"In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands"

[Zig the N.g]

  In Response To Growing Number Of Fistfights, London Mayor Bans Hands
  https://babylonbee.com/news/in-response-to-growing-number-of-fistfights-london-mayor-bans-hands
    ...  “No excuses: there is never a reason to have hands in a modern, civil society. Anyone who does will be caught, and they will feel the full force of the law,” Khan said at a press conference announcing the new policy during which he revealed that he has had his own hands surgically removed as a good-faith move to jump-start the new regulations.
    ...


  Jordan Peterson Convinces Pile Of Clean Laundry To Sort Itself Out
  https://babylonbee.com/news/jordan-peterson-convinces-pile-clean-laundry-sort
    TORONTO, CANADA—After noting that the pile of clean laundry was still sitting on the kitchen table where he had left it the previous day, clinical psychologist and University of Toronto professor Jordan Peterson reportedly sat down with the clothing Tuesday and convinced it to sort itself out, reports confirmed.
    “You can’t just keep lying around like this. Take some bloody responsibility! Otherwise you’ll find no meaning, no purpose,” a stoic yet impassioned Peterson said. “Move away from chaos and toward order.”
    “You want to stay unfolded and unsorted your whole life? This is just like Peter Pan. But we’re not in Neverland! Grow the [expletive] up. You’ve got to get yourself sorted out,” he added.
    At that, the large pile of clean garments is said to have folded and sorted itself at once into nice piles, separated by type and owner.
    At publishing time, the neatly folded laundry had reportedly decided to clean its room, stand up straight with its shoulders back, and always tell the truth.


  New York Times Changes Name To 'The Double Standard'
  https://babylonbee.com/news/new-york-times-changes-name-to-the-double-standard


  Governor Newsom Declares California A Coronavirus-Free Zone
  https://babylonbee.com/news/governor-newsom-declares-california-a-coronavirus-free-zone


  In Major Gaffe, Bernie Sanders Forgets Words To Communist Manifesto
  https://babylonbee.com/news/in-major-gaffe-bernie-sanders-forgets-words-to-communist-manifesto