R. A. Hettinga
rah at shipwright.com
Fri Feb 27 18:19:28 PST 2004
This just came by on another list. It's been passed around, and it's a
chestnut, probably here even, I don't remember, hell, it's probably in
Snopes or something, but, hey, it's got a cypherpunk punchline, and we need
a laugh around here...
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I
politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I
yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word! '! asshole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I
wrote d! ow! n his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen,Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it
used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two
assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a
police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works !!! :)
R. A. Hettinga <mailto: rah at ibuc.com>
The Internet Bearer Underwriting Corporation <http://www.ibuc.com/>
44 Farquhar Street, Boston, MA 02131 USA
"... however it may deserve respect for its usefulness and antiquity,
[predicting the end of the world] has not been found agreeable to
experience." -- Edward Gibbon, 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'
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