DEFCON On The Mat

[Odinn Cyberguerrilla]

DEFCON On The Mat
(A submittal in response to the DEFCON 22 Call for Papers)

• Presenter Information:  I am an entity, floating about.
• Presentation Information:  This is a challenge, mostly directed to the
DEFCON 22 organizers, to engage in sparring matches, one on one, with each
other, and with me, should I decide to attend.  Each match will be
refereed by someone (whoever is willing and able to call a beginning and
end to the matches and who will spend time on the mat along with two
opponents).  Each participant must begin and end each match with a bow to
their opponent.  Respect is the keyword.
• Scheduling Information:  Whenever you are up for it.
• Equipment requirements:  Your fists, feet, and sparring gear (don't
forget a protective crotch cup).  Also, bring protective headgear and a
mouthpiece.  Forearm guards, leg guards, and chest gear highly advisable. 
Booties and soft gloves are ok, but frowned upon.  Make up your own mind,
but protect your head and your middle bits.  If you have interlocking foam
squares (portable mat components), such as a bunch of SoftTiles, bring
them and help make a mat.  Don't wait for someone else to do it, just do
it.
• Speaker Bio(s):  Who said I would be speaking?  You want to speak to me,
meet me on the mat.
• Abstract:  Matches begin when random referee (whoever wants to stand in
the mat area) says "Start!" or "Begin!" or "Shi-jak!" 시작
• Outline:  Try not to bleed too much.  See detailed outline in lower
portion of this submittal.
• Supporting Files: Look around. See papers scattered on floor.
• Submission Agreements:  You agree that if you are put in a submission
hold that you will agree to never ask for submission agreements again.

Presenter Information
Primary Speaker Name:  Odinn
Primary Speaker Email Address:  odinn.cyberguerrilla at riseup.net
Primary Speaker Phone Number:  Sure, funny.
Primary Speaker postal address:  No address provided. No honorarium
requested.
Has the speaker(s) spoken at a previous DEF CON?  No.

Presentation Information
Presentation Title:  DEFCON On The Mat
Is there a demonstration? Yes.
Are you releasing a new tool? Please.
Are you releasing a new exploit? That depends on what happens to you
during the match.
Is there audience participation? Audience not participating in matches or
persons who come without required gear must remain outside of match area.
Length of presentation? Could be an hour. Could be longer.  Up to you.
Are you currently submitting this topic to any other conferences held
prior to DEF CON 22?  No.
Are you submitting to Black Hat USA? No.
Has this presentation been given or accepted to any other venue or
conference? No.

Is your ability or willingness to speak predicated on your talk being
accepted at Black Hat USA? No.

Scheduling
Is there a specific day or time by which you must present?  No.

Equipment needs & special requests:
-All the wireless internet I need and desire
-Some kind of technically competent helper human to help me connect my
Palm-powered Tungsten T to the Internet.  It has Palm OS 5, a TI OMAP 144
MHz processor, and bluetooth, so maybe you can make it work.
-Drinks, such as vodka and also water, if you have it.  It must be clean
water, though.
-Some kind of good food that is not rotten.  Pears and bananas are nice. 
Hamburgers are good.
-Please do not claim that someone stole your forearm guards or demand to
use someone else's chest piece.  You are responsible for your own gear. No
whining.
-Take your hits without crying out in pain, it doesn't look well to be
moaning and groaning when you have previously agreed to a match and have
entered upon the mat willingly.
-Thoughtful conversation
-Respect
-If I decide to come, you will pay for all my goodies and not attempt to
charge me anything for attending.  Failure to comply with this special
request will result in chaos

Will you require more than 1 LCD projector feed? No.

Will you require a white board? No
Are there any other special equipment needs that you will require?
If you have SoftTiles that are interlocking please bring them, they make
nice mat material.
I would like you to bring some concrete blocks.  If you have them lying
around or can get them easily, maybe 8 or 10 of them.  However, they need
to be the kind without rebar in them as they will probably all get broken
in a demonstration.  Also bring pencils or chopsticks so we can put those
between the blocks while the blocks are waiting to be broken.  Best blocks
are 4" standard concrete blocks or 8" standard concrete blocks.  Thank you
Also, I like hamburgers.

Speaker Bio(s):
I am a fellow human.  As an entity, floating about, I am happy to be here
with you and share your experiences, fantasies, delusions, etc.  Thank
you.  Blessings.

Abstract:
Meh.  Get to the mat.

Detailed Outline:
1) Get your gear on
2) Line up in orderly way and proceed to mat
3) When it is your turn to go, step onto the mat, bow to your opponent,
and wait for the referee to say "Start!" or "Begin!" or "Shi-ha" or
something that indicates the match has begun.
4) Fight.
5) The referee (random participant who decides to ref) will time the
match, at most two rounds of a minute each.  At end of first round you get
a break of about 30 seconds.  Referee decides when break begins and ends.
6) Referee notes second round is over.  It is not necessary for referee to
say whether or not someone has "won."  It is about respect.
7) Both match participants bow to each other, shake hands, and leave the mat.

Grant of Copyright Use
I warrant that the above work has not been previously published elsewhere,
or if it has, that I have obtained permission for its publication by DEF
CON Communications, Inc. and that I will promptly supply DEF CON
Communications, Inc. with wording for crediting the original publication
and copyright owner. If I am selected for presentation, I hereby give DEF
CON Communications, Inc. permission to duplicate, record and redistribute
this presentation, which includes, but is not limited to, the conference
proceedings, conference CD, video, audio, and hand-outs to the conference
attendees for educational, on-line, and all other purposes.

Terms of Speaking Requirements
1) I will submit a completed presentation, a copy of the tool(s) and/or
code(s), and a reference to all of the tool(s), law(s), Web sites and/or
publications referenced to at the end of my talk and as described in this
CFP submission for publication on the conference CD by 12:00 noon PST,
July 15, 2014.

(Irrelevant)

2) I will submit a final Abstract and Biography for the DEF CON website
and Printed Conference Materials by 12:00 noon PST, June 20, 2014.

(Maybe)

3) I understand if I fail to submit a completed presentation by July 15,
2014, I may be replaced by an alternate presentation or may forfeit my
honorarium. This decision will be made by DEF CON and I will be informed
in writing of my status.

(I don't want an honorarium)

4) I will include a detailed bibliography as either a separate document or
included within the presentation of all resources cited and/or used in my
presentation.

(I'll think about it)

5) I will complete my presentation within the time allocated to me - not
running over, or excessively under the time allocation.

(Yes)

6) I understand that DEF CON will provide 1 LCD projector feed, 2 screens,
microphones, wired and/or wireless Internet. I understand that I am
responsible for providing all other necessary equipment, including laptops
and machines (with VGA output), to complete my presentation.

(mmkay)

7) If applicable, I will submit within 5 days of the completion of the
conference any updated, revised or additional presentation(s) or materials
that were used in my presentation but not included on the conference CD or
conference proceedings.

(mmkay)

Terms of Speaking Remuneration
1) I understand that I will be responsible for my own hotel and travel
expenses.

(That's not exactly what I had in mind, but....)

2) I understand that DEF CON will issue one $300 payment per presentation.

(sigh)

3) I understand that I may receive payment on-site at the conference. If
not, I must provide a valid name and postal mail address so that payment
may be mailed. Payment will be made in form of corporate check. In some
rare cases, you may be required to complete a W8 (Non-U.S. Citizen) or W9
(U.S. Citizen) before payment is issued.

(right, fine)

4) I understand that I will be paid 30 days from the end of the
conference, after I have completed my presentation. I may choose to waive
my $300 speaking fee in exchange for 3 DEF CON Human badges.

(I don't want a speaking fee and I don't want your badges)

5) I understand that should my talk be determined to be unsuitable (e.g. a
vendor or sales pitch, a talk on the keeping of goats, etc.) after I have
presented, that I will not receive an honorarium.

(mmkay)

As detailed above,
I, (insert primary speaker name), have read and agree to the Grant of
Copyright Use.
I, (insert primary speaker name), have read and agree to the Terms of
Speaking Requirements.
I, (insert primary speaker name), have read and agree to the Agreement to
Terms of Speaking Remuneration or I will forfeit my honorarium.

(yeah, ok. done)