The Last Shall Be First - TSOB

Carlos Hernandez joestrange at
Wed Jul 1 04:43:17 PDT 2020

THE TRUE STORY OF BITCOIN     by Totoshi    Last Alleged Chapter
[WAS:  Alleged Last Chapter] [!WAS: eWe Know It Never *Really* Ends, Don't
[WAS!WAS: Crap, Looks Like This Is Going To Be A Long One...]

To: "Trei, Peter" <ptrei at>
Subject: Re: DoD orders vendors to use Key "Recovery"
From: Alan Olsen <alan at>
Date: Fri, 08 May 1998 20:49:52 -0700

Toto began counting on his fingers.  "Twenty-two" said Bubba Rom DOS.
"What?"  Toto looked confused.
 "Twenty-two years since 1998,"  Adam Back confirmed, after checking his
slide rule, adding,
"and the Key Grabbers are saddled up again, and ready to ride." He shared
the URL...
Toto slipped into a telephone booth cleverly disguised as a service station
restoom that really,
really needed cleaning, and emerged wearing a tattered old SuperMan costume
that had been
modified to befit "!!! The World's Greatest Hacker !!!" as the emblem
proudly proclaimed.
Tim C. May shook his head and muttered, "Wishful thinking."
Toto ignored the senile old fart and declared, "Being as how 'The Game' is
once again 'A Foot'
( or 15 inches, if you are a True CypherPunk ) and I am in Stage 4 of
Kidney Failure ( no sympathy,
please, he is still drinking a half-bottle of Pepe Lopez Tequila every day
) and am unlikely to
make it to the final (Jim) Bell, it is time to pass on my WGH legacy to
others, that they may
continue to fight the GooDog Battle.
"I am about to reveal TheSecret that makes me The World's Greatest
"But *first*..."
Discussion on   12 comments
Can Clues to Bitcoin’s Earliest Mysteries Be Found in a Cryopreserved Brain?
Robyn Steele  2 years ago
"Maybe Satoshi is Sara Lee. Her pies are in the frozen food section...
Realizing that Toto was once again about to go off on a tangent and spew
out an interminably
long, semi-senseless sentence containing a diatribe of dualities...
"Oh, crap!" Bubba realized, "Now I'm doing that myself."

Dale Thorn's alter-ego, the irresistably unattractive soul-mate of Satoshi,
Ataka Dawn, turned
to everyone present, and cut to the chase.
"Toto, along with a few select others, is The World's Greatest Hacker
because he quite simply
realizes that the InFallible Flaw in all computer systems and operating
systems is:
(Drum Roll..)

"Precisely!" Toto exclaimed, coming back to the discussion at hand.  "I had
a thousand ways
of hacking into a system just because every time I tried to recreate my
previous hacking
successes, I turned out to be too stupid and scatterbrained to remember
what I had done
the *last* time.  That's why I was forced to be a *genius* and figure out a
*new* way to
hack a system...every damn time!"
"So the proof of your 'genius' is your 'stupidity.' came the cold, icy
voice of Hal Funny.  "Let
me write that down, so I don't forget it.  And btw, I didn't appreciate
that 'Sara Lee' crack,
you fucking AssHole."
"Yeah," replied Toto, "I was going to explain that in a previous chapter
when I talked about the
'thing' you know?  The Intel stuff.  The 'virus'...uh 'thing.'"  Toto
continued, trying to remember
if he was running for the presidency or for the Senate.  "I am *not* Joe
Biden!" he suddenly
shouted and then grew quietly contemplative.

"I am not Toto," Eric Hughes broke in, "like most of you here in these
insane diatribes, who
are merly splinters of his seriously fractured Persona.  So let me explain
this from a perspective
of someone who doesn't have their head halfway up TheAuthor's butt.
"Software is *communication* matter what operating system or which
hardware it is
working with...nothing, I repeat, *nothing* gets done or accomplished
without there being
*communication* between software and software, software and hardware,
hardware and
"Attila T. Hun" he continued "noted that 'There is no safety this side of
the grave' and he was
talking both about life and about the whole myriad of cryptography and
privacy discussions
that took place on the CypherPunks Disturbed Male Lisp."

Tim May recognized that Eric Hughes was beginning to 'drift' and picked up
the discussion, in
terms of hardware.
"The 'virus thing' that Toto aka 'Uncle Joe' was referring to in regard to
Intel was a hardware
flaw that  Meltdown and Spectre attacks took advantage of.  It was indeed a
matter of the
different components of hardware needing to 'communicate' with one another
and 'bad
actors' managing to figure out how to listen in on and sometimes
participate in those internal
"Attila T. Hun, aka Dr. Daniel Flickinger, became a *pioneer* in recording
technology by taking
a handful of disparate 'parts' designed to enable aircraft to fly and using
their 'communications'
abilities to speak to musicians and sound engineers in a totally new
hardware language.
"Attila," he continued, "recognized that there 'is no *true* safety' to be
had in *any* technology
because the very principles he was using to *broadcast* electronic
technology to *everybody*
were the same hardware principles that were being used to produce 'private'
and 'secure'
hardware and software communications within electronic devices and on the
And May have added, "It's kind of like the Conga Drum Conundrum where you
want to hide
something where no one will think to look, but the minute you think of a
place, it has been
thought of, already..."

Toto said, "Crap!  That's where I put it..." and got up and walked over to
his Conga Drum,
turning it over and pulling out a cracked, dusty old Bong.

John Gilmore broke in at this point and declared, "Any sufficiently
developed technology is
indistinguishable from magic!"
Everyone present rolled their eyes.
"Wait!" Gilmore, corrected himself, "That's not mine!"
He thought for a second...  "Oh yeah!  The InterNet interprets censorship
as damage and
routes around it!"  He was proud of himself for remembering who he was and
what he
had actually said.  Damn, he was going to *win* that Senate race against

Dr.Dimitri Vulis, spotting an opening to clarify Gilmore's train of thought
while muddying the
waters, jumped in...
"John 'CockSucker' Gilmore is trying to point out that Hackers interpret
Privacy as Damage
and route around it!"
"And the only thing it takes for a young man living in his parents'
basement to become The
World's Greatest Hacker is to overcome his inherent reluctance to stop and
ask directions
when he has become lost..."  the Deranged Doctor's thought process trailed
off into

"Precisely!"  added Toto, though he had little idea of what Vulis was
talking about.  "
"Everyone in technology, in order to make a viable product that will work
in conjunction
with another product, has to engage in communication to do so.  And thus a
'web of trust'
is created...a web of 'trust' that can be 'broken'...  Producing a 'crack'
in the safety of
both products.
"Then engineers communicate with programmers, and vice versa, and with each
and with other 'experts' in their industry and with publicists and
reporters, creating a
mountain of 'cracks' in the 'saftey' of their products...cracks and holes
that need to be
patched, and filled in, completely, in order to create 'safety' and

"Then," Bubba Rom Dos interjected, much to everyone's dismay, realizing
their imaginary
safety bubble was about to burst, "after millions of dollars and hundreds
of thousands of
wo/man hours have been spent 'securing' your product and your systems to
the best of
your ability, you find out that your Head of Security has their Admin
password written
on a piece of tape on the bottom of their keyboard...
"Now *you* all know everything you need to take on the role of The World's
Hacker,"  Bubba told those assembled in TheAuthor's mind, "and you will
need to take
steps to use that knowledge to defend yourself from The World's Worst
Hacker, who,
incidentally, just left this gathering to go turn over the keyboard of your
Head of

Everyone bolted for the door as a video flashed on a giant screen above
them,  showing
BadBillyGates giving industry executives a tour of the Micro$not facilities
while one of
the younger guys on the tour turned over a keyboard behind BadBillyG and
appeared to be writing something down.

Suddenly, a pair of Block Explorer addresses flashed on the screen.  Toto
pulled them up
and turned to Totoshi, who was actually one and the same person, but they
were both
too far gone to realize it...
"Two secretly coded deposits!" he exclaimed.  One for 1.05987196 and one
for .05987196.
Now eWe will be recognized as the True One And Only Creator of BitCoin once
realizes that the transactions were sent from an original Satoshi account!"

Bubba D'Shauneaux looked at the two urls and shook his head, sadly...
"Look again, moron."  D'Shauneaux said.  "You're not're
Vitalik Buterin...that is
from the Ethereum blockchain."
"Damn!" Toto cursed.  "If I'm not Satoshi, I was at least hoping I might be
Charlie Lee...but
Vitalik Buterin?"
As Toto turned his crestfallen face to the floor, Bubba D'Shauneaux winked
at Totoshi,
knowing that they had both recognized *all* of the addresses involved in
the two
transactions.  One of the 'receiving' accounts belonged to former Federal
Bureau of Prisons
inmate # 05987-196.  The 'sending' account for that transaction belonged
to...a very
well-known billionaire.  The account that 'received' .05987196 ETH became,
in the
second transaction, the 'sending' account.  It 'sent' 1.05987196 ETH to an
that belonged to...a very well-known billionaire.
Totoshi's last missive had asked for a 'secret signal' to confirm who he
really was.  Turned out,
he 'really was' a guy who got taken to the cleaners by a
the tune of 1 ETH.

Bubba Rom DOS poured two shots of 'Bubba's Special Reserve' for
himself and one
for Charlie Lee.
"So tell me, Chuck..." Bubba said to Charlie Lee, watching closely for the
slightest hint
that would signify truth or deceit in his reply, " is it that Totoshi
foretold your
divesting yourself of all of your LiteCoin well before you actually did it
and announced
it to the world?"
Bubba knocked back his shot of J.D. Special Reserve.

"Ancient Chinese secret..." Charlie Lee replied.
He knocked back his shot of Bubba's Special Reserve Jack Daniels.

"Inscrutable MotherFucker..." Bubba mumbled into his beard as he poured two
shots into the empty glasses on the table.
Bubba was sad to see The True Story Of BitCoin narratives come to an end,
but a new
InfoWar battle was brewing, at a crucial time for privacy, freedom, the
CryptoCurrency and...well, pretty much the future of everything.

"Few understood why Toto was really imprisoned."  Bubba D'Shauneaux stated,
sitting down
at the table with Charlie Lee and Bubba Rom Dos, and setting down a third
shot glass.
"There is a reason that The True Story of the InterNet manuscripts have
virtually disappeared
from the WorldWideWeb.  It was the concept of the Army of Dog / Army of One
that struck
fear into the heart of the government, just like the Falun Gong rattled the
Chinese government."
"Julian Assange."  Charlie Lee opined.
"Edward Snowden." Bubba Rom Dos addes.
"Captain Timothy Buttons." Attila T. Hun suggested, from his place of

"The True Story of the Army of Dog:  The Rise and Fall of the Army of One"
Bubba D'Shauneaux began typing the forward to Part IV of the True Story
Those who had followed the progress from The Xenix ChainSaw Massacre
through the
WebWorld & the Mythical Circle of Eunuchs and InfoWars manuscripts had
watched as
what once had been viewed as entertaining, but ludicrous, had morphed into
a part of
our everyday reality.
Timothy C. May was once regarded as a 'crackpot' for calling for a 'reset'
of the 'hard drive'
of our world society.  Now it was being talked about in the halls of power.

"Now, as Assange’s U.S. extradition battle intensifies, the internet is
calling for the rise of cypherpunks ‚ Assange’s fellow “capable generous
men,” who exercise their power for social good to unite once again and take
up their moral duty. The future of the internet believes in Bitcoin, the
potential of this “crypto with values” to become the currency of resistance
to defend its freedom."

Addendum To The True Story of BitCoin:

Toto knocked back a shot of Pepe Lopez Tequila, knowing that Ver. 4.0 of
Kidney failure
had just become Ver. 4.01...
But what the hell, he already felt guilty about all of the 'decent' people
he had outlived.
He had already done his part in the Great Battle and he really, really
didn't want to go
back to prison, but...
"I can ask why 'somebody' isn't doing something, or I can *be*
'somebody'..." Toto said to himself, knocking back a shot of Pepe and
upgrading to Vers. 4.02.
Time to fire up the Dev.Null Server and put a call out to the troops.  Them
old InfoWars farts
must have produced a few kids by now.  Time for those Puppy Faced Pony
Soldiers to start
earning their allowance.  Hell, maybe they might even help hiim win his
Senate race...

Prologue to 'WebWorld & The Mythical Circle of Eunuchs'
The great tragedy of it, is that it didn't have to happen. Not at all...we
were warned.
And yet, still, it has come to this.
I don't know why I feel this overwhelming compulsion to go on and on about
it. I could have done something. We all could have done something.
Perhaps the final epitaph on the gravestone of Freedom will be,
"Why didn't somebody ‘do’ something?"
That seems to be the common battle-cry of the legions of humanity that have
been sucked into the vortex of the New World Order.
None of the imprisoned seem to know that the very phrase itself is
reflective of the source of their imprisonment...that this desperate cry of
anguish is in no way an antidote for the terrible disease that has
afflicted 'Liberty and Justice', and that it is, rather, merely the final
symptom of the cursed blight itself.
I can hear the rumbling of the trucks as they come up the street, and soon
I will be hearing the thumping of the jackboots storming up the staircase,
as I have heard them so many times before. But I suspect that this time,
the sound will be different, that it will have an ethereal quality about
it, one which conveys greater personal meaning than it did when I heard it
on previous occasions.
This time, they are coming for ‘me.’
My only hope is that I can find the strength of character somewhere inside
myself to ask the question which lies at the heart of why there is a 'they'
to come for me at all...why, in the end, it has finally come to this for
me, as for countless others.
The question is, in retrospect, as simple and basic as it is essential for
any who still espouse the concepts of freedom and liberty to ask themselves
upon finding themselves marveling at the outrageousness being perpetrated
upon their neighbors by 'them' 'others' 'Friends of the
The question is:
"Why didn't ‘I’ do something?"
-------------- next part --------------
A non-text attachment was scrubbed...
Name: not available
Type: text/html
Size: 18507 bytes
Desc: not available
URL: <>

More information about the cypherpunks mailing list