The Cypherpunk Enquirer

shelley at misanthropia.info shelley at misanthropia.info
Tue Jan 21 17:36:10 PST 2014


Bravo, anon!

Very well done.  Project Creampie, Bose-Einstein condensate and the bit about JYA... Oh, how I needed that laugh today!


 On Jan 21, 2014 5:13 PM, Anonymous Remailer (austria) <mixmaster at remailer.privacy.at> wrote: 



                   THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER



   "Just when we thought we were out, they drag us back in ..."





Recently reviewed documents leaked by Edward Snowden reveal that,

following the discovery of large quantities of pornography on hard

drives retrieved from the Abbottabad compound where Osama bin Laden

was assassinated, the NSA became concerned that al Queda was using

steganographic techniques to hide various communications within the

jpgs and animated gifs, and began a program (known internally as

'Project Creampie') to collect all the pornography on the internet

into one giant database, presently located at the new NSA data

storage center in Bluffdale, Utah, that could be searched by

various interns and subcontractors. Progress has apparently been

slowed due to subcontractor Hewitt Packard's problems in designing

and building a computer keyboard impervious to "precious bodily

fluids". In response to the newly discovered NSA obsession with feelthy

peectures, the old al-queda.net NSA bait URL has been changed to

porn-are-us.org.





Responding to charges of 'language-ism', the Obfuscated C contest

opened itself to languages other than just C this year, and the clear

winner in the English category was our own John Young of cryptome.org.

"We don't have a clue what he's saying," the nominating committee

stated, "but we sure as hell know what he means." The judging

committee was impressed by Mr. Young's ability to be almost totally

incomprehensible while still getting his point across, and by the fact

that he had obviously attained bootstrap status, and in addition is

Turing complete. The debate over whether Mr. Young qualifies as P or

NP has yet to be resolved.



In a shout-out to the old DEFCON ritual of playing 'Spot the Fed',

the RSA Conference has announced a contest to 'Spot Tim May', the

winner receiving an 'I Outed Tim May' tee shirt and a personal

bodyguard for the conference duration. Interest appears to be

limited due to the boycott.



After a long absence, the Cypherpunks steering committee, due to

recent revelations about NSA spying, has once again opened One

Time Pad season. The early leader appears to be Ian Goldberg's (of UC

Berkeley's 'Glow in the Dark Campanile' fame) proposal to distribute

OTP bits via entangled photons, awaiting only Phillip Hallam-Baker's

work on developing a room-temperature Bose-Einstein condensate. Open

source programmers have already initiated a Kickstarter campaign to

develop a delivery method for the distribution of OTPs that would

avoid the internet completely and still be RFC 1149, 2549, and 6214

compliant.



The NIST is facing further controversy following claims that it

intentionally 'backdoored' the Dual_EC_DRBG random number generator.

Now an IETF taskforce, after several months of study, has determined

that NIST's proposal to increase the security of a venerable UNIX

encryption algorithm by 'doubling the cycle length' actually makes

the algorithm more susceptible to cryptanalysis. Cryptographers are

recommending that all programs that use the new algorithm immediately revert to the old 'ROT13' standard.



Quote of the Week: "In conclusion, the main thing we did wrong when

designing ATM security systems in the early to mid-1980s was to worry

about criminals being clever; we should rather have worried about our

customers - the banks' system designers, implementers, and testers -

being stupid."

        Ross Anderson, "Security Engineering"



SCOTUS Justice Antonin Scalia was arrested yesterday and charged

with threatening to assassinate POTUS Barak Obama. Justice Scalia

was released 6 hours later after scientific vocal analysis of his

Skype call to Justice Samuel Alito revealed that his actual

statement was, "Let's kill the precedent". The FBI blamed the British

GCHQ for providing them a poor quality recording, to which a GCHQ

spokesperson replied that the recording was "exactly what the NSA

gave us". The Microsoft Corporation denied it provided any Skype

information to the NSA whatsoever via a press representative whose

trousers were quickly extinguished by an attentive aide.



Tonight on NSA TV - "Sexting with the Stars" Miley Cyrus and Lady

Gaga in hot girl-on-girl action! (security clearance 'Secret' or

above required)


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