do that any more (knock on wood).

The urges enjoy things that I consider very bad ideas.  Aggressive
behaviors, etc etc.  Especially ones that might harm me or things I care
about.

I think of my mind using private terms like 'axes' and 'dimensions' that
relate to different ways I have of thinking, considering, being, etc.  At
these times often we have a little 'emergency' direction to handle things
with.  The 'Boss' stories were a little bit like one of those, but not
really with me that involved in them.

I probably spam this list because it's a resource.  Not really sure.

--

Now i've hit what I call 'level 2', where my coping patterns for managing
my behavior have gotten grabbed by the upset urges.  I keep the coping
patterns in layers, for emergencies, so that I have options as things
develop.  But most of these experiences, such as this one, aren't really
emergencies.

I've been working with AI technologies a little.  Kind of a long, internal,
story.  Deepmind releases its research open source, and if you can
understand that stuff you can probably accomplish a lot in a lot of
different domains.  Things are constantly developing.  Each project at
https://github.com/deepmind/deepmind-research (I think it is?) has some
pretty clear examples within its subfolder.  The commit history shows how
recent they are.  News reports elsewhere show how interesting they are, I
suppose.

Meanwhile I tried to cobble together https://github.com/xloem/codesynth
(see "wip" branch for latest work) to collect code generating language
models together.  It's likely on hold right now; I can barely touch this
stuff, like most stuff I focus on.  It's based on huggingface's
transformers work.  Try to link it into https://github.com/ycm-core/ycmd (I
think it is?) to make an autocompleting code editor.

---

Okay, that actually reduced 'level 2' a little bit, which is rare.

I posted earlier the importance of the meaning of what happens to us and
our communities: it is far worse elsewhere.  I really believe in the
importance of honoring that, and it seems very hard.

A psychiatrist once theorised that I have bursts of microseizures
throughout my brain.  It would cause me something like that to try to
measure whether it is true, but I think of it a lot.  It's like these
bundles of "energy" that travel through me and take over parts of me: my
muscles, my focuses, my feelings, etc etc etc.  In waves.  I have options
to manage and direct them, but they can get unmanagably strong.

I saw in Snowden's movie that he has untreated seizures too, which is
cool.  I don't believe the movie in general of course.

-----

Hoooooly frack.   Holy frack.  Holy frack.  Holy frack.

I wrote this on my computer a lot earlier.  It applies again now.  It's
easier to post to the list than write to the computer.

-----

I have other neurological symptoms than just this.  Some of the nerves have
wired together to my hands such that I can't move all my fingers
independently, nor put my hands in certain postures.  I have similar things
throughout my experience (of nerves wired together that shouldn't be), but
I talk about the hands because it's really clear to demonstrate to a
doctor.  "I can do this with this hand, my other hand does this instead"
... it's weird because i've been a pianist, a guitarist, and a software
developer, for most of my life, so I used to be really pretty incredible
with my hands.

It's harder to get treated for neurological issues after getting radiation
treatment for cancer.  They always want to blame the radiation treatment.
The issues started prior to that, but they weren't there, then.  Regardless
I did eventually pursue the hand thing a little -- it involves seeing
specialists for that specific area of the body -- and it was traced to a
specific nerve.  Unfortunately insurance pans out there, because there's no
known treatment for issues with that nerve.  Additionally, the doctor was a
couple states distant.

But mostly I haven't hunted that down to follow through because it 'feels'
like 'stopping mind control'.  'Mind control' is unfortunately a story that
part of me believes is the reason for my issues.  That part of me acts to
stop me from helping myself, blaming that phrase for its behavior.
Learning that some people are abusively hypnotised to have that experience
has helped me process it.

The normal route is antipsychotics and time, I believe, for experiences
like that.  I have had difficulty pursuing that route.  Similar to the
difficulty I have with everything else.

-----

The -- whoopsie, amnesia.

-----

With the amnesia, maybe I can get back to level 1, find a task, keep
going.  The 'seizury' things tend to spread great tension, possibly
traumatic fear, onto my various behaviors, so it can be hard to find ones
that don't just restimulate them, afterwards.  But I have a number of
approaches to do just that.  It's easiest if I can find a task that is
different, in a couple ways, from my previous task.  Especially if the
parts I have the strongest tension around are different.

I'd kind of feel safer with a non-AI task, but my parts aren't so sure
about this.  Given my severe difficulty accomplishing absolutely anything
at all, the parts value AI because it's the biggest, most powerful, set of
prosthetic training wheels.  Progress made in the most general software can
be reused in the most general situations.  It's a good investment.  So time
is regularly spent glancing at AI, which then often produces quick
freakouts from the stopping pattern, which can freak out in proportion to
how much power it imagines me getting.

------

Another thing I've found is cryptocurrency investment.  I used to play with
cryptocurrency before my life turned upside down.  Made money on mt gox
back when you could predict the market pretty accurately just by looking at
the order table.  Now it's been years of struggle to just brush against
cryptocurrency.  Projects to make a trading bot filled with tracks of
sudden disruption.

I've been using commercial trading bots on an asian exchange.  They are
very crippled.  I don't why such things are so hard to find, and so very
crippled, but maybe it's business agreements?  It's probably the same
reason that wall st used to be inaccessible to the nonwealthy, I suppose.

Anyway, using these bots makes a strange result in my patterns.  The
confused parts of me, still trying to complete a basic trading bot or
somehow feel that i'm worthy enough to exchange money, are partly satisfied
by this, and I'm not really working on a bot any more, at this time.
Meanwhile the other parts seem satisfied that i'm not making money very
reliably, and that a company is in control of it if I do.

Note: mention trading bot company so others can try.

I found it from a ridiculous pump chat.  And, i've been talking to chat
spammers a little.  They can be reasonable people.

-----

Bit of amnesia again.  Had some more content.  Maybe i'll just sit here for
a bit.

-----

I've been pretty successful at being outdoors at this point.  But my
pattern for laying down and freaking out isn't sure what to do.  Maybe the
environments are unfamiliar?  Hmmmm.

Here in the truck, i'm worried I could hurt myself.  There are possessions
scattered around I could damage, and hard objects I could hit my head on.
I have a helmet, though, that I could wear.

Outside, I think i'm worried that it would rain on me and get the stuff in
my pockets -- papers, cell phone[s], wallet -- wet and damaged.  In the
past I would use plastic bags for this.  I'm also worried I could get very
cold.  When I 'freak out' I can enter a state where I can't really walk for
a number of hours.  The weather's been warm, but waking up at 4am with
difficult moving and without preparation for sleeping outdoors can seem
concerning.  I do have warm bedding.

I use a word "resonance" for how patterns latch onto things they share
mutual benefit with.  I see vibration in the behaviors of autonomous
processes, and I think the word "frequency" that plays out in how something
as complex as a brain can have spectral peaks that contain real meaning on
an EEG, is because of this "resonance" between neurons in circuits in the
brain.  Life has cycles, and these cycles mutualize, like insects
pollinating flowers in those days of the year that they are open.

I think my "freaking out" patterns have been resonating with my "going
indoors" patterns.  It's harder to put the helmet on -- I haven't been
doing that recently.  It's harder to freak out in my sleeping bag -- it's
easier to freak out with support of the "going indoors" pattern.  Do I even
need to freak out?  Hmmmm I may.

-----

Taking a break.  Breathing.  Maybe we can get out of "level 1" and have
some normalish level of behavior control.

-----

My helmet is here.  Maybe I won't "freak out" , maybe I will, but I can lay
down a little.
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